i have a confession

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i let romance infect my internal story, the infection has been spreading and getting worse for several years now. and this is the reason i will not write it down. the threat is contained for now but i fear it getting out.

if i ever write it down i will not put put this garbage on paper.

just so you know this is not a joke, i hate this paring fetish with god-given passion.

and i really need help removing it from my thought process, just knowing this crap is in my head raises my stress level.

i keep thinking "i'm asexual and a heartless aspie type person why am i thinking about this]

it makes no sense why i do.

when i'm out of my story killing things in games is a passion of mine, i love how enemies fly apart in fallout 3 and i love the blood splatter in dragon age 2. most people don't but i love it.

unless i'm in a racing game i have to be playing a game where death is involved somehow. it kinda ruined kingdom hearts for me when i found out no one dies in kingdom hearts what's the point in having fighting in a game if no one dies or at least bleeds.

but when i'm in my story i have like this split personality, it's torture and i want to find a way to save the story so i don't have to block it off completely, and maybe even start making a book from it. i'll have to start fresh again for the 100th time it seems like. i keep restarting the story over and over to clean out the garbage that now festers in it. but every time it fails.

i would talk to my mom about this but she will tell me it's normal, it isn't normal by any means and i must cure myself and the story from it.

romance doesn't seem like garbage. It sounds related to love and love is good... or do you not think so?

people flying apart does not sound good. I understand humans have a certain bloodlust that makes seeing death and destruction pleasurable as long as they have no feeling for those dying...

Could it maybe be said that you enjoy destruction because you are excited about the possibility of a beautiful pure blank slate were the current world order and its propulgators to be destroyed?

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST HARRY POTTER. I'LL LEAVE A GOOD LONG SPACE HERE















I know in Harry Potter 7.5 (probably not your kind of movie, but anyway), when Voldemort loses his power and crumbles to wisps of feathery dust floating in the air, there is at once such sadness and horror and such beauty and peace and the feeling of a completely new beginning. Voldemort represents supreme evil but Ralph Fiennes in the movie does such a good job of portraying the humanity of evil, the inherent vulnerability and sadness and waste of evil itself. He WANTS to be good. He WANTS goodness and because he cannot have what he wants he is the complete lack of it. So I think beauty and evil, romance and destruction, can coexist and do so very powerfully in fiction and in life.

In fact I think it's the most all-consuming thing in the world, the line where evil meets good, hatred meets love. That is the big question, what will prevail in the end? Why are we here, for good ends or bad? I think romance has a very natural place in your destruction-centered story.

Just my opinion, but i'm not sure there's a cure for that type of thing--other than to get a game career and write your own stories.

I'll say this--I love kingdom hearts storyline. There are plots just as good--or writing even better, but some of the endings--are more tragic than a simple "death". I.E. kingdom hearts: birth by sleep

I mean could reccommend some animes for you to watch if video games aren't cutting it. Berserk is a very violent anime, most action afficionado's tend to like it, good story, great characters, lots of violence.

i hate love as a whole. to me it's like a sickness.

as for violent disturbing things i got that covered, drakengard is violent and disturbing enough, it tops fallout 3 and dragon age by far. when you have giant\cannibelistic\flame throwing\electrified\flying\babies falling out of the blood red sky and you know all hell is gong to break loose at any minute it's going to be a bit weird.

chapter 12 of drakengard stands for me as the most distrubing thing i've ever gone through in a video game out of my 15 or so years of gaming, nothing i feel could ever top that.

usually i can get through anything on a game no matter what it is as long as i'm in control of the character, but i had a hell of a time getting through chapter 12 even when i can control caim. i still several years later do not like watching the videos i recorded and stored.

and the japanese version they say was worse then the english one, i can't even find the japanese cutscenes on youtube. the whole drakengard series is to put it simply "messed up"

kingdom hearts was ruined for me ever since 358 when they dropped a character into the series and took a game that was ment to be about 13th order as a whole and made it all about her, to mention they have yet to show the destruction of hollow bastion when xehanort gave up his heart. i wanted to see the world get ravaged by darkness, and to know more about xemnas. now the story makes no sense at all because they keep changing the rules every new game, heck dream drop has no purpose at all and the name is stupid besides i'm not buying a new damn console to keep up with a broken story. once they show the thing i want to see and someone posts it on youtube i will have all my pieces to the xemnas puzzle and i will be happy with that. i thought terra's story was just nothing but tragic, the other two i couldn't care less about.

