....what am I doing? What have I done with my life so far? Where is my life?
I am at home in my boxers, on my laptop. My room is really messy.
Where is my life, where are all of my friends, where is my sweetheart? Never had that, any of that. All I have had is loneliness
How do I get going, when do I go? No clue.
I know the safe thing to do, is to apply to transfer at another school so I can finish up school since I dropped out. The stupid thing to do is not. What do I really want to do, what is best for me? I have no clue.
Where am I going to be happy? I am not sure there is a place that will make me happy.
When I was younger I believed whatever bs everybody told me that things get better. My dad told me this, other people as well, and just general naivety on my part. I was always a bit depressed though and a lonely soul.
I never fit in anywhere, ever. Even the kids who never fit in, ironically still fit in with each other, and I didn't fit in. Nothing ever made sense. I was always the quiet kid who never talked to anyone. And when I did step outside and try to talk to people, it always backfired from me saying the wrong thing, and then I would clam up even more.
I thought living away at college would change me and start my new life. What an illusion. I started out with alot less inhibition than I did in HS, and then ended up clamming back up again. I just wasn't there as an 18yr old. I just wasn't ready to move away, to experience new things, I just wasn't at the mental capacity that my peers were. For a brief period I tried new things, but I fell back inside, I just wasn't comfortable being me. I was lying to myself.
I wish I could say that fumbled, and moved back home like any other college student with depression would have. Instead I tried to stick it out, and it made it even worse. I almost finished, maybe a year left, and then I dropped out. I was tired of not being into school, and bs-ing schoolwork.
I was tired of always being out of it, never finding my niche and always being alone. Nothing made/makes sense.
And of course worst was the V-bomb, and I ain't talking being a vegetarian. I never quite figured it out. But there are alot of aspects of life that weave together and are necessary for things to happen. Making friends and have quality friendship, and finding a place in school are pretty important I think in fostering success to the next "level" growing up. None of that "happened" in my life. I know that people will tell you to work and "earn" everything in life, and that nothing is free. I don't think that is true, certain aspects of life do come naturally. You don't have to work hard to grow taller.
You don't have work hard and constantly keep pushing yourself to mature, and to become sexually attractive past physical looks. If you do, then you have serious serious issues like I do. If you do, then you are trying to "change" your personality. You should just be able to be who you are, but be the better version. Maturation should be a natural process for the most part.
Most NT guys it seems naturally matured and progressed, and went through the motions. I am not saying that they didn't have problems or setbacks or everything was easy for them. I am not saying that the majority of those guys didn't work hard or don't continue to have issues. Everybody has problems. Fact. I know.
All I am saying is that alot behind the scenes progressed as it should just because. 95% of guys won't even realize this, because they aren't deficient in those key areas. I notice of course, because everything is missing in my life.
Most of society won't know either. Won't know what someone like me is facing, feeling, and even If I can explain it in words for someone to understand, THEY still WON'T understand in the least. That is why they won't have any real advice except dumb bs that you would have heard 1000 times before. Most therapists won't understand either. Most people can comprehend, but they cant empathize.
I look at college guys my age and younger, and see the glow in them. The carefree attitude red-blooded American guy. I have tried making friends with some of them, but we are just different. For them these are the best years of their lives just having fun. I see that, and I want it so much, to be where they are.
For me, these are the darkest worst years of my life. I could list off all of the wikipedia terms that describe me, but that isn't necessary right now.
I know people will tell me to not "give up" and to keep at it. I'm not going to give up. The whole point of this post, is to say that nothing is working for me in my life, I haven't found polarity in anything, I haven't gotten my bearings straight in any way, and I have failed my teenage years and am failing my young adult years in every possible category. I need to go a different route steer a different ship on a different ocean in a different continent speaking a different language. Yes maybe I need to "give up" whatever is me, because it hasn't been working for me, and give it all to something else.
27 Aug 2011, 5:31 pm
