Venting about my Aspie "friend"...where did he go?

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Ok, I just need to vent for a bit. I thought I had made a really good friend a while ago (he's an Aspie). We used to chat online all the time as well as chat on the phone and in person when we saw each other (he lives a couple of hours away). He's JUST a friend, and though he had at one time expressed an interest in me beyond friendship, he told me he was fine with whatever I could give him. So together we opted to be friends. (I'm not sure this is even relevant to what's going on -- he's told me he often gets crushes but that they go away within a few months. Anyhow, I'm trying to give a full picture.)

Our friendship seemed to go along fine for a while. We got along great, had wonderful conversations etc. But as the months have rolled along he's basically not communicated with me at all unless I initiate it.

I told him quite bluntly that it's difficult for me to have a one-sided friendship, that the effort needed to be reciprocated. I also asked if something was wrong or if the friendship had just fizzled (I basically gave him a clean way to get out of the friendship), but he said that "no, he still wanted to be friends and I needed to look at it from a long-term perspective." Whatever that means...

Then, he apologized and just said he was really busy -- too busy for any of his friends and he was sorry but he hoped it would get better. That was over TWO MONTHS AGO. No word from him. No email. Nothing. I feel like I'm a bit of a door mat; that I've been taken for granted or used or something. This makes me sad because I tried SO HARD to be a good, solid friend and he's just pissing our friendship away. I don't need constant communication, but an email once a month or a post on my FB page...any sign he was thinking about me would be nice.

Here's what's worse: I'm going to a professional conference soon and I know I'll run into him. I'm not going to be bitter or snub him; rather I'll be friendly, nice and courteous (assuming he even acknowledges that he knows me). But a part of me wants to just blow him off because he's completely dropped the ball on our friendship. What's EVEN MORE worse (yes, to ME it gets worse) is that he spends a good chunk of time yammering on Facebook! So, he doesn't have time for a quick "hi, how are you doing?" for his friends, but he admits to spending 3 hours per day on FB (only never on my FB page)???! And he has the nerve to tell me that he's too busy for his friends???! !!

Ironically, he used to lament to me at how hard it was for him to make good friends (Gee... wonder why??), so I'm mad at myself for working at this friendship. I'm hurt and angry, but maybe I should just be glad that I found out now? OR... Maybe it really is me?? Am I being unreasonable??

Is it wrong that I just want to bitch-slap some sense into the man??? ( I'm JUST kidding... )

*Sigh* -- Cassie

I have done this from time to time. I stop communicating with people to see if they're actually friends, or if we spend time together because I initiate it. If you're going to remain friends with this person, you're occasionally going to have to initiate contact. It's nothing personal I assure you. He's just gauging the friendship you two have.

Johnsmcjohn, I appreciate your feedback. He's told me he's too busy. Therefore, I don't want to be a pest so I left the "communication ball" in his court. Nonetheless, I actually HAVE initiated simple contact with him via FB (apparently his communication of choice) a few times during the past couple of months, but he doesn't respond or even give me a "Like." My interpretation of this utter lack of response is quite depressing...

How else could I interpret that?

You need to tell him directly that this is what you expect of him because this is what friends do.



If you blew him off he wouldn't know why you were upset with him, if he even realizes you blew him off. More than likely he would just be confused and trying to drop passive aggressive or subtle hints to someone with AS that you are upset with them or dissatisfied with them in some way usually does not work because much of the time they do not pick up on them, and frequently do not understand what you are trying to convey with they do pick up on them.



What does he do on facebook? If he comments, does he comment to other people in a socially engaging way or does he just voice his opinions on their posts? Does he not comment at all and just read posts and look at photos?

People with AS may seem to engage in social activities much like everyone else, but on closer look these activities and the way they go about them lacks certain elements that facilitate normal socialization.



Because he has AS and people with AS do not understand the unspoken rules of socialization unless they are told these rules explicitly or come by them through some deep analysis. They do not have a natural sense of social dynamics.



If he does indeed have AS, then yes, you are being unreasonable because he was honest and told you he had AS and now you are expecting things of him that people with AS have well documented difficulties with.

It is like a person telling you they are dyslexic and then you becoming upset with them because you wrote them a poem and they can't read it.



Actually you should talk some sense into him. You need to explain to him that people have expectations of others in relationships and be very direct in pointing out what those expectations are and that he does not fulfill those expectations, and mention that that's probably one reason he has difficulty making or keeping friends.

From the perspective of someone with AS, friends magically happen to others and not them and they know they must be doing something wrong but they don't know what because they may perceive that they are making an effort to make friends.

You should also be aware that people with AS frequently need a lot of alone time.
It also could be that he really can't just be friends and so has distanced himself.

I had something similar happen to me recently. I met an Aspie guy and communicated with him online for about three weeks. During that time both of us initiated contact and he often said he enjoyed spending time with me. He told me he was moving and might take a while organizing in his new apartment, which I said was fine. It's been nearly three weeks since then now and I haven't heard from him at all. I've sent him emails, texts, and instant messages, but he hasn't responded. I am beginning to wonder if he knows how worried I am, or if I even should be worrying.

Hey Chronos, I really appreciate the feedback. Venting has helped but so has the feedback. Thanks for your two cents.

Even though I've THOUGHT I'd been extremely explicit by telling him our friendship had become one-sided, I hadn't specified that he should drop me a quick email about once a month... so maybe I'll try that approach when I see him??



I'm not sure what he really does on FB. It seems like he mostly just puts out opinions and gathers reactions, but he does interact with folks by asking some questions etc.


