Is it wrong to cease aspirations? (Long musings...)

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NOTE: The juicy stuff is at the 3 asterisk mark if you don't have the patience for this whole post, I had a lot to get off my chest apparently....

I've never been able to actually formulate plans and set them in motion without ridiculously high levels of other people's assistance, I mean we're talking the "hold me by the hand and point where I need to go" type. Even if such assistance is implied I distrust my ability to do a specific task to attain a certain goal.

For example, I've been offered by both my girlfriend and parents to learn how to drive, but I refuse. My eyesight is fairly piss poor, but I'm only hiding behind this crutch because it's a matter of solace for this transgression.

I can still get my eyesight corrected or at least KNOW how to drive.

The real meat of the matter is that seeing how old I am, it'd be embarrassing to learn how to drive, I'd probably be stuck in a room full of teens gawking at me and wondering why I was there.

And yet I've heard my parents say that so-so that I used to know from a long time ago didn't learn to drive until he was 25, yet here I am using that and thinking "Well I've got some time left before I take a crack at it." But I know I'll simply come up with a new justification to not do it.

And that's just one aspiration I've decided to take behind the barn and strangle.

***

I used to have an aspiration to become a writer, and I would go so far as to write anywhere between 1,200 to 4,000 words per day. Yet when I would share this work with say, my creative writing teacher in High School, all he would ever say was "Good writing, let me know when you have more."

He'd always say that! It was so demoralizing! To add insult to injury one of the teachers who helped run the poetry club told me she'd look through my entire novel-in-progress and comment on it, review it, maybe go through it with a red pen, what have you.

But it was towards the very end of the year, I was graduating, and she never got the copy I gave her back to me in time. Not being forced to go to school at that point gave me a bit of a crisis and even with a lucky first ever job fresh off of senior year I was so depressed I didn't even want to step foot in that school...

So I waited six months before I finally decided to look up the teacher, found her, and she said she lost the copy somewhere under a pile of other items, and told me she'd call back as soon possible.

I never heard from her.

And then I sunk back into justifying my failure.

I wasn't a good writer.

The book wouldn't have been profitable or I would've never found a publisher anyway. I was getting sloppy writing it. And so forth, and so on.

I did some poetry for a few months as a fallback point for my writing, but then my computer crashed a few times, I lost approximately 50-60 poems that I never put on a disc, and then I completely stopped writing.

I don't think I've made a serious attempt at writing since that crash and burn period.

Anyway, this is just the small tip of a mighty iceberg of loose screws, the bottom line to this post is, does it matter if I aspire anymore?

Life is stressful enough already for me.

Don't give up! I've started and stopped writing novels due to writers; block. I asked my dad to comment on them but he kept on forcing his views (to make it realistic) that it lost the essence. Your teachers may have thought you took it seriously and so trying to be helpful, gave criticism too seriously.

Now I depend on just myself and feel better. I'm still having writers' block but I roughly know the outline of the future book.

What others think should not affect your book too much if they impede you. Try writing it out first, then ask for comments, but NOT corrections. It is YOUR book, and not theirs.

Good luck!

After months of not writing poetry I've started a few again. Slower pace but more meaningful.

They never gave me any criticism.

Or actual opinions.

Or any notion that they even read a single word.

I think aspirations are very important for me... though I can abandon them for a while when things don't go well.

I'm very cautious about whom I share important things with... they can't be too uniformly postive or I'll stop believing them, and they can't be too harsh and nitpicky. It's OK if they say something like... it was well written, but it didn't work for me. Or... I like the plot, but this section seemed awkward or fragmentary, etc.

That's helpful reflection. It gives me info I can work with to improve my craft.

Sometimes my aspirations have been unrealistic, and sometimes I've had to learn how to come at them from a different angle... taking things in smaller steps, and not expecting to shoot to the top of my field without years of practice. Or ever. But that doesn't mean I can strive for my personal best and enjoy the accomplishment on my own terms.

So, take a break, then reassess. How important is this to you and how can you BEST enable yourself... what do you need to support your aspiration? Be deliberate and conscientious in nourishing your aspiration... that's the very core of what I've learned. Don't just throw your efforts out there for every casual passerby to take potshots at, or make meaningless compliments.

Good luck!

Is this about the novel? It's not their job and they were probably too busy. If you want proof-reading, send your script to a publisher.

Such a bad idea... that will only tell you if they think it's marketable and profitable.

A local writer's group would be a better idea... and if one doesn't fit, keep looking. Some can be hyper-critical, some can be more into baseless flattery... after all, it's still a group of people with all their different ways.

And through a writer's group, you may find a mentor that will really help.

As for driving... consider how stupid you will feel to be 50 and learning, when your aging parents need your help with running errands, trips to hospital, doctors, and physical therapy.

Yeah, been there done that. Or actually am there, am doing that. Also important for when they have strokes and heart attacks and you know you can get them to the ER faster than an ambulance will take to even get to the house.

Maybe the driving instructors teach the older students together, rather than mixing them with teens. -- They'll be older people and aware that teens can be very annoying to non-teens. And they ought to know that older students probably are more anxious, and don't need additional stress. Possibly, anyway.

Of course, not everyone can do it, but with the USA so car-centric it seems a good to at least see if you can. And the reasons for learning will be no less at 30, 35, 45, etc.

Hi,

I was just about to turn 22 when I finally bothered to get my drivers license. I'm not sure about other places, but certainly in California, I was not required to take a class. All I needed to do was pass the written and driving tests. My parents taught me how to drive and apart from taking a class in high school which didn't do me any good, all I needed to pass the tests were what I learned from parents.

