Other people making me feel worthless and upset

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(Just skim-read if you feel bored at reading all of it. I just wanted to see if other Aspies can relate too).
I never used to be as paranoied as I am now, back when I was 18 (which was only 3 years ago). It's other people who have kicked my self-esteem right down, causing all these panic attacks, paranoia, and feelings of failure. It's actually other women and young girls which cause this for me, not so much men. And you would have thought women would know better not to make others feel bad about themselves, since women are the ones who worry about how pretty/confident they look themselves all the time.

I do suffer with an anxiety disorder (could be co-morbid to my AS), and I also seem very social phobic lately. I worry too much of what others think of me, which in a way is a good thing, because it improves self-awareness and it has actually made me more able to make friends, since I pick up cues from other people. But the bad part is, I've become too paranoied of what others think of me, not so much people I work with, but more so strangers in the street. I feel that everybody is watching me and looking at me, and taking in everything I do. Like say if I tripped up a kerb, but not actually fell over or anything, I always think that everybody saw it and are all commenting to eachother, ''oh, did you see that girl over there - she tripped up on the edge of the kerb! Oh my god, did you see that? She's really weird because she tripped up!''....and so on. Even though probably nobody even saw, and those who did see probably didn't think anything, but I just cannot get my mind to stop teasing me. When I go out in the street, I don't like any unwanted attention drawn to me. And I've explained on WP about 300 times about how I go out looking and acting normal and wearing clothes that blend in, so I'm not going to keep repeating myself again just to get through to some people here who seem to always have an answer to everything that what an NT might be thinking of me. To shorten it, all I say is I go out looking presentable, not too snobby and not too weird. Just ordinary, and I wash regularly too. Anyway, where I come from, you get all sorts of different people, some weird, some snobby, most just ordinary, and I believe I am one of the ordinary ones, so I didn't think I would be able to stand out if I tried.

It's just that learning on WP that NTs are so quick on the mark, and how they notice what sort of a person you are just by vibes that you give out, and so on, all this has made me feel even more paranoied and also a bit embarrassed of going out, and makes me feel worthless and ugly, and pushes my self-esteem right down, which doesn't do my ego any good. But then I think again. Surely I can't look that weird, because I often get strangers starting up a little friendly conversation with me when I'm waiting in the bus stop. If I was looking geeky or stupid or weird, I wouldn't have thought that people would want to bother saying anything, (because I wouldn't want to start talking to someone who looks a bit weird or some sort of other anti-social vibe). So that makes me feel a little better about myself. Also, when I'm walking along, often I am stopped by a car-driver or a van-driver and got asked for directions to somewhere. If I was walking really funny or looking really weird, I wouldn't think people would want to rely on my answer. Once I was in a car with my dad, and we were lost, and I saw a young man walking along, walking in a very strange way, and had his tongue out, and he looked a bit freakish. I said to my dad, ''ask him for directions'', and my dad said, ''no, I'm not asking him!'' And I said, ''he might be all right. It's not like he's going to bite!'' But my dad was stubborn, and he drove upto someone else to ask for directions.

But I've had some experiences of feeling that I'm being looked at, laughed at, and talked about by people who don't even know me. (Replace the word ''people'' with ''women''). Not just young teenage girls, but even older women in their 50s and 60s! Usually women of that age are less judgemental, but I've still experienced it sometimes. Like today I walked into a charity shop, and went to look at some clothes on the rail. My back was to the 2 people at the till, but I heard one of them talk about a sign above me, then another one whispered something, then I turned round and saw that they were both staring at me, so I walked out, and went to the toilets and burst into tears. These were 2 women, over 60, in a charity shop aswell! Surely they can't have been saying something about me. I reckon they whispered, ''take the sign down after that stupid ugly girl over there goes'' or something like that.
Women are now making me not want to be out on show any more. And this isn't the only time this has happened in a small shop. It has happened loads of times in different small shops with different women. It's even happened when I was giving a CV to a girl at the till in a shorts shop, and the 2 girls were then sniggering at me.

Then the other day I saw a man sitting on a bench all day, drinking alcohol and shouting and swearing really loudly but to nobody inparticular, and nobody was laughing at him (who was showing that he was acting like a sado with absolutely no life), and yet there's me looking for nice clothes and giving out CVs, and I get laughed at!

I thought NT women had a better understanding of other people's feelings?
I wish people would give me some dignity!

I have the exact same thing, i've learnt not to care what strangers think, the only people who's opinion that matters is those who i care about. It took me years to get to this point...

I have some issues like that....personally I am already weird and my clothing kind of reflects that. I guess at some point I decided there was nothing wrong with expressing that on the outside and stubbronly refused to go along with mainstream fashion. I am a short petite female and a lot of times I wear guys clothing, or both male and female clothing.....Like a tight shirt with cutt off shorts made of guys cargo pants on occasion I wear tight pants on occasion I also have a bit of an obsession with metal and music of the 60's which my clothing does express a lot of times. I still sometimes get anxious and such but at least I am not dressing in way that makes me feel like I need to play a role other then me.

Maybe that would not work for you but to me it feels better when I am not trying to look/act like what society would see as perfectly normal.

Also on a more large scale I have just been slowly conditioning myself to not care what other people think to an extent.....obviously if someone has a valid points to make I am not going to scream at them that I am the only person that matters.

Oh also there is something In psychology class I learned about called the spotlight effect......its basically when you feel like or assume everyone is focused on you and what you're doing. The good news is they probably aren't most people in public are focused on their own things that they are out and about to do not what someone they have never even met is wearing or doing. I find this helpful because now when I start getting anxious about feelings like that I can just reason with myself that chances are no one cares that much anyways. If someone is focused on you they are either looking to start a fight with someone or just a judgemental person who likes to project their flaws onto other people and judge them for it. Or if they are like me the are peacefully observing people in general for something to do not to judge or take any action towards them.

Maybe a little weird here, but.. do you have anyone at all close to you? Mom, Dad, sisters, brothers, friends, etc?

Think about how you feel with people who are close to you.. or who actually care compared to these situations. I've always felt if you had 2 friends versus 5 bullies, the 2 friends win hands down anytime. Why? The bullies don't matter.

Also when we're bullied at a young age and don't respond to it, we get paranoid feelings that people are always talking about us or looking down on us.

Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling.

Just by reading what you type--I could say hands down, you're not the type of person i'd make fun of or wouldn't be friends with.

NT women (IMO) are perceptive towards certain things, but not necessarily empathetic--anyone can be empathetic. You're imo an empathetic person--you were willing to give the guy who you wanted to ask directions a chance despite initial perceptions.

People of the same gender are actually competitive with each other indirectly--your friends with people you relate to, you aren't friends with people you don't relate to.

People are jealous and petty and vindictive. They don't use the same logic base in judging you, they don't care how good your arguments are as to why what they're saying about you is wrong. If you do personally encounter someone messing with you and you have the choice, walk away.

For every 2 minutes you spend of someone putting you down versus someone uplifting you--the person uplifting you wins hands down.

All I can do is sympathise, since the others have said all the right things . I think we all go through this, and even without seeing you, I can guarantee that you aren't ugly/repulsive/etc etc. No one is, not really. However, I do exactly the same thing - for 9 years at school I was told how repulsive, ugly, square, unfriendable I was, and for a while I believed it. I now keep a mirror in my (extremely small) toilet, so every time I go to the loo, I am forced to look at myself. I then make myself find one thing I think is pretty. Just one thing.

The thing is, I'm not repulsive. Sure, I'm fat, my eyes are too small, I'm developing a double chin and I have incredibly short legs, but that doesn't make me repulsive. Do you see? I'm just ordinary. There are fatter women out there, women with smaller eyes, women with a more pronounced double chin and women with shorter legs, but I don't consider them repulsive - so why am I making a case for myself?

