I feel numb.

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Ok so it has been getting to me how messed up society is.....I have probably already talked enough about that in multiple threads, how I don't seem to have any chance making it anywhere and that even if I could I might not want to at least not by the means this society would approve of. But yeah I was feeling really depressed and getting anxious more just from all the stress of everything not to mention I am sort of freaking out about this whole college thing.....I am hardly in the same mindset I was in when I was 18 and agreed to go to college and I don't know how I will be able to pay the loans back, jobs are certianly not plentiful so I have been continuing in college as a means of income, to get educated I don't really know what for, I am not a very career minded individual at all...partially because of how disturbed I am by society.

But now i just feel numb, like this is the reality there is not much I can do about it.....so I might as well just accept it. I don't expect to feel as numb as I do indefinitley chances are there will be another worsened depressive state next, but yeah for the moment I am just numb I have been dealing with too much internal and external things that I had some sort of overload of emotions and now I don't feel anything.

I feel like I don't really care what happens, and I have no idea what to even do with myself or if there is any place I would even fit.

I remember you saying you're interested in psychology... would you maybe want to work toward that as a career? My own therapist was saying she could never enjoy working in a non-self-directed job so it's pretty autonomous and not anything you have to sell yourself into, just complete the education for.

I am really sorry you have experienced such crisis and that it's led to your current numbness.

Any chance you will go to the student health center to see a therapist there? Or have you done that?

Not specifically, I mean yes I am intrested in it but I don't know what sort of career I would get out of it......like i said I cannot define my life by a career. I have seen therapists in the past and as far as I can tell they cannot help me.

Hmm. Well you wouldn't have to define your life by the career, just aim to have one so you could do other things you enjoyed... social work involves psychological expertise and there are all kinds of that, some more informal like working at a homeless shelter for pregnant teenagers, etc.

As for therