I'm Depressed

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I'm polish origionating but when I was four we moved to the former central soviet uniion for my parents work.
The first thing that happened was some big kids broke my back on the ice.
Then I was kept inside.
But whoops--at
5/6 I got shot for being openly jewish.
so....
My family abandoned me so I could have a 'good life' in the states.
I had Aspergers so I couldn't frame the words right to make them understand differently-no I don't want to go there.
I was then adopted to pediphiles (well one wasn't, but he didn't last long-and the next one was) in a country I certainly didn't care for.
I had Aspergers so I couldn't frame the words right to actually get help that wouldn't hurt me more. At any point in time.

They were plotting to take over the world..
I had Aspergers.
I was then denied an education.
I had Aspergers.
I have lived in captivity.
With Aspergers.
Some friends have been killed.
No one would listen through my Aspergers.
I was placed into an 'externship' with a man who was stalking me.
I had Aspergers--my cop friend thought I was cute and over reacting-so he didn't help me instead sending me to pedophile take over the world mother for her help.
After being raped and held hostage for a couple years he ran off with our kid.
In front of everybody.
My 'spouse', the man I loved, is dead. Poor fella didn't have a chance on this planet.
He had Aspergers.
I've been drugged, raped, hidden, stalked, and generally disliked all around.
Because I have Aspergers?
People have been jealous of me (are you kidding???), which really hurts my feelings.
Would you prefer the side results of my Aspergers? But no, I wouldn't wish THIS on no one.
When I try to report things to the police they always fail to listen. No one ever listens. I've learned that no one has a frame of reference to listen.
Oh. I thought they were doing that on purpose.
I have Aspergers.

Then with Aspergers I was finally given the meaning and relief of my condition. And I couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks, or go to school, or do any of the normal things I normally hold onto a strand of life to do. Then everybody wanted to know what was up and then some people understood but others said again, no, your normal.
It is easier for others I think, to think that. It keeps them from having to think or research. It keeps their low effort, low brained labeling system intact. I liken it to twisting the neck on a cute little innocent kitten. That is what I feel like others do to me.

And instead of being able to address these more pressing subjects with my counselor, we are talking about employment 'bubbles'.

Which true I am thankful for.
I am depressed.

squint. look away. press.
Cheer me up.

I'm the only one that's going to say this, and you won't listen, but I'll say it anyway. Take revenge on the world. If they don't listen to you, get louder and angrier. Do things to make others understand the pain that you've been through. Commit a few crimes if you like. Question society. Delve into the world of your subconscious and find what you truly are beneath all the pain. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

Interesting reply.

But there is no point. A cat is not a dog. I couldn't do those things willfully if I tried. Yes, I see value in getting arrested so I could just 'talk' to someone, but the fact is, in a jail setting I would attack other inmates, and I wouldn't BE ABLE to talk to any one applicable especially when they are right in front of me. It's always that I lose my voice at the time of greatest opportunity.


No. I wouldn't risk a clean record--
Interesting approach however.
Lashing out is not in me--to confusing.

Guess you were right in advance--I won't listen.
I can't be loud.
What I experience is not anger.
I DO do things to make others understand--prob is I myself dislike the subject matter, and feel robbed.
Question society IS my middle name. Actually it is 'Marie', but you won't see that on my birth cert.
I know what I am--but it is the wrong planet for it.

You could throw some cold water on me and tell me to snap out of it.
'Snap out of it'--such violence. snapping. cracking.

I thought I'd give it a try. In truth--these are the things that pain me--I have no need or want of shame or shamelessness--simply is.

Men tend to harm others and women tend to harm themselves. I've meet atleast
2 Polish women and they were strong women. So no matter what I bet you will
survive. Oh the older Polish women said women from Poland make good wives!

I see the world as chemisty and tend to put my faith in chemistry. So I would
be cheering you up drugs.

SeaBright

Many things have happened to You my dear that should have never happened but You are the only person that knows what is best for You.

We all live in this world the best that We All can in the end. The cards maybe stacked against some of Us and seems never fair. What is fair though in the Living of Life in the end Nothing is in the end?

We All live through are hardships that Life just gives Us All.

Even I am dealing with a Major Depressive Disorder that I have always had in My Life. I have tried to Grow from it and learn from it in the end.

You must let do the same for Yourself too.

Hey, I'm new here so I don't know much, but I've read your posts on other topics and you seem really nice.

I find it strangely reassuring that you're so calm and open-minded about everything even though you've been through hell. To lash out would be to lower yourself to the same level as the people who have hurt you.

You can't change what has happened. Look to the future - it's got to be better than what's gone before.

Hearing stories like this just makes me want to apologise for the whole human race.

