It just blew up in my face like everything else.

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Well, I haven't slept for an entire night- couldn't bring myself too, which is extremely annoying. My mom asked me what was wrong and how she could help, so I basically spilled to her most of what happened last night.

1) I had a really severe meltdown/shutdown (dunno what to call it) due to stress/feelings of worthlessness/anger. One of my online friends allowed me to rant at her with all of my problems, and then I felt a little bit better. (did not tell her this)

2) I basically stared at the ceiling, not really wanting to go to bed, but knowing that I had too.

I told her that her and my AS cousin's fights (I call them fights, she has an "angry tone" when she speaks to him sometimes) are very indistinguishable in terms of what level they are (I can tell 1- joking around, but that's due to the matter of conversation - 2-10 are almost never distinguishable). Although they upset me uncontrollably sometimes, I manage to keep it all bottled up inside due to the knowledge that if I let it out I'd just get told to buck up (which is actually what she told me when I told her my difficulties), or that I'm upsetting people. Her suggestion was to ask how I was going to live in a cotton bubble, to which I told her that I was able to survive outside of the house but it's too intense in the house.

Then I got the lecture about how my stepfather (who is pretty much my mental twin) has never done anything in his life and that she's suffered horribly for the family unit. I try very hard to help her- I run errands for her around the house and I help her with everything that she requires assistance for 9/10 without any sort of resistance. She kept trying to get me "to tell her what's keeping me from sleeping", so I muttered something about my very active imagination, kissed her on the forehead, and left her with her saying "Oh, so you're going to shut me out of your life now?!"

I've just had a completely numbing shutdown now, which is actually kind of pleasant. Am I overreacting by being upset by this?

Nope .

My mum has selective assistance too, and frankly, we've had a rocky relationship since I was born - however, she is my main carer.

The thing is, she's my mum and she does love me. She may not be very good at showing it, and sometimes her assistance makes things ten times worse, but she's only human. She gets things wrong, even though she's 30 years older than me, and has mental health training!

I guess I'm trying to say that your mum is an individual. She can't see things your way, and her personality might be blocking her attempts to help you. Is she impatient, bossy, managing, etc? My mum is, and as a result, everything is based around how she hasn't seen it, therefore it can't happen, and what might happen if her friends found out, *LOL*. It took me a very long time to really look at my mum and see her exactly how she is, rather than who I would prefer. We talked it through and whilst she has changed a little, I tend to avoid her now, because she is rarely helpful. Doesn't mean I don't love her - we just can't connect in a healthy manner.

So, you need to look at you and look at your mum. How healthy is your relationship? Does it cause you harm? Can anything be done to alleviate how you feel? Would she listen if you really talked to her?

It's very difficult "pinpointing" my mom- she can be very moody and sulky then extremely cheerful and caring and even a bit too "touchy" (I can't stand cuddling with 99% of the human race- especially when I don't initiate it).

I guess I just find her very confusing- I don't know what to make of her. I expected her to try and make an effort to give guidelines about when conflict is at certain levels so that when the anger happens (and I know it will) I'll know whether it's a two or a ten. I probably just didn't say it too well (severe theory of mind problems involving knowledge-sharing are a horrifically bad hindrance for me sometimes).

I can't even tell if my relationship with her is healthy or not a lot of the time because she insists that I tell her what's bothering me, but when I do she gets angry (so, no alleviating there, since I can't point out the problem without receiving the anger/fierce compassion/I-honestly-have-no-clue). Basically, it's she asks me something, I tell her the truth, and then I get lectured about something that I did wrong involving me telling her something truthful. It's just so confusing! She does listen sometimes, it's just that it's kind of rare that she will actually listen.

Your relationship with your mom sounds very similar to mine. I know (from my stepfather) that she can get extremely irritated at me because I can't get close to her emotionally to where it satisfies her a lot of the time. I know she loves me, and I love her, but that's the huge wedge between us.

You need someone like your online friend (but in person,not online) to do this on a regular basis. Keeping things bottled up is not healthy...releasing it in small bursts not only keeps you balanced but also helps you cope with things.