11 Sep 2011, 2:26 pm
Hi all.
I went out for a dinner/show with my mum, dad and sister. It was an enjoyable evening for the most part.
However, I sometimes have trouble with my dad and sister. My dad is overbearing sometimes. He is not a bad person - just gets a little pushy. I had trouble figuring out something on the bill (it was split between my sister and I). My sister had gone to the washroom and I was trying to figure out taxes, included gratuity, use of vouchers, etc (it was a confusing bill). My dad attempted to explain it to me, but it still didn't make sense. I questioned the inclusion of tax when I had thought it had already been included in our voucher (etc. etc.). My dad started getting irritated with me and raising his voice.
I have tried various techniques to disengage from discussion when my dad starts doing this. I asked him to lower his voice. I know that I was speaking in a neutral tone and volume. My dad actually said (loudly), "No. YOU lower your voice." It was at this time that I realize that my dad probably had a couple of drinks too many and was winding up. My natural response would be to wind up too, but I tried something new. I said, quietly and neutral tone, "Dad, don't worry about it. I'll work it out with my sister." He started to try to explain the bill again and I could see his movements as he was pointing to items getting rigid and tense (I have learned that this is a precursor to increased anger and irritability on his part). I said again, as in a neutral voice - "This bill is for my sister and I, we will work it out ourselves, thank you." and made a motion with my arm to separate my bill from him. My dad got irritated, rolled his eyes, snorted and exclaimed, "Whatever!" really loudly. I know that he was trying to make me look bad. He had some other friends with him and I guess he can't take termination of an issue gracefully and move on without getting the last word in. I let him have his precious last word and ignored him until my sister returned.
She too had trouble figuring out the bill (keep in mind, both my sister and I are college educated and work in professional capacities and are able to handle all of our household expenses, bills, accounts, etc). We paid our share of the bill and left.
I feel good in that I was able to disengage from further heated discussion/argument with my dad, but I feel crummy because he ALWAYS tries to make me look bad. Family friends are looking on and they are (wisely) staying out of it. However, I can't help but think that people watching are thinking, "it's all her fault." When I discussed the situation with my sister after we parted ways with the rest of the party - her attitude was also one of blame. "when you made a motion with your arm to separate him and your papers, this would have made him angrier." I don't know what would have satisfied everyone, either sit there and take his abuse and rage or ???? I don't know anymore.
It continues with my sister, but on another topic....
A milestone birthday is coming up for my mum. My sister wanted to discuss what to do for this milestone. She was suggesting a trip (cruise, resort or ???). The problem is ... my sister and her husband make significantly more than my husband and I. She has two children who are older and both NT ( ergo - no daycare expenses or other associated expenses related to therapies and such). My husband and I have two children, both needing daycare/outofschoolcare and my son is ASD. Again - we earn much less than they and have much less in the way of assets. We cannot afford the kind of "party" that my sister has in mind.
I will need to be able to stand firm to my sister and my dad. I will have to make it clear what kind of budget I can work with. I certainly don't want to "cheap out" on my mum. I want them to consider a dinner/show or some sort of daytrip nearby (e.g. river rafting, hot air ballooning, spa visit, etc). The thing is - this kind of event is special to me, to my sister - this might seem more pedestrian.
Anyways, I may not be completely Aspie or anything else - but I definately have some traits - reading people and having natural social skills and graces does not come naturally to me. When I get into situations where there is less structure (i.e. dealing with my own family with all of its baggage), I feel like I'm an total alien. 
