Confused about some aspects of my behavior

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I'm a bit confused here, about some aspects of my behavior. I'm not even sure if those things are related to Aspergers, or maybe something else that functions on top of that...

I was always wondering why I would start imitating other people's laughs or specific sentences, until I realized I created this mechanism, probably as a child, to blend in society better. I grew up at a special school for kids with some behavior problems, and after school I always went to some other place, with basically the same goal. But it basically meant I was always in groups of kids with diverse problems, from aggression, sexual disorders, to very strong forms of autism (like kids that never talk, or behave really strange in my eyes).

To sustain myself, and not get bullied (bullied in that place was exactly the same as being beaten up every single day), I think I created these survival mechanisms. It worked really well, I always made sure the most aggressive guys were my best friends, and I was somehow (I'm not a fighter at all) always high on the social hierarchy, while almost never fighting (damn scars!). Mostly achieved by blending in, taking over their way of speaking and stuff.

Now it sounds like I'm some social mastermind, but I'm not. I always kept a serious distance with those 'friends' and my own realm. They never knew who I really was. Still today whenever someone proposes to visit me at my place, I feel like I'm being intruded, found out, uncovered, attacked, or whatever, while when I think rationally, I have absolutely nothing to hide here. I just need a lot of space and time on my own, I neglect contacts that I don't see on a daily routine, I'm unable to get a relationship, and at the moment I think I have no more friends left either. But small talk goes well, even though I hate it.

So... Does it ever occur that aspies create a wall around them, so they look pretty normal on the outside? Or would that never be possible? I must admit that the older I get (30 now) the harder it becomes to seem 'normal'. As a kid it might be a lot easier. But I still hate the idea of having people 'discover' who I really am. Sounds ret*d...

I know this feeling all too well. Seems like everyone I know is on the other side of some invisible barrier. I do a great job of making myself seem normal just so at best they think I'm weird, at worst they're upset that I neglect the relationship. I always think to myself that life would be so easy if I could just stay home all the time.

Seems like this great conundrum that I always feel lonely yet at the same time it's completely awkward when I'm around even my "close" friends.



All these issues seem like byproducts of Asperger's, especially mimicking other people. It's like the Aspie brain doesn't know which behaviors are appropriate so it tries to grab on to the most logical behavior it can see in others.

Thanks for your reply, I thought maybe I had some sort of heavy narcissism issue, as they usually also tend to adjust their behavior to be regarded as perfect (can't come up with the exact definition atm), but I also realized a true narcist would probably find it really hard to even think of him/herself as being troubled...

I recognize this. I think the solution might be to get to be with someone, that is really close to you, like a partner. One that also understands your behavior. Then you can be 'alone' in the vicinity of this partner, thus not feeling lonely. For example maybe you can remember when you lived with the parents still, you could be alone, but you always knew you were not completely alone. Felt really warm somehow. But when you live all alone, it really gets lonely...

You're totally right about having a partner. I've been with someone for almost 8 years now and I think he's an Aspie too so we share alot of the same issues. We were actually just talking about how we can be with each other and feel "Alone" - Not the sad kind of alone but just content. I've only been able to have that kind of content feeling with a small handful of people - mostly other outcasts or oddballs.