Why was I born like this?

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I don't understand how anyone could be happy being an Aspie unless they lack interest in things that AS makes difficult if not impossible. I want a normal life. Screw being insightful and brilliant and focused. I would rather be a happy, fulfilled and hopelessly normal NT. I quit my job because it made me feel like crap everyday. I was under constant stress sadly setup to fail, because there was no way for me to live up to my employers standards. I worked for Goodwill by the way; as 'competitive' employee no less so they did little to nothing to help me where I needed help. They didn't believe I was disabled enough to need any extra help. Goodwill is a crock, they employ people with mild to severe disabilities for one reason and only one. They are subsidised by Federal, State and Private organizations to provide services to the disabled individuals or in their terms "Participants". They are given significantly more than they need. Certainly more than they pay these disabled workers, all of whom make sub-minimum wage. They do not teach these individuals the skills they would need to possibly work somewhere else. Besides that would mean less funding. Anyway I've gotten off topic. ( I despise Goodwill Industries. )

Well anyway I have spent most of my life being misdiagnosed with a variety of different psychological disorders from the very popular Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder to Oppositional Defiance Disorder ( Bad Kid syndrome. ) It wasn't until there was a horrific misunderstanding involving a female coworker that turned into the threat of stalking charges. ( Consequently when the young woman made it clear she was not interested I avoided her like the plague. Pretty nontypical of an obsessed stalker, no? ) Anyway this and a whole medical history of dysfunction it finally dawned on my psychologist that I may have a form of HFA. I was tested and officially diagnosed with AS at age 23. If I had been diagnosed earlier there were programs and aid that my parents could have taken advantage of, not to mention helping me understand why I was so different. I hated school because my peers were cruel. I was bullied and taken advantage of on a regular basis. I have had almost 30 years of frustration and tears. I hate autism! I hate being an Aspie! It hasn't been some kind of wonderful gift; it has been a liability and constant source of anguish!

I am so socially inept, so hopelessly ill equipped to compete in this largely NT civilization. My mother blames herself for my condition. She says she knew if she had children that they would be born abnormal. Throw into the mix that I had a traumatic birth because my mother was unintentionally crushing my head during her contractions. ( I was subsequently delivered C-section. ) She thinks she did this to me! I love my mother with all my heart and it breaks seeing her dispare and feel such unecessary and undeserved guilt. This has been especially hard on her. This lifetime of being unable to make things right for her son. Her desire for me to have fulfilling life free of the dibilitating anxiety and social ostrisization is only compounded by her own psychological disorders. My AS doesn't just hurt me. It hurts the people I care about. Maybe things would feel different had I been fortunate enough to have been properly diagnosed as a child. Maybe I would feel differently about autism if I had the proper supports in place as a child. But that is not the case.

I know most of you have had your share of frustrations in life. Trouble forming and maintaining friendships and lasting romantic relationship, or sometimes even maintaining steady employment. THAT is the only reason I am divulging any of this. It is out of desperate need to be truly understood. I don't know how much more I can endure. I hate myself because I am not the person I wish I was. I am not the son my mother and father deserve. I am not the strong older brother my sister should have had. I feel hopeless! God I just want everything to make sense. I want to lots of friends, I want to be successful, I want to be appealing to women! I am damaged goods. And no one wants something that is broken. I feel so alone. I just wish the pain would go away. That the bad memories would disappear. I wish I could be happy with who I am. Sometimes it seems like the only sensation I am capable of feeling is the pain, guilt and shame of being some sort of freak. It is soulcrushing. But all that has attributed to my distaste at being an Aspie. Maybe one of you will understand. I know there will be plenty of you who resent my opinion. Know this MY life has taught me that there is nothing normal or natural about being this way so it would be unreasonable to think EVERYONE feels the way I do. I'm sorry if I make some of you angry with my lack of joy and elation at being the odd man out. I'm sorry if my grammatical errors offend some of the more anal among you. I need someone to hear. I need someone to understand. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Help me.

I understand your sentiments, as I've not been without my own struggles in life. However I've never quite been able to fathom a completely NT version of me.

I think I should point out that AS only has the potential to become a disability in the context of certain societies. I will use the China example again. In China, it's considered a horrible thing to be short. Unusually short men are discriminated against severely. They have difficulty finding employment, wives, or possibly even friends. In the US, however, they wouldn't be the case.

Likewise, I think in some societies the difficulties one might experience due to AS become irrelevant. For example, societies where one's role is well defined and a strict social structure is implemented. An example might be an Amish or Hutterite society. Another example is a society in which people survive as a group by basic means, such as a tribal society.

Have you ever thought of joining an alternative society?

