Can't go to school without feeling suicidal

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Hey guys, for a little over month I have been going through a serious case of depression. I have basically been using the internet as a place to escape from life, but when the doctor mentioned hospitalization as an option, I don't really know what to do anymore...

I am 18 and I am a senior in high school and as graduation has been creeping closer, I just don't think I'm ready at all. I don't really want to grow up and handle these adult responsibilities and I feel like as I grow older, it only get harder and harder for me and I am just sick of life in general and I feel so pressured to succeed by people that have been constantly encouraging me and saying that I have a lot going for me and not to give up that I just feel completely pressured. I still don't feel like I'm not much of an adult really and I don't have a job so there is nothing going into savings and my parents don't give me any money to encourage me to get a job, but lately they are discouraging me from getting a job until I get out of my state of depression. I guess it could be worse though and I have plenty of things already... but still...

My mother says that I should maybe just go to community college for a couple years before going somewhere bigger, but even then I still have to spread my wings... I really hate it and I feel like I want life to be over because I'm sick of it and I feel like I lived more than I can handle...

However, there is something that has kept me alive this past month like I had this will to survive and this fear of death, but now... that something is slowly fading away and my patience is dwindling.

I have been falling behind on homework even though my teachers told me I could take my time if I'm feeling like this and I should just ignore the deadlines, but they were still hard to ignore and that environment just put a lot of pressure on me and Friday I decided to purposefully take a bite out of a snickers bar to induce an allergic reaction only for me to spit it out realizing what I was doing.

It's such an unusual method of suicide I decided to pick though... Using an allergy to kill yourself. The thing about it though is that there is still a chance for me to be saved should I change my mind, but my parents and therapist are concerned whether or not having a life-threatening reaction will do permanent damage to my body or not even if I should be saved...

Fortunately, I have been seeing a therapist and my psychiatrist regularly and they told me not to go to school and just try to do homework. Of course, if this gets worse they say that they might have to hospitalize me in order to keep me safe and I am already feeling guilt sink in from me not going to school and I haven't been able to do homework without having thoughts of suicide and it is really giving me a lot of pain.

I don't really know if hospitalization is the right thing for me though... I don't know exactly what to expect there and I kind of nervous as in I would only want it to be as a last resort. I still don't know how long I will be able to persevere... I am currently staying at home and trying to do school work even though I'm not really getting much done at home...

If it makes you feel any better, pysch wards aren't too bad. They're pretty boring actually. Don't stress about it if you end up needing to go.

Hope you feel better.

Just for you to know it is very common to feel depressed and anxious when going out of highschool. You are facing a very uncertain phase and a lot of changes. But thats life. Unfortunately there is no way to go back, only forward. I also felt a lot of pressure. People think thats gonna give you courage, but tha just frightens you. Try to take it easy and do the things for yourself, not for what your parents and others tell you. Life is not a race. You will get where you need eventually. If you feel preasure about getting a job then college seems like a good idea. But you need to get out of that state, do maybe the hospital can be a good idea.

So... I am finally through with school, but even then I still feel depressed about college and the graduation celebration. I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide even at home. I have supportive parents and family who have been keeping me company, but my mom works on the weekdays and my dad is a pilot who stays at home unless he is flying people. He has lately been forcing me to get out of the house and run errands with him during the day and I also have been seeing my psychiatrist at least once a week...

I guess I am kind of unsure whether or not I should be hospitalized or if it is really that extreme... Part of me sort of wants to save it for a last resort... The thing is, I already have a plan formulated in my head which is to induce anaphylactic shock by ingesting peanuts as peanut products are easily accessible as opposed to things like say, pills and weapons I mean, I see them everyday in vending machines, in supermarkets, pretty much everywhere. It is kind of an obscure method mainly because not everyone is allergic to the point that it can be fatal. I have been eying a jar of peanut butter in the pantry and early in the morning today, I got up and grabbed a small container and put a scoop of peanut butter in it and took it up to my room for later when I was ready and hid it in a drawer.

I guess I still am unsure about what hospitalization is like... I guess that is why I am sort of afraid to consider it...

I really have nothing to say... I just feel like 18 years is enough for me... I mean, it may not be for some people, but for me... it just feels like I had enough of life and had my fill...

(((((hugs))))))) if you dont mind me asking, what is it that you have had enough of? Is it school, or responsibilities? Is it anything that can be helped?

I think it is more responsibilities now... though school does play a huge part still... I think it's more just life in general too...

I think the college idea is great. It advances your education and trust me, it is much less daily responsibility than high school.

Depression feeds on itself..the more free time you have to brood on it the bigger it becomes. Taking classes would be a wonderful thing... especially if you're taking classes you find interesting.

Dont say that The adventure is just starting! Its normal to be stressed and anxious about life near and after high school. Give yourself some time. Many people take a semester off between high school and college to release the stress/enjoy not having school for a little bit... and to think what career they'd like to try for.

Perhaps a family vacation or trip could help too!

Just bare through college. It sounds like it might be difficult, but that's only in some circumstances depending on your major and minors. But not going through college or high school will probably be one of the biggest mistakes someone can make. If you don't get through college then you're pretty much screwed for the rest of your life. 18 years old isn't even 1/8th of your lifespan, right now would be a lame time for it to end.

Also keep in mind that you're focused too much on the past. Using the past as something to keep you feeling down isn't right, you need to focus on the current and future, and just let go of the past, there's no changing it. You'll be surprised to see what happens in the future, especially when your life is so new like now.

I have been where you are. My senior year was terrible and I was feeling suicidal as well. The hospital helped me out. That's my best suggestion for you. If you think you need the help, you should go get it. Its not like a prison or anything because you're not there to be punished. They feed you, you get to wear your own clothes, and they treat you respectably as long as you obey the rules. I went for a week and it helped me a lot.

You sound a lot like me two years ago. first thing I'd recommend is do a victory lap (extra year after g.12, whether you need it or not) and just take it easy, use the year to figure out what you want to do. At this point you should have all your credits, so you can just do a few courses that interest you without having to worry. I found that it did help me a lot.

Just a quick update you guys, I did go to the hospital and I was hospitalized for a week and wow... This DBT program they had really word. I don't know what they did different but it worked. The only thing they say they say is good is to socialize and I should socialize more and not isolate myself. Well, I sort of isolate myself anyways and because I have Asperger's, I become easily overwhelmed by such things. I guess that's why I hated that aftercare program I was last week... They just did not understand me and have as much experience with Asperger's whereas, that hospital sort of did and could tell the difference between what is due to depression and what is due to Asperger's. These guys didn't... I guess I'll have to talk to my psychiatrist about another program...

Its good to hear you're alright.

I hope it works out for you. Being scared of leaving school is really hard.
I hope you make the right decisions and feel comfortable. Most of us have had that anxiety. Grown up life is a drag.