It's obvious from the way you speak that you care deeply about other people, even if it's hard to say so. Your intentions are noble and admirable. Soul-mates always tend to find each other somehow, and Asperger's needn't change that. If there are people who can't handle who you are, let them go. It's their loss.

If there are problems with getting people in authority to understand (such as the Counsellor), could you write letters or e-mails to explain things? Typing is so much easier than talking face-to-face because there is time to think and to sort out exactly what to say. I have had to do this in relationships where I've been too stressed out and confused to even understand my own feelings, let alone say them. It works, particularly if you can persuade the recipient to reply in writing also. Time consuming but worth it.

Seabright, I'm sorry no one listens to you. No one listens to me either IRL. I was being sexually harrassed by a neighbor across the street for years and years. I told my husband MANY MANY times and he would laugh (! !). I would repeat myself and he would laugh again. I was so terrified of this man that I would stand, mute, when he approached me, or run into the house. I was afraid to go outside. It wasn't until this man walked into my house one day (my daughter had left the side door unlocked) that anyone took me seriously. It feels like when I talk, I must not really be talking, because no one seems to hear me!! !! !!

I'm sorry you were adopted by pedophiles , that is a gross injustice. Have you exposed them?

Seabright you are a ray of sunshine.

I have read loads of your other postings and no-one would guess how screwed up inside you are. You have loads of positive energy. The fact that the very people you needed to trust at your most vulnerable times have done those things to you is just the pits.

Don't let those b*st*rds beat you. You will beat them by surviving and being stronger.

We all need a hug from time to time, so from me -

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SeaBright))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks Devon, for the hug and the cheery 'e'.


thank you all SO MUCH!! !

No one has ever given me that simple human care of validation

Until now. I had almost deleted my post too. Glad I didn't.

I have written. I think because 'the world' operates on vocals and other factors.......trails off.

True about the Polish! Good women. Damn good. It was just my nationality though I am the strongest girl most people I know, know. The blood is british, russian, spanish.

No they havent been exposed. 20+years is a little to late, though they are no longer anywhere near me, and I drop as many complaints/hints in as many places possible, ie: tip lines and cps.

thanks again you guys! gosh now I am feeling better (((((((((((((THESE PEEPS)))))))))))))))

Glad you're feeling happier, SeaBright

SeaBright,

I made a blue fractal heart for you, but with a few scars and a bit of unfinished business that still echoes through it.



May all your suffering be relieved and undeliverable in the future and as much peace come to you, instead, as joy and kindness tenfold.

Seabright, you've been through a hell of a lot and yet you still hold your head high and resist the temptation to hurt others as they've hurt you. That to me shows incredible strength of character. Keep on being strong and don't let those who've hurt you win. You're a better person than they are, so you owe it to yourself.

yeah, I look at it like it's a universal test and hope to bonus eventually--and do every day-in my heart. Otherwise, honestly, I'd just hire out as a contract killer. I care both deeply and not at all.

Though still, I've had to learn to be an ass to people every now and again-just to keep from becoming a silent, obiedient, aquiecing, sob; and though I don't stalk people on the roads, I am the worlds best timid road rager. But no, I didn't learn to do by people who did to me. I learned instead to recognize, stew, and internalize a fierce desire that the rest of the world would just "grow the *^^% up" --and it has. Still not enough though.


The biggest part where aspergers is not helpful is the showing of emotion. I 'get to' cry when I'm in distress over a study topic, when I'm at verge of relief from a long term stress, or when somebody really stellar dies. Or if I've broken someone. I actually laugh as default for pain and stress. I must look the freak to others.

I'm fighting the kid for the computer. Sorry, I've bottomed out.

night you guys.
temptation to harm others isn't really there. opportunity, yes. opportunity without intent or action is nothing. temptation seems a stronger word as in WANT. I would LOVE to. However, it's just below me. heh. that's what you said in the first place.

[quote="en_una_isla"] for years and years. ... he would laugh (! !). I would repeat myself and he would laugh again. ...

I would stand, mute, when he approached me, or run into the house. I was afraid to go outside. It wasn't until ...that anyone took me seriously. It feels like when I talk, I must not really be talking, because no one seems to hear me!! !! !!
/quote]

Girl.....we MUST be related!
I hear you..

does your nick mean 'the one island'?

beautiful prayer DirtDawg~thanks....

You write beautifully and powerfully. It sucks that all of those things happened to you. I cannot start to imagine, you must be so strong to still be here!! ! You have the strength inside you, I hope you manage to find your happiness.
Shot at for being openly jewish - how? as a jewish person who has luckily and somewhat naively never experienced any antiseminitism, i shudder at the thought. what does being openly jewish mean?

my best
Kate