You know after i read this the first thing that came to my mind is that this person has a strong spirit, that is very loving of all people. You have overcome so much with your disability, you have gone through more tha any nt will ever be able to say they went through, and for that you should hold your head high . You have been through so many things a sa child, and you have had so many people hurt you, yet you came out of that situation, still caring more about others than yourself, I admire you greatly and i only hope that i can one day have a spirit like yours that is so honest and sincere. I do not see a lost cause inside ofd you, i see a perosn who is just gettting started in life and will go on to great things, spreading their love and joy to all people. Your AS is a blessing for that exact reason, you have been given a heartt that is kind and giving and insightful, and you see life for what it is, many NT women, who are surrounded by friends, cry when alone, for they are filled with pathetic insecurities, worrying more about their weight, their skin, their money, but you worry more abot whats important in life. Your Family! You were not born a mistake , you were born as an amazing person! Your AS has made you a stronger person, stronger than your mother, stronger than those bullies who taunted you, stronger than those people who shunned you, Stronger then your employers at goodwill! stronger then everyone, and that, is why you should hold your head high. My hats off to you

Thats interesting. I would say being an AS is a gift. Socializing with people who are of not the same nature is not fun at all, especially when you know they only want you to be there is to fill space or to try to make themselves feel better through testing you. Its kinda sad really, when they have to test each other to make themselves feel better about themselves. It has happened to me and is complete BS, especially from a guy who probably couldn't unlock a f*****g door if the key was in it.
It can be a gift you just have to know how to use it. It has taken me 3 years to figure that out but oh well, now that I know what I want and how I can get it, it makes life a little easier. Now its a matter of knowing when I start looking for a job, I'm going to have to deal with the BS politics that is going to come with it. People who are afraid of loosing their job because they know the only thing they have to offer is a personality and be used as scapegoat. f**k the weak people who the only way they can keep their job and feel secure is by doing that to other people. They just know how to wake up and go to work and drink a f*****g beer and tell a joke.

Being insightful isn't a bad thing at all. Learn what would be best to be insightful about and keep doing it. You will eventually find what is important and continue for constant gratification that you had the capabilities to figure it out.

Thank you; those of your who replied. I appreciate you words of encouragement. But I am beginning to think that my psychological instability may have deeper roots than I am capable of fixing by myself. My mind is too maleable and my temperment demonstrates similarities to; for lack of a better analogy; an 'Exothermic' organism's lack of internal regulation of its own body temperature. I need a type of stucture that is nonexistant in NT society. Add to that the fact that for 23 years I beleived I was a NT. I didn't understand why I felt so out of place, my sense of selfworth was measured against a NT model. My 'peers' intimidated and menaced me without having to try. I couldn't compete with my false peers.

As much as I tried; no matter how earnest my attempts to fit in, I could not cope with my fundimental differences. I don't know how to process any of it. It was psycologically damaging. I belong in NT society about as much as a wolf belongs in a lion pride. Without true peers; kindred spirits in whom I would finally find myself to be normal. This truly has felt like the wrong planet. I gauge what is normal by what I observe in NTs. In that respect I am doomed to fall outside of the realm of 'normal'. That is too many years trying to be something I can't be. I don't know if I can deprogram all the NT BS I was forced to build my concept of reality on. For me it has been easier to just try to be NT than it has to being comfortable to be an Aspie. Is there anyone else who has had this kind of life? Is there anyone here who was trapped and has now broken free of the NT mindjob? Was everyone here diagnosed early enough to avoid this sort of traumatic scenerio? What should I do? What can I do? Like I said I am tired of feeling this way. I want to get better.

I am soffocating, I haven't slept more than eight hours in this last week. I've turned to addiction, but it makes things worse. I'm falling apart here. There are no Adult Aspie support groups anywhere remotely close to where I live. They have me on some new medication. I'm having to pay for it out of pocket because I have no health care My psychologist is seeing me pro bono. If I could hear how someone else coped with this kind of situation; survived and reclaimed the good health and mental well-being that would make all this worth it... If I had just one person who's example I could draw strength from and beat this. It would be.... I don't have words to express what it would mean to me. This lost wolf needs the strength of the pack...

Again sorry for any irritation my grammer may cause.

I'm sorry, words can't express the way I empathize.

I think there's nothing wrong with being you--socially inept and all.

I see people who post on here who think NTs have some super enriching life altering friendships with every person they come across. Its not even close to the case.

NTs have their own issues as well, imo.

I'm not trying to demean your suffering. I think you're beating yourself up, the door is far from closed on you improving. When you give up--is when any hope of improving things ends.

Your anger and frustration doesn't have to work against you, it can work for you as fuel to improve.