Point well taken. It sounds like even though I'm interpreting him ignoring me as a snub, it probably isn't. He's just doing whatever he does. I'll try to "roll with it," and not take it personally, even though it's difficult for me sometimes.




I will indeed try this approach... I guess we'll see how he responds.

I've read many posts by Aspies to understand their perspective and, despite my current venting, I think it has helped me be a better friend. Therefore, I hope some AS folks gleened a bit of insight from my NT perspective regarding friendship frustrations.

I was in a similar scenario with a "friend" of mine recently.

End of the story: I ended up telling him to get f****d. There's no point focusing and putting effort into people who are that indifferent about keeping up the friendship.

:)

I think....


He wanted more than friendship maybe? He said he was ok with friends to get his foot in the door in the hope that your feelings would change. Except they didn't so he's moved on. Or just deliberately stopped seeing you so he could stop thinking about you. Either way, i think there was a lot more there for him and you missed it

A lot of my friendships have been one sided like that. There were a couple people that I absoutly refused to call, but if they called me I always made a point in spending time with them.

Usually, for me, this happened when I wasn't sure where I stood with someone. I'm not always great at understanding what a person wants from me (friendship/romance/someone to watch old tv with), and a lot of times I seem to get it wrong. Moreover, I often end up offending people when I do try to initiate contact (even just a "want to do this thing that we've been doing recently" from me is sometimes enough to make them never call me again... I dunno). My way to maintain these friendships ended up just being to go out of my way when they called to make time for them and leave them alone otherwise. Somehow people never accused me of being rude with this though, I was just the quiet guy who they could always count on if they wanted someone to stop by.

What he said. I have done this once, but I think I did it because I wasn't consistent enough in the friendship, and felt she could have done better. So you may never know....

I'm probably going to be seeing him this weekend. If he's really trying to gauge our friendship, I'm going to be direct and spell it out. Hopefully we'll come to an amicable decision regarding either terminating the friendship OR defining expectations that work for both of us to help us maintain/grow the friendship. I'm not the overly-sensitive type-- especially if things are spelled out for me and are consistent.

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but consistency is key for me, otherwise I don't know how to behave/respond.

LuckyLeft, I forgot to ask, what should she have "done better" in your opinion? (I don't want to make the same mistakes)

-Cassie

It's simple. He's rejecting you. The "I'm busy" excuse is a very common one. I've had that too and got very confused when people have told me that they were busy, yet had lots of time for their other friends. To tell you "I'm busy" is a way of saying "I don't have any more time for you". It hurts like hell, and it's misleading, but that's what it means.

Also, if they ever message you after that or add you to some other social network or internet group - it's just because you're still in their address book. If they message you every now and then on their terms (every few months or so) it's just their own curiosity - they're still not interested. Men especially do this when they've just come out of a relationship and are a bit bored, so they think they'll contact you to pass the time, then they cut you out again. If you go along with it, they'll keep doing it every few months or so. It's quite easy to spot - they'll never contact you unless it suits them, and ignore you when you try to contact them. That's a big red warning sign.

This is exactly what I do as well. I've had some problems when I tried to initiate contact with people I had met and interacted with before and they simply ignored me until I stopped trying. So, now, I only really initiate contact with people whom I know will not mind. It could be that this is what's going on with you as well, Cassie.

I agree with Chronos that you should make very clear what your terms of friendship are. Routines are very important. I usually only get in touch with a number of people around their birthdays. I simply don't know how to start a conversation otherwise (or, rather, I do, but I have no idea if it's wanted by the other party). Put down the rules and see if he reacts. If the behaviour continues, he might just really be a bad friend and you'll have to cut him away. There are bad friends among Aspies as well. The diagnosis doesn't really matter for that.

We did indeed have a chat. Fortunately, by the time I saw him face to face, I was no longer irritated and could come to the discussion from a calm and loving position, one in which I truly want his happiness and I would absolutely not be bitter or angry if we went our separate ways. (Since we never had a romantic relationship, there wasn't any of that weird emotional baggage to overcome, which I'm sure helped too.)

Here's the gist of what went down:
I told him that I expected friendships to be a two-sided relationship and that it would be nice to hear from him once in a while -- nothing major, just an email or quick text once a month-ish would be sufficient and I would reciprocate. He told me that was reasonable, that he could do that.

I also asked him why he hadn't contacted me for several months and he said he'd simply forgotten. I made a suggestion to put me in a calendar and he said he'd try to do that. Whether he does or not, it's out of my control and I'm OK with it. He knows I don't have the energy for a one-sided relationship, so if that's how it plays out then he shouldn't be surprised if I stop contacting him.

What was most interesting to me was that, when I asked him if he found making friends to be difficult he said, "No. It's keeping friends." Maybe our discussion will help him make the connection between his behavior and his not being able to keep friends, who knows?

To those of you struggling with friendship, here's my two cents
In my opinion, I think that as we get older it becomes more difficult to maintain friendships. We're not hanging out with our pals day in and day out like we did in grade school. We've got lives and jobs and responsibilities. If we want to maintain friendships, I think we should expect some small bit of effort on our parts to try to nurture those relationships. Typically, sending a quick email or taking time out of your day for a short phone call is often all it takes. With old, established friendships where I have years of history with that person, I often go months -- even years-- without speaking to them and would still consider them a friend.

With newer friendships that's not the case. I don't have the track-record established with that person so it's more susceptible to miscommunication and drifting away.

Thank you everyone for your insights. I hope this has been helpful to others, I know it has been a great help to me!