It's Like Theyr'e All Dead

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I am feeling really bummed about my family. It's bad enough that I can't make and keep friends in real life, but I am grieving for the loss of the family I always wanted. I have gone through thoughts like this before, and sometimes resolved not to contact family for support/validation anymore. But now I am realizing that in order for me to be really accepting of myself and life the way it really is, I need to cut ties with family once and for all. For the past 25 years or so, I have gone through frustration and resentment when my siblings couldn't or wouldn't give me the companionship I craved or include me in their lives. And yet I kept crawling back for more pain. I would invite myself over for holidays, knowing that they wouldn't have invited me if it was up to them. I used to send letters and gifts in the mail but it was rarely reciprocated.

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my sister and brother moved her to our state, and about an hour away from me. THEY NEVER TOLD ME. When I found out she was living down here, I called and asked if one of them could pick me up and take me to see her. It took months before my brother finally did. I got to see her on Christmas, and once more on her deathbed.
When my niece was in the hospital, right in the town where I live, nobody told me. I would have loved to see her. These are just a few examples of a recurring theme in my family. One of their favorite things to do, is not return phone calls or email messages. Or return them, weeks or months later.

I guess I am grieving right now for the death of a dream. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this treatment. When I got engaged for the first time in my life, I felt it was my duty to notify all family members. My sister volunteered to bake the wedding cake. She also offered to host a reception at her house, since my fiance and I aren't planning a fancy wedding. But whenever I call her to discuss plans, I am getting the distant treatment again. I see her post things on FB but she won't answer my messages or phone calls. I can't plan a reception like this!

So the upshot is that we have decided not to have a reception. And why should I even try to include them at a special time like this? When I am such a low priority with them that I was the last to know when my own mother was dying? When am I going to wake up? I am really bummed, but feel that the sooner I jettison them out of my life for good, the more energy I will have to spend with my beloved.

hartzofspace, when I saw the subject line I thought, or guessed, that you'd be talking about family. I'm sorry to hear this, and I understand (almost completely) because I have a very strange relationship with my family. What is good & great! is that you are engaged, that is wonderful. Congratulations to you and your betrothed. I agree that having your family at your wedding reception might be emotionally dangerous possibly disastrous. As you said your energy - especially right now, is for you and your love to celebrate and no one is really allowed to mess with that. period. imho don't let grieving for your family of origin hurt your wedding plans, you deserve happiness flowing towards you and your love.

(((((hugs))))

i have similar issues with my family too. we even tried family therapy, but it didn't create the miraculously bonded family i had hoped for. i don't have any advice because i am essentially in the same boat. just wanted you to know i sympathise.

(((((((((hug))))))))))))

I am sorry you are going through this. I am considering moving away from a friendship for similar reasons you speak of. Im tired of years of feeling second best. Anyway I think life is much happier and healthier when quality relationships get all the focus and attention they deserve.

This is an opportunity to look to the future and start your own Legacy - one based on family as a unit of parts, instead of scattered pieces with the same last name. May your grand-children bless you abundantly for it.

Just wondering... U have any clue why they do this cuz if you knew maybe you could talk to them about it.

I have spent most of my life wondering why they do it. I am tired of wondering. What I realize now, is if even if I knew why they behaved the way they do, it wouldn't hurt any less. I have spent many holidays feeling suicidal as I watch other families get together and celebrate, while mine ignores me. The weird thing is when they do bother to to talk to me, they always behave as if nothing happened. If I ask why it took a month or more to return a phone call, I get an elaborate excuse each time. But never an apology or an acknowledgment of the pain they caused. I also realize that we are all fully grown, and they are not likely to change. It's up to me to change. But it hurts. The siblings that live in the nearby town, were practically raised by me. When they were babies I changed their diapers and fed them and played with them, because I was their older sister. Now I am somebody to ignore. The funny thing is, that if a friend treated me this way, I would have soon dropped them from my life. But I have let this go on for a very long time, hoping things would change.

This happens to me to. I am invited but don't feel its for the right reasons though. I think its best though. I always have the feeling they are up to no good with me. I hope the best for you.