This is all too much.

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Since recently discovering I most certainly am on the spectrum I realized how wrong everything I was doing was. It's like a veil was lifted. How I had to constantly fake enthusiasm, how much my girlfriend was enabling my childish behavior when it's just going to make it worse. Made me believe that's how everyone is. I didn't know, I thought I could just be the special man that has a child inside him type. I realized how much pain I was putting myself through trying to be normal. I don't want to seem like a whiner, I know people have worse autism and things like Retts but this is unimaginable torment that I only feel while melting down. I feel like a machine.

These words are very strong. Truly, I hope you feel better by getting these words out. If you speak to a doctor or a psychiatrist, I feel you will get some very potent help. I feel you will figure out a lot of problems and how to work with them accordingly. Please take notice and do something about this like participating in a group of people with similar disabilities so you don't feel like a 'social misfit' with others mocking you. You are you and nothing will change that; you are not a machine. I really hope you get help.

I hope that you get the help that you need.