Having a tough night and need a little extra suport

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btw I don't have AS. I my known conditions are anxiety,OCD, and anorexia. But I think I have an emotional disorder of sorts


I honestly have absolutely no idea how to handle myself anymore. Atleast not today. I can't stand this. I really really hate this. All day I've felt unreal and spacy, like this is a dream. As a result I got nothing done today. I feel entirely worthless. I know the feeling will pass but I just wish I could go back to normal. This has happened before but never quite this bad. I feel like I'm in a dream and noone can get me out of it. I can't wake up. I want to scream my head off. This isnt necessarilly a bad dream, but i feel trapped. I'm about to cry right now. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

And being on the computer makes it worse. But if I'm not on the computer I'm just sitting spaced out or pacing... either way I look crazy. I feel like I wont snap out of it untill tomorrow. Actually, I will say venting about it feels better. But I mean I dont know if anyone can relate but I feel like I'm just watching my fingers type this. It feels like autopilot.

I should have seen this coming. I had a very energetic day friday. I was present, in the moment, and I cleaned the entire house. Today was the opposite. I don;t want to turn this into a medical post but I'm starting to suspect some kind of inbalance. My periods have been off as well. I mean this has been a problem for me for a while.... but after a day of constant SI urges in the hopes of snapping out of it..., I can't live like this. This is the last straw. I need to do something. I just don't know what.

I felt it this morning. I was invited to a friends BBQ. My parents ended up going out and getting s**t faced at their friend's party so I couldnt go. But from this morning I knew I was going to just be entirely useless today. I know this is a negative way to think, but I woke up on cloud nine and just have been there all day.

In this moment I want to SI. I want to purge the dinner i forced down so I could have healthier blood sugar and become a space cadet that atleast has a bit of a closer orbit. I want to come back all the way. ugh

Can anyone relate to this? Any words of wisdom?
Either way just typing this felt great...and I do need a little accountability

After I post this I'm going to
:arrow jump in the pool for a night swim
:arrow wash up with cold water
:arrow fold the clothes
:arrow work on a hand drawing...or some other kind of tactileish thing that requires hands and coordination

I have days where I really want to get things done and others where I think I'm useless. Either way, my moods are really up and down, I can relate to the depressive side of what you are talking about. I'm on birth control, it affects my moods greatly and so does stress. Stress can affect your period, particuarly if you are stressed for a long period of time. I know when I feel down, I get myself distracted with other things, talking to other people is good I agree with Dantac, go chat with a doctor if you feel something is up

I hope you're feeling better now.

Hope it gets better for you! Look on the bright side, it can always be worse.