Domineering dad...help!

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Hello everyone!
I live on campus while at uni however I'm graduating very soon, and that means I will have to move back to my parents place. I have a make shift job for a month afterwards, and am doing a second degree starting in 2012, so it won't be permanent. Moving back home is going to be a real issue because of my domineering dad, even if it is only for a while. The make shift job means I'll move out to a town a few hours drive from my parent's place, and come back on the weekends etc. I love my parents and my brother, and me and mum get on fine. I don't mind talking to dad on the phone and all that but he's so smothering and annoying, I'm scared to go back home! When I was a kid he stayed at home for a while and mum worked, and he was looking after me when I was diagnosed with AS, so he always has this thing that he has to protect me and I don't know how to look after myself because of AS, even though I do...
I'll give you and example of how bad he gets. He rang up today to say hi etc. and I said what day I'll be coming back and he said he'll have to come grocery shopping with me the day before I come back and write out a list of what to cook when I'm living away from home. I said I could just do grocery shopping when I'm down there cause they have a shop and all and I don't need a list of what to cook and he got upset with me and just ignored what I said then quickly changed the topic so I couldn't argue back/say no. He gets angry with me because I'm going overseas after the job for a while and most of the weekends while working in the job I won't be able to go home because I'm in a band and we have a gig in another city (where the others live, 300kms away). This means I won't be at home for him to boss around. He even gets mad at me when I don't watch certain TV shows because he says they're good.

What can I do!? I don't want to be controlled or feel bad cause I'm 21 and I work and want to visit my band mates or that I don't want to watch some TV shows or I don't want to go grocery shopping with him!! !

Please help!

Maybe this is happening now in your life because it's time to deal with it.

Find a place to live for a month. Try the bulletin boards, or Craig's List (be careful) or the newspapers. Turn off your phone. Then take your trip and when it comes to getting your next degree, maybe do it very far away from your father.

That worked for me. The domineering one was my mother. But after almost a year, she got me with a phone call and wrecked everything, because I caved and gave in. Don't answer the phone!

And may all go well with you.

Thank you for your reply Claradoon! With my next degree in 2012 I'm planning on moving into the city where uni is permanently with one of my friends, so it won't be for long. I have this thing where all I want to do is prove to him that I can look after myself, but I know I can and it's just him being domineering.

Mum's fine with everything and she says stuff like 'of course I'd like you to visit more but you have your own life and you can only do what you can do' and she's honest about stuff and doesn't do emotional blackmail. I'm waiting on a company to get back to me to offer me a undergrad job for half a year after my trip, when I tell dad that I'm going there to work (which is about 1000kms away and overseas) he just acts like as if I'm joking. He acts the same towards my brother 2 years younger than me, and even makes his bed and lunch and stuff for him but my bro loves it. Dad jokes and says he's never going to move out and he can't look after himself, but my bro doesn't stick up for himself he just goes along with it. Dad still made my breakfast for me when I was 15 cause I just kept saying no no no and he wouldn't listen, and he wouldn't let me make my bed and when I did he'd come in after me and fix it up cause he'd say it was wrong. This year me and my bro even went to a gig and we stayed in a cheap hotel where they had the sheets on the beds for us to make up...and my bro just looked at the bed and said ' I don't know how to make a bed' and I said 'why not you're 19' and he said 'dad always does it.' He shuts my curtains when it gets dark incase I forget to, and even opens my letters etc when they're mailed up home.

I lived in a sharehouse last summer (I'm Aussie so last Jan) and he'd say things when I came home on the weekend like 'you can't go out for tea tonight, you need a good homecooked meal because you haven't been eating well during the past week' and I'd say 'What? I can cook fine.' and he'd just laugh at me. Sometimes he makes me feel so useless and pathetic like I don't even know how to cook for myself. As soon as I go home it will start again. Whenever I'm home I just pretend I don't really want to be home, but it's a lie because I'm happy to see my mum and brother, but if I'm too excited dad says things like 'it's ok, you're finally home now' like as if living on campus is so so bad. I want him to know that I'm grown up now and he doesn't need to act like this. He's also unemployed and doesn't see his friends much, and mum works full time. To my mum he calls me and my brother 'the children' and my mum is just like wtf they're not children. He has other things he does to my bro that annoy him like blaming him for everything that goes wrong with the computer, saying he breaks everything and calling him 'the gannet' which is a sea gull which eats everything, cause that's what he apparently does (even though he's the skinniest and gangliest guy in the world).