but yeah i perfer violence over just about anything, in fact i'm waiting for arrmagedon, i love complete destruction. like i found a ton of mods after playing fallout 3 to make the wasteland "look better" as most would say, i think it looks good as is. i love everything about it, plants are dead which means no more god forsaken green, it's peaceful and has a lifeless feeling to it like it's frozen in time. but if the bombs dropped in 2067 or something why is everything stuck in the 80s shouldn't all the stuff look more current geez, [that's the only thing i don't get about fallout] the only thing that looks good or modern is the monorail train. it is a game based of the real world right?

if anything i perfer dc to look like that if it would have been stuck in the 80s.

but i can't even fathom why anyone would want to destory that by restoring it.

but yeah death, destruction, etc.. i like. and i'm a female.

my favorite thing about trains is watching them mow down cars when try to pass before the gates go down, then i think that showed em.

but why is the total opposite thing in my head, it's like torture.

it's like on one hand i have the perfect mindset to be a serial killer, and then in my story i'm opposite of that, it makes me crazy. because i'd rather be the former.

i've been through several deaths of people i knew and it never fazed me one bit. my grandpa died and the only reason i was crying is because seeing him dead forced me back into reality faster then anything else could. a few minutes later once i was back in the fantasy i was perfectly fine. the only deaths that ever effect me or will effect me are those of my cats, kirby espeashily.

when my best friend of 10+ years told me she slept with some guy before marrige and was pregnat i was more then willing to drop her like a stone, i still don't want her to come crying to me when the s**t hits the fan, because i will tell it like it is. "it's your problem now fix it"

my other friend stops calling, for a few months i was hurt but now i say what good are real friends anyway i got plenty up in my head to replace them easily.

i don't know why i am violent by nature but i like it, everything else i don't need. all other emotions besides hate\anger and saddness [and i mean saddness toward myself to be hurt by what happens to me] are burdens i don't need.

I wonder if your total embrace of destruction and rejection of happiness is due to the Aspie need to think in absolutes. And since there is never absolute happiness in this imperfect world one can only hope that there is perfection in whatever happens after everything is destroyed, in the afterlife or lack of an afterlife (nothingness).

To me it seems like the urge for complete destruction is thus one and the same as the urge for complete peace and joy.

I do understand your feelings and obviously many others who enjoy seeing devastating destruction in fiction and maybe in real life too do also.

I still feel like there is romance present in your story whether you want it to be there or not, in this pleasure in destruction. Romance in the broad sense of the world that doesn't just mean affectionate love between two people but means mythical, archetypal beauty. You find pleasure in destruction and therefore there is romance in destruction by that definition.

Such seeming opposites can be hard to coagulate in your mind and maybe that's why your mind rejects one as disgusting. Human minds tend to believe there can only be one true path to a desired goal, which there may be, but it also may be that it can exist in romance existing simultaneously and as the same thing as destruction.

I don't mean to be patronising but in the same vein I think you must want to have friends but since that has proved challenging (like it has for me many times) you reject it in favor of the hope of joy in its absolute opposite. But people need friends, they need them, and eventually I got so lonely I started reaching out to anybody and everybody and it worked, I'm less lonely now and have friends even though I have a history of having a hard time making friends.

Sorry for babbling on and on and I hope you got at least some bit of meaning out of that.

so your saying there is more the one definition of romance, that's news to me. so basicly in my bloodlust i have come to accept romance in a general sense, but i think that get's twisted by images and stories i come across. one of my favorite things to do in my story is create a coupling bettween two characters and then kill one off, make them an artificial human or what not, just to see how one or both react. like i had something going between cullen and my torch burner, cullen got possessed by a demon from his world that was taking over his mind body and soul little by little.

torch got anders to help her get the demon out of him, but anders told her that if he did remove the demon cullen would die because half of his life force was gone. torch then [because she had no time for anything else] merged her life force with his, so now they are two halves of a whole.

later on cullen found out that because they were linked her powers were merging with him, and because of his history with magic he wasn't taking it well. eventually dark [one of the villains in my story] saw that cullen wanted to do whatever he could to not become half mage himself even though he had feelings for her. so dark told him that they could be separated, but since the the both were using one half of the same life force one of them needed to become half machine to make up for what was missing. dark also told him that turning torch into a cyborg could take away her powers which was one thing that cullen wanted.

so he robotized torch and after that found out harshly that she wasn't happy about what he did and she still had her powers [dark lied he does that alot]

but this is kinda how romance goes in my story.