Should I break with my family?

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I don’t know if anyone’s actually going to read this… but I’ll try to keep it fairly short.

Growing up, I was kind of the unwanted child, since I was “different”. (AS)
It didn’t either help the situation that my father was an alcoholist.
He used to drink, and then get angry. If I had made any little mistake, it could be so small as to forget to turn off the lights when I left a room, or if I’d fallen over at school and gotten a scratch, he would yell at me.

He could yell at me for hours, long after I’d started crying. He could say really hurtful things, things that pierced right through the soul. Things like how I was retarted and good for nothing, that he could see why I didn’t have any friends, or that he didn’t want me anymore, that he wanted to send me away. I remember one night he told me he wanted to send me to an institution so he could protect my siblings from me.
He is almost 2 meters tall, and severly overweight. And I was just a kid. I was so scared. I was always scared to be alone with him, afraid he would get angry again.

And I didn’t know what to do. I did not think that it was abuse, because he never physically hit me. I thought if I told someone they wouldn’t take me seriously, they’d be like “well every parent scolds their child”, but that wasn’t what it was. This was different.

I’ve always spent a lot of time alone in my room, devoting time to various special interests. But always knowing he was downstairs, and always having to act like nothing was wrong around. Cause if I hesitated, he would be angry again, because I could never let go of grudges.

Every day since I was 5, I’ve wished he was dead. I don’t feel any affection for him, only hate and fear. Maybe that makes me an awful person but I can’t help it.

I used to tell myself that one day, one day I’d be able to move far away, I guess that’s how I got through. But even though I’m 19 now, I’m still scared of him (still live at home).

And the reason I’m writing all this now, is because lately I’ve been having nightmares about all this, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like if there’s even one more episode of him getting angry I will seriously fall apart.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I break with my family? Can I even do that?

Thanks so much for reading this

No one should feel trapped in an abusive situation.

You could look up the numbers for a couple of battered women's shelters. They understand emotional abuse, and are experienced helping women find the resources (both practical and emotional) they need to get out of the abusive situation.

You might also find help at an Al Anon meeting which is for the family members of alcoholics.

hi
your home situation seems horrendous.
not your fault but your fathers who is not offering you any support or understanding but making your life miserable.
i agree with the above re look into getting into a shelter or have you any relative who could help you out temporarily.
you seem to be an intelligent, insightful individual and you deserve better than that treatment.

do take care.

Does your mom live with you? Do your siblings understand what it feels like to be yelled at by your father? If so, they can help. If not, maybe you can try to find the police or find a shelter like they said.

I grew up in an abusive/alcoholic situation myself - I broke with my family more than 20 years ago and have never regretted it for an instant. I honestly don't know/care whether my "parents" are actually alive or dead - they've been "dead" to me for many years.

Obviously, everyone's situation is different and no one can make this decision for you, but I just wanted to share my experience...

Good luck