Wow, I'm actually burning bridges...

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Unfortunately I'm finding myself at a really hard point in my life right now. I already was getting used to just how much I was going to be stuck with having AS and all the things I can and will never overcome. Now, I'm finding out that my Suma Cum Laude degree is worthless. Work is a slowly but steadily decaying situation, I know what's coming, and at this point I'd have some hard moral and ethical questions to ask myself were I actually to consider trying to find another professional job. The problem is, when my nervous system is working as healthy rather than jacked and overamped by abusing caffeine (which I found my adrenal glands could only accommodate for so many years) that I have a processing and tasking ability similar to a sixteen year old. I need supervision. I need to hear things that no f***ing adult alive, no excuse for an adult, per our society's current norms, should ever need. As in - yes - I deserve to have a full bowl of society's wrath poured upon me for breathing.

It seems now that the cycle's pretty solid, I spend most of my day at work on the edge of tears, taring myself to bits, telling myself I should be murdered, that I should have my throat slit, that I should be burning in Auschwitz, telling myself that I were a real man I'd do the honorable thing and off myself, etc. etc.. Today at lunch even I went ahead and deleted my Eharmony and OKCupid accounts, I'm not one to self-sabotage or close doors on a whim but I can't morally or ethically, at all, imagine letting someone into my life right now - if I'm spending my day in that type of haze, coming home on the edge of tears (which never quite break through in full - thankfully when you don't believe in any hope or a life hereafter they don't go very far), I get distracted and thrown into healthier habits for martial arts class, and the cycle will probably begin again tomorrow.

What's really scaring me though at this point - I'm really starting to feel like I have no right to put myself on employers anymore, there's nothing they can tell me, my nervous system is just rejecting the workload I'm trying to put on it. Thinking of the mess I'm becoming I look back at gradeschool and highschool, all the kids who leveled me for being different and I realize, they were actually 100% right about me on all account - perhaps more, as much as they may have had to say about me I don't know that they'd figure me getting a bachelors degree, graduating highest honors to live at home at 31 and be a work world failure destined to go right back to the restaurant industry most likely. Admittedly I realize I have to be very careful what I post here, I have no desire to disparage anyone else here, just that - I've really had it put to me that there's a certain line in the sand in terms of failure where my life's forfeit, even being still at a semi-flunky job let alone coming up short of it - I'm well past that point. Seems like my whole mission statement for life, everything I've ever wanted, is crumbling and I'm really starting to wonder if perhaps I need to completely and absolutely opt out of the dating world, cut off all possibility of my genes ever going anywhere past me.

Quite honestly I don't know what to do right now. Its not like me to lose my composre and become a flailing mess (well.... I take that back.... it was *always* like me up until about 17 or 18, I went 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and now I'm finding out that I won't win out here either). Pretty sure no one will really no what to say, and I completely understand - this is Earth, there really are no answers. For better or worse I'm honoring my momentary compulsion to write about it, might be furious with myself for even sharing these thoughts by tomorrow but whatever, I'm sure I'll have plenty of other things that'll eclipse that right out anyway.

Damnit, the world is sad...

I'd take a holiday if that's feasible, detox caffeine, get some rest and relax. Fasting or eating lots of green food, maybe heal those adrenals. Unfortunately, if you've been running on nervous energy and caffeine for too long, you are going to crash. You need to work on some healthier habits. What's your sleep like? And definitely stop kicking yourself, it sounds like there's plenty people out there kicking you for you.

I use caffeine to mitigate some of my executive/add dysfunction but I'm very respectful of the drug. Callista suggests sipping coffee slowly over a day, maybe a couple of cups. And then no caffeine on a weekend, so your body can recover, and you don't build tolerance.

No one deserves to be put in aushwitz or whatever. And neither do you. It sounds like you are experiencing some abusive relationships. I would minimise your exposure to those who want to highlight any perceived shortcomings, and neglect to support you or help in any way.

Coming up against our limitations is always hard. We have to accept what they are and work with them. Did you mention 31? This is totally Saturn return territory. And/or Pluto in Capricorn. Sometimes you have to burn the old structures in order to make room for a completely new one.

Keep exploring.

No, this is the issue - I've been off off caffein since October - this is the best I can function without it.


7 hours a night. ANother angle I can't really do much more with.


I hate to say it, its mostly all internal - no one's talking like this to me, its mostly years of the world dictating things to me in certain ways. The trouble is, its a world where there's social/physical Darwinism and then we die. My life - like anyone else's, seems like it revolves on the axis of dealing with the fact that any shortcoming I have ultimately harms others because they have to pick up the slack.


I think it might also be coming off the psychological decade of ambition (20's) to find out that I'm just as broken as most other people - possibly more.

The details of my own circumstances are different, of course, but I can identify completely. In my own words: I have come to a point in my life where I would rather be a complete loner than to risk having anyone in any way affected by me. However, the fact that I do still have a wife who does still talk to me seems to suggest it will be okay for me to breathe yet one more day.

You have mentioned: "... my nervous system is just rejecting the workload I'm trying to put on it."

You bet. It is like my rubber band has lost its stretch, somebody is keeping it tight from the other end and I must remain within its constraint lest I choke myself pulling against it. Where I used to seem to have nearly limitless energy and drive, I now spend my time trying to be sure I do not prick my own balloon.

Somewhere between feeding pigeons in the park and saving this world from itself, find someplace to give a bit of yourself to someone else without expecting anything in return (such as even just here on WP) ... and then use that as a distraction from being driven completely mad by everything else.

Thanks for the input Lee, very helpful.

I think what annoys me about myself the most though - I'm starting to think I literally have to beat and bully myself to function. I felt that way for a long time before and I had no direct proof, then around the same time I got off the caffeine I also took a stance that I'd done it too much, that it was making me weaker not stronger and yet - here I ended up, getting lax and hearing from other people about it. I think its an executive functioning issue though, and the real problem is once I'm back out of sh** creek I'll still be doing it, I guess its my compensation for not having a functional brain and sadly, its been the only thing I've found that's been able to take my performance from sub-par to fair-to-mediocre.

In my own case, my personal philosophy or "moral ideals" seem to leave me in a bittersweet (or sometimes even almost a love-hate relationship) with other people. Nobody could reasonably ask for a more considerate and accommodating employer than my last one (prior to my disability retirement a year ago), and yet there were times I had to do like you have mentioned and drive myself to meet their far-from-demanding expectations anyway ... and at the end, I felt like I had actually let them down quite a bit.


Like I mentioned about my "rubber band", I think executive dysfunction has played a big part in my complete burnout. Everything is actually in order for me at the moment, and yet I still find it almost overwhelming to remember which days to set the trash out at the curb and then actually get up from this chair and go get that done.

Maybe try thinking of yourself as being in a marathon you had thought you could easily complete but you now find a pace adjustment necessary in order to finish at all ...

Life is hard and then we die, but I absolutely refuse to let it beat me altogether.

That is great advice. I've found myself in a place where that was the only thing that helped me out, quite a few times.

You bet. I might sometimes be delusional as to what I think I might actually have to offer anyone, but knowing I at least tried is also sometimes just about the only validation I ever get in life!

I feel the same way techstepgenr8tion. i hope everything works out for you, goodluck!

Sorry you're feeling down techstepgenr8tion. I hope you feel better soon.

Can you approach your employers and ask them about what they think you could improve about your work performance? You may find they're perfectly happy or there are only a few things to tweak.

There's no line in the sand. Some of the most successful people in the world have had countless flunky jobs (and may still yet) before they made it big. Their lives wouldn't be half as interesting if they were just a straight path.



You're not burning bridges here; you can always set up another account. It's probably best not to add dating to everything else but don't feel you're shutting any doors.