I really need help and advice!:(

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Hi everyone, Lately I've been been feeling really bad about past stuff and my past behavior and I have been crying a lot. I have a really hard time trusting people and I don't know who to trust that wouldn't judge me. My mom has Schizophrenia. I lived with my mom until I was 9 1/2 then I got put into foster care. I was in the first foster home for 6 months and I was in the 2nd foster home for 3 1/2 years. Then I got adopted to a family downstate that have over 10 adopted kids and have 6 of their own. When I graduated high school, I came back to live with my mom and step dad. I have been on my own since December of 2003.
I was emotionally abused by my mom because she would always hear voices and see people that weren't there because of her Schizophrenia, but I know that my mom couldn't help it. I was abused as a kid by a female babysitter.
I have been teased and made fun of in school and my whole entire life. I have been rejected and hurt in the past by so many people in my life, so that's why I've been really sad and crying a lot lately. I just have a lot of anger that is built up inside of me. I don't think that I'm a bad person. How do I deal with all my feelings of past rejection and hurt? What do I deal when I feel really angry because of my past?:(

Have you ever felt reasonably safe or secure with anyone in your adoptive family? Sorting through past pains can be difficult, but no so bad when we know someone else actually understands and at least cares a bit.

yes, I felt safe with my adoptive family. But they had over 10 kids living with them when they adopted me so it was really hard for me to get 1 on 1 attention with my adoptive parents. Thanks for responding to my post.

It's important for you to get into therapy to talk out these issues with rejection. A counselor is there to have one-on-one time with you, listen to you, and let you say whatever you want to say. They can help you work through your relationships with other people and find out where your rock (the people you can rely on) really is. Believe it or not, experienced counselors have spoken with a hundred adults who have gone through what you went through. You're not the only one. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who have experienced an abusive sick mother, the foster system, an overcrowded adopted home and generally just being or feeling rejected. They can identify the effects that it takes on an individual and they can educate you so you can identify these things in yourself. You can be very empowering and you can regain the control you should have had all along. If you don't have the means to seek therapy on your own, ask your adopted parents for help. I really think that you'll be amazed at how much they love you and care about you. There's a reason they adopted you in the first place when they already had a house full of kids. They may not be able to devote as much attention to you as you deserve right now, but I bet they'll try as hard as they can to do what they can for you.

I may not be the best person to help but i am here for you 100% of the way. This story really made me cry and i have just gotta help. It seems to me what you need to do is tyo try and discover who you are as a person. What you are facing right now is hearbreak, and the best way to heal hearbtreak is to use spirituality to help stitch your life back together. What i would do is to perhaps find something that gives you meaning in your life, maybe go to a church and sing in a choir. go to a nice quiet place in the park and write every single tear down on paper, then throw it to the wind, or see a local support group, where you will be supported by people in the same situation as you. You need to find the one thing that gives meaning to your life and go with it, use what gives you meaning, whether its music, dance, song, or a certain sport or activity,to mend your heart. Talk to others about the one thing that gives your life meaning, and learn more about it. or maybe find an new activity or a new spiritual path waiting for you. just remember the world is full of opportunities to mend a broken heart. you just need to find it , and i am always here for support, i dunno if what i just said gave you any help at all though.

Other posters have come up with some very good suggestions and support already here, so I won't repeat them. But I just want to applaud you for recognizing at such a young age that you do have things that you need and want to deal with. You are right, going through life angry and sad is not a future to look forward to, and the fact that you're already looking for solutions indicates that at source you are a person who intends to live a happy, healthy, peaceful, loving, productive life. Do take those suggestions and act upon them. Dealing with abandonment and rejection issues early in adulthood will save you SO much time, hassle, heartbreak and false starts, not to mention learning how to spot and AVOID users/abusers/losers in the dating arena. I don't know you but I'm proud of you already!