Because people have said really nasty things to me in the past, and I've taken them as truths, rather than as people with problems who are lashing out at someone else. Or, to put it another way, people who knock others down so they can stand on them to make themselves look taller.

This is all about perception, isn't it . People are inherantly selfish, so subconciously you are aware that they aren't really talking about you. But you've been taught that it's possible that they might be. And if they are, then they're saying something nasty. But what if the two women in the charity shop were remarking how pretty they thought you were? Or that your figure reminded them of how they used to be at your age (far more likely! ).

Basically, you know in your heart that whilst there are cruel people out there, there are also people who are nice. Plus, do you really care what a complete stranger who doesn't know you thinks? Do they know you? Would you like to hold a conversation with them or spend an evening in their company? If not, then they can only be pitied, because they are Less-Than. You need to do your equivilent of my mirror - wear a pretty dress one day, not because it's appropriate, but simply because you want to. Put flowers in your hair and make friends with the bees who visit you . Walk the world like it is your place, not theirs, because to you, it is.

I don't have any advice but I do understand.

Thank you for all the posts here. It has helped.

In my opinion there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who has the strength and wisdom to stand up against societies rules of clothing and cares more about the heart and whats on the inside than whats on the inside. god bless your heart for your strength and wisdom. You know ive always figured that the reason women are so concerned about clothing and such, is because they are too insecure about themselves and they have to prey on other womens weaknesses, because they lack inner beauty, and they have an empty space in their heart that needs filled by preying on women like you who have inner beauty. just be proud of yourself for being one of the few women who have a strong mind and a strong heart, and that the only reason they treat you that way is because deep down they are wishing they could have your spirit. considering im a 15 yr old boy i may have the wrong idea about womens emotions and insecurities, buit i still think you should feel proud of yourself for having so much strong will no matter what

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))

Yes I use to have a lot of this only it wasn't at a particular gender. People of both genders use to bully me pretty bad in school. Then after I graduated I was very paranoid of people and isolated myself from everyone. I went through a lot of hospitalizations and being medicated. I think there were many factors that helped but one was getting on the right meds. To a degree I can relate to this but I don't look at it so much as an NT or this or that thing as it is me. I am a person who is sensative to people who act like jackasses and I have other things aside from AS. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It is very hard especially when no one can relate. There is no one way to help a person who may have a depressive disorder among other things. I've had to go to a lot of programs I hated but kind of helped in the long run.

Take care and try not to let these people get to you, they aren't worth it.

I went on a 6-week course a few weeks ago, (a course for people who were on job-seekers), and there was all different kinds of people on the course, and none of them thought I was weird. I was even the last one in the room on the first day, and I had to find a seat. I found one in between 2 people who I had never met before, and they didn't look at me weird and think, ''oh she looks like she's weird. I don't really want her sitting next to me, I don't trust her.'' But nobody did. In fact, I got a smile from one person, and a bit later somebody asked me for help on one of the tasks we had to do. I said I wasn't sure either, so he asked somebody else.

I even got asked out by one of the men on the course, on the last week of the course, but I didn't fancy him and so said told him I wasn't interested.
So people in the course respected me, and I don't think none of them noticed my AS (which is, to other people, ''weirdness''), so if I'm good at hiding it when meeting new people for the first time, I must be good at hiding it when waiting for a bus, queueing up in a shop, or just walking in the street.

I agree with Arian about that they probably were saying something nice about you instead of something nasty if they were talking about you. They could have been just talking about the sign. About the feeling that people are watching, I've noticed that lots of people feel exactly like that and that helped me stress less about that feeling.

I think, based on what you've said, that you most lightly come across as a lovely person inside and out. Strangers who act meanly have no right to try take that knowledge from you, actually no one who acts meanly has any right to make you doubt yourself.

bradt4evr, you seem to have a pretty good theory. I'm a twenty-eight year old woman and this will probably help me deal with mean women in the future, previous to this I would have just gotten confused and stressed over a mean woman.

Joe90, I hope you feel better sooner than later. (((hugs)))