In regard to giving up on goals, your teacher's reactions to your work sounds very demoralizing. It's not easy to keep struggling when no one seems to care. As mentioned above, a writers group can help. It also has the advantage of being a structured form of socialization which can be good for Aspies.

I have pursued and given up more careers and personal projects than I can remember. It is hard to keep going when no one seems to understand your point of view and just suggests you do things their way. Finding the people who do understand what you are doing and are supportive is very difficult.

One thing to consider... when asking a person to look at your work, do not give them a whole book to read. Give them a few pages or maybe a chapter. NTs get overwhelmed too and most people when faced with having to read a book that may be on a subject that doesn't appeal to them may just give up before they start. But if they only have to get through a few pages, they are likely to do it and actually provide some useful feedback.

Also... if I don't have a clear idea of what I am trying to do with a project, I often flounder and can not find my way through it. I end up giving up in frustration because I seem to just go in circles. It can be helpful to set some clearly defined goals that help you identify the reason for keeping going forward.

You might set a goal of taking a road trip and this might push you to get your driver's license. You might set a goal to have a story published in an online magazine and this might get you working on writing. Or you might just set a goal of finishing a short story by next week. Anyway, solid goals can give you something to hold on to and show you if you are moving forward at the pace you would like.

Hope this helps,

Lars

I was trying to give advice to the OP. If you disagree, that's fine. There's no need to be so dismissive about it. It's quite reasonable to presume that since he's writing a novel, he would be interested in knowing if it is marketable. I agree with you though, a writer's group may be useful as well.

Anyway, even if you do think sending his novel to a publsiher is such a bad idea, whatever route the OP wants to go down, I don't think he should ask his teachers to proof-read his work. They usually won't have time.

I think that aspirations are great things to have, and I like to keep mine.

That ship sailed a long time ago, it's all in the past. I never finished any of my novels.



I helped my girlfriend move to a different state two times, and both road trips ended up being some of the most stressful times in my life, multiple car breakdowns, a near head-on collision, sleeplessness, roach motels, flat tires, detours, shouting matches; road trips are not on my agenda.

For that matter I don't particularly keep a clear head. I get distracted easily. I zone out. Daydream.



I've done short stories before, they don't leave me feeling any sort of satisfied. I remember when I wrote my first short story...I was in the first grade. It was created for the sole purpose of sharing with a friend.

I would actually convince teachers to hold their regularly scheduled lessons so I would read my own short stories in say, a math class of all things. I remember this happening in the 4th and 6th grade's especially, but I also know I did these stories just to try and seem "popular" or likable, a way to make new friends.

Now the question I can't particularly wrap my head around is whether my writing was a tool or a passion. I can say it was a tool because it was being used for an alternative goal, but at the same time using this specific tool means it's more important than just any other ordinary action...


And for the record, I'm complacent in having cast away my aspirations. I feel safe not having to go out into the world and make things happen, the few times I do it's often very stressful for me.

I could find a writing group but the action of doing so is simply too daunting for me to even consider, and even then I wouldn't follow up on it.

For a quick example, I was supposed to talk to a psychiatrist to determine what kind of problems I had, and she wanted to know some basic information along the lines of "Could you ask your parents if they detected anything unusual with you when you were young? My schedule is filled up for the time being but I'll call you and we can set something up for month a day b."

Something like that.

Well, she never called me back, so it was kind of like "Okay, she doesn't care, why should I care?"

So my whole life has kind of been like that. It's really hard to shake that kind of method of living.

That was a nice long list of "No's"...

so, enjoy your complacency. Hope it brings you much pleasure and happiness.

Was there even a point to your response, why did you even waste the space to post it?

...complete useless and very condescending.

At 52 years of age one would hope you'd learned to think before you comment, or at the very least figured out when your words are of no importance/value to anyone but you. : P

I think the OP is just using others for attention. It would have been more accurate and honest if the OP had just said he had given up all aspirations and had no interest in generating any incentive to change.

After 52 years, I've noticed that life has a way of forcing change.

Why don't you post your age so we can make disparaging remarks about it?

Actually I was making disparaging remarks about your general lack of common sense and obvious lack of compassion...you take the lack of empathy that Aspies tend to have to new heights.

Considering that Aspies tend to have OCDs, paranoia and depression...just heaving out patronizing commentary that isn't helpful, but more likely hurtful...is downright sickening.

Anyone posting on any forum anywhere is seeking attention...attention for something that they feel someone may have some semblance of empathy, understanding or advice for.

I don't recall anywhere, in any of the OP's postings where he asked for someone to talk down to him and make him feel bad...I guess in your divine wisdom you saw between the lines.

I find it amusing that you feel you "know" anyone enough to say what would be a more accurate portrayal of themselves, you make a crappy psych.

...don't quit your day job. : P

As for my age, I guess you'd say I am old enough to know better...I suppose your stunted.

Btw, the section this thread is in is called "The Haven"...which means people are supposed to feel safe here, not feel like some crabby old woman is going to take a leak on their head because she's feeling moody. : )

I sympathize with the OP, and also with the person who posted the mildly nasty response.
It's tough when you lack executive function and social and coping skills, very tough to make positive changes in your life, so I sympathize with the OP.
However there is a way of venting on these forums where you express hopelessness, then shoot down all the suggestions that come your way. After a while those who would like to help perceive that you are in a box, partly built by AS and depression, but sealed and furnished by you, and they reach a compassion breaking point and say something like "Well, if you won't take any steps to help yourself, then suffer." Over the net this can translate as viciously snide, or merely zen-like, a statement of what is, is. It can be a wake-up call. I think the poster who seemed snide maybe could have phrased it better, but the OP also needs to realize that self-defeating thoughts and actions (or inactions) result in self-defeat.