Mum and my bro know about all of this and my bro just says 'let him do it, he's just trying to help' and my mum just says 'tell him!' but I can't because he ignores me or gets mad (like the making my breakfast thing).

Sorry that this has turned into a HUGE VENT...but I needed to have it. I don't even care if no one reads the whole thing.

both of my parents sound a hell of a lot like your dad.. i sincerely doubt there's much we can do except brush it off and keep on goin really. it's like we're being viewed from some kaleidoscope or my old reading glasses or something. sheeesh!

I was gonna suggest living in a hotel or motel near your job during that month but depending on what you stuff you need to live during that time (kitchenette, internet) that may cost more than renting an apartment, heh.

Of course I read the whole thing!

You make me think of the Christmas that I went home from uni. It wouldn't be for long, right? I think of it as one of the worst mistakes of my life. There were "signs" all over the place - you know when people say they're looking for a sign? I was wading through them, for heaven's sake. Some were like stepping on a rake and having it come up and smack me in the face. But in those days I didn't pay attention to that sort of thing. If only I had stayed at uni over that Christmas! Even the weather was against it - solid sheet ice everywhere, warnings not to travel etc. And Mom drove me nuts the whole time. It was only ten days.

I'm sorry to ramble but I guess this is what I wish somebody had told me back then. It was sort of written in stone that people go home for Christmas. I didn't even see that Mom was opposed to my education. She saw it as goofing off, wanted me to get a job. Any job. And I was supporting myself and I didn't owe her money or anything. Anyway, Mom sandbagged me and I didn't finish my degree.

So I guess I'm saying don't do what I did. Of course I know more about my situation than about yours. But if it's that bad with your father, why go home at all?

It looks to me, from all the way over here, that your father needs his "children" to need him. For whatever reason (psychological?), he has taken on the role of caregiver and he needs to be needed. It's not based on reality. It's a role he's playing and he's going to push and shove his boys until they play the game. It's interesting that he doesn't have a job - would his self-respect tank if he's not needed at home?

Is there a counsellor for you somewhere? Somebody that would be in your corner.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it means a lot.

Rocknrollslc - I know the feeling That's what I've been doing...mum says dad's never going to change and there's probably not a whole lot I can do about it, the problem's with him.

Raisedbyignorance - I was considering that, but if I get a job as soon as I come back from overseas, it's over 1000kms from home unlike the makeshift job and It'd be until Christmas. Then I could move down to the city where uni is with my friend cause we should have a sharehouse by then.

Claradoon - The less time I come up home for the worse it gets, and when my brother is studying and not on holidays it means it's just me and dad around the house so it's terrible. He doesn't let me paint or do uni homework without annoying the hell out of me and making me do things like watch shows on TV with him etc (he once tried to force me to watch CSI and all I wanted to do was draw...argh!) My family also live 15 minutes drive from the nearest town in rural whoop whoop so it's not like I can just go for a walk into town, watch a movie, hang with friends etc easily. I need to let him know what I'm doing where and when etc so he can have dinner ready or not ready...he's really anal about cooking dinner. I tell him I'll just have it cold when I get home then he gets mad. Did I mention I'm 21, and left home at 18.

I know about signs also, I'm really superstitious so I find them a lot. I go home less and less, say I've got stuff to do. Mum comes and visits me sometimes and so does my bro so it's not like I don't get to see them sometimes.

Dad retired in 1997 and hasn't worked since, I was 8 and my brother was 6. He always had this psychological thing about being "Mr Mum" and "The Househusband" so he calls it. All he does is cook tea and clean the house, occasionally garden etc. He always moans about how he never has a holiday and everyone gets one but him, and when I'm home there are "more mouths to feed" and it's such a pain. The silly thing is that we all volunteer to help, and mum helps on the weekends but he either tells us not to because it's his job (definitely NO ONE is allowed to cook dinner) or we are bad at it so he may as well do it. I really don't understand why he acts like this towards us. Other than this mr mum crap he's really good to my mum and brother, as long as they don't cross the line. He doesn't have a job because he says there'd be no one to clean the house and cook dinner. We volunteer and he just laughs at us as if we don't even know how to boil potatoes

I usually just vent to my mum cause she understands the whole situation, but if I vent too much she tells my dad and he gets mad at me and acts really sarcastic. e.g. once I told mum that dad mollycoddles me too much when I'm home, so she told dad and when I came home dad was like 'ooooh apparently I mollycoddle you too much....I better not do that cause I don't want to mollycoddle you...'

I should find a councellor, one from uni maybe.

I feel bad for you...

