Life is a long bad movie.

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Anyone else feel like life is a bad melodramatic movie that you don't have the option of turning off? (unless you want to take your chances in Hell.)

I can't recall one moment in my life when I was happy. Sure, plenty of times I "wasn't miserable" and better than usual...but I can't remember a time where I thought "wow it's great to be alive."

I also feel like if I weren't on disability and didn't have understanding parents and were forced to work in the real world, I would have flipped out Samuel L. Jackson style by now.

Sometimes i feel something like that. (24 hours ago for example...)

I wonder if your current depression hasn't colored your memory and made it so you can't remember being happy. You must have been happy at some point to understand this as be in misery. I mean yeah, pain is pain, but there's a difference between being physically tortured and being depressed. Not that depression is any lesser. But it's the kind of thing you have to have known something other to realize it's pain.

What things make you happy that you can do right now, that are reliable things. (Orin the morning. whatever.) That's how you start digging yourself out of misery and overwhelm. Doing things you can reliably enjoy, that aren't subject to external whims. That you control more or less. What would these be? Eating certain foods? Certain kinds of sports? Going to a certain place like a park or store? Seeing a movie or watching a show? Organizing a collection? That is a solid first step I have found.

The shows I watch just have attractive women that I start to obsess over, which brings the AS into focus.

Yes that is pretty close to how I feel...and I do not remember any times in the past where I actually felt happy...other than certain drug experiances but that is not happiness that is euphoria. I imagine there is some difference. I am not on disability so I cannot quite relate to that.....I am going to college and currently living on the loans/grants. But yeah my mental state is not very pleasent at for the most part.

I'm on "want to die" level more often than not, even with meds. I'm just too much of a wimp to end it myself.

I do not enjoy when I get to that level, it happens quite a bit...music and cannabis helps, but even that does not always work as well as I would like it to. but it's better than nothing....maybe I should be in cognative therapy or whatever, but that does not work for me so I just have to find other ways to deal with how I feel.

Maybe it's time to start seeing AS in a more positive light. Obsessiveness is what leads to expertise and greatness in pursuits. It allows you to feel strong feelings doing things that most people would find mundane and "ehhh, okay." Also FYI it's pretty universal AS or not to obsess over attractive people of one's desired gender(s). Maybe the degree of obsession in AS is greater but. That's not bad. You're not deficient or a weirdo for having Asperger's any more than an NT is deficient for not having it. Everyone has traits of both neurologies, it's the combination that makes the world go round. ASD genes contribute innovation and NT genes contribute sociality if genes must be split cleanly between the two which I don't know is possible. People have more in common than not regardless of neurology.

Anyway yes I am an "AS is a gift"-er because I am a "neurology is a gift"-er. I think any consciousness is a priceless treasure that is not to be wasted or disdained.

Also it seems like attractive women make you think of... attractive women. Would be the case for me. That in itself is painful if it's something you don't know how to "obtain" for lack of a better world. Get in your life. I guess maybe you should startsmall and look for ONE woman you find attractive who you can connect with. And by doing that in small steps. Identifying where you might meet these people with traits you find attractive, etc. It seems like a task way too daunting but it's not, everything occurs in tiny segments moment by moment.

There's my inspirational speech for the day. May not have done its job but it worked on myself a bit anyway.

i think ted turner [ironically] said it best- "life is like a b-grade movie, in that while you wouldn't leave before the end of it, neither again would you wish to see it again."

at best i'm at a 5/6 in my usual mood...highest i've ever been in my life is maybe a 7...usually at a 5...but can go to 0 out of nowhere.

i guess i just have to make the best out of the situation since i'm not going to end it myself, and just make sure to stay stable and at that 5/6 level. the meds should be doing that but they aren't. (i'm scheduling an appointment with my psychiatrist)...also scheduling an appointment with a therapist.

i don't think you're supposed to be "happy" anyway...just not flat-out miserable or manic the way i am.

Out of interest though how can you know the best you've experienced is a 7 if you've never experienced a 10? If 10 = "the best?"

Or do you just see other people acting really happy and feel like you've never experienced that level of happiness?

Or do you feel the capacity to be at a 10 but never experienced it, the way you could imagine the capacity to ride a unicycle but not be able to do it?

Well it is good you feel you won't end it yourself that is always helpful...Also if therapy helps and if you have a psychiatrist to scedule an appointment with and feel that would help go for it. I personally cannot trust that I would not be able to end it if I got to that point.....therapy has mostly failed for me but the main thing is trying to keep some control over how you feel which a therapist could help with...it is definatly supposed to help and does for a lot of people.

ha, I like that.
Here's another quote, one I like to remember when I'm feeling like crap:
"The human condition is inherently unstable, therefore one should not overly despair in times of adversity nor overly rejoice in times of success"
-Socrates

I just want to avoid the extreme lows. If I could feel like I did today 90 percent of the time, I'd be fine. At the moment, I'm not "happy" but I had a productive day...worked out with my dad, watched sports, watched a movie, wasn't having obsessive thoughts or "I want to die" thoughts.

There's no reason I should be having the "I want to die" thoughts anyway. The things that would make me feel that way (douches in public/douche co workers and the like) I completely avoid by being unemployed and a homebody. While you can still be stressed out anyway for other reasons, there's really no reason for me to feel suicidal.

I liked auntblabby's reply +1.

When I was really down and out I have a few favorite movies I like to watch. Movies where people never give up, life has meaning for them and they struggle to survive at all costs. I don't know if any of these films might help you but here's a list of my favorites:

The Terminator- I've seen this film at least 200 times.
Terminator 2-I've seen this film at least 100 times.
The Quiet Earth- I've seen this film at least 200 times.
Aliens-I've seen this film at least 75 times.
Logan's Run- I've seen this film at least 50 times.
Rocky (1)- I've seen this film at least 20 times.
The Lover-I've seen this film at least 20 times.
Casablanca-I've seen this film at least 10 times.

Everyone has their favorites. Good luck!

The problem is this:, unless you can create a more meaningful life for yourself at home, then you're not really doing anything but existing and waiting for the end of your life. That in itself is a reason for feeling depressed: meaninglessness.

Maybe you could look at creating a business you can do from home, or finding some interest that you could pursue? You can do school over the internet now.

Also, I think maybe you could use some socialisation... perhaps there is a reasonably friendly group somewhere you could learn to co-exist with.

Basically, I believe you need to experiment and try things out, but are afraid of being hurt or failing. But wouldn't it be a worse failure to not attempt to do something really worthwhile with your life?



I might have asked before, but are you on a medication for OCD?

On September 30, 1859, Abraham Lincoln included a similar story in an address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society in Milwaukee:

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"