My dad's the same trying to stunt my independence... If I don't go home from school during a break he actually books a ticket for me to fly home... When I was younger he never let me touch a knife and when I turned 18 he was like you've to learn cooking now and don't tell me you are scared of the knife . He even arranges my dates with guys to meet He's not religious but just too controlling and concerned :'(... Dads I say ... On top everything else he's short tempered and his high BP makes him shout at me if I don't listen to him. He never trusted me ex-boyfriend and actually even scared him into leaving me one day when he saw us smooching and I was 22 then.

But then my dad was in the army I think that's where it comes from... I've learnt to deal with it and not take it too serious but I hate being shouted at... It shatters me..

I know what you mean. If I get upset about stuff over the phone even to my mum e.g. 'this assignment is really hard, I don't know how I'll do it!' he finds out and says stuff like 'I'll just have to come down there and take you home' and it makes me so scared. he doesn't like any of my boyfriends and gets mad when I go to their places and not stay home, but he didn't arrange any dates for me, that must've been terrible! I'm bi and I came out to him (would never come out to mum) and then he used it against me in an argument saying 'oh well no wonder you're so confused, think you're this then that and now you're bi...'

Damn. Dads. What can you do?

Oh yeah once I had scored low on a test and he was like that BF of yours is dragging you down why do you spend so much time with him?.... I wonder how I am ever going to find someone ... Dad leave me in peace

My friend, you need to grow some healthy boundaries. Your dad also needs to set up healthy boundaries too. Are you the youngest? Is he insecure about losing his parent/child relationship with you? Does he feel he has to protect you from the big bad world? You will not be able to become separate people, if he won't let you grow up. Is there anyway you can tell him about your needs? Things like space, respect for your decisions, etc are really important for you to become an adult. He can't be there for you forever, & letting you go is the wise thing to do. In actuality, it'll bring you closer out of respect.

Tomboy

Tomboy...I know exactly what you mean. My mum and I used to b***h like crazy when I was a teen but she let me go my own way and I have a lot of respect for her now. We're really close now because of this, and we're more like friends rather than she's the mother and I'm the child.

I'm no expert at reading peoples minds (are any aspies? ) , but my opinion is I was bullied heavily through school and he used to intervene and tell the teachers and try to stop it (rather than letting me deal with it...he just made it worse) so he thinks that's his job to protect his fragile vulnerable daughter. I'm the eldest out of 2 by the way (read the first or second rant to find out how he treats my brother).

I tell him I need/want space. I tell him to keep out of my room, let me cook for myself, let me make my bed etc. etc. But he gets really offended and angry. He's a really moody person and he can hold grudges for years with people, If I bring the topic up he gets mad or just walks off saying he doesn't want to argue with me. I love him and I need him in my like but as an adult, I've said this but he doesn't take it seriously. How do I make him?

A lot of dad's want to protect their daughters from the big bad world....his behavior seems in indicate he's trying to do exactly that to you! That's why he's responding with the attitudes towards you. He might be reluctant to let you grow up. You will always be his little girl, no matter what age you become. Not that there's anything wrong with his belief, but it's disrespectful for him to think he must always do his best to keep bad things from happening to you. Even children on the spectrum want to become adults & be respected as individuals. There is always an element of risk living as a human being. No way to get around it. I think you'll do just fine. But you will have to work to change your father's attitude & feelings towards you. My dad was not the protective type, but sometimes my mom was (for all the wrong reasons). I never learned proper healthy boundaries from either of them, & am still working on building mine well into middle age. I'm getting there!

A simplified version of a healthy boundary would be to say that you are responsible for anything regarding your own person. What I mean by this is that our bodies mark our personal boundaries border. Every person has the same responsibility to care for themselves. The word "no" is a big part of it when someone tries to make you do something against your better judgement. This even extends to parents. Start with this simple fact. Then you can expand your boundaries from there....anything you should be responsible for (your room, your own work, etc). You'll have to keep telling your dad it's ok for you to do stuff without his assistance. It'll take time, but it's something you can do. You are on the right path to adulthood. Your dad will eventually treat you as an adult. Just use gentle reminders on him until he gets it. In the meantime, you'll need to be patient & remind him that there are some things that you can indeed do by yourself.

Tomboy

Thanks Tomboy, your reply really helped. I'm back home now and it's working. Thank you again,
Cad

Very cool! Glad to hear it! Just remember...baby steps regarding your dad. He's been this way for a long time. You won't change him over night, but being consistent will help you get there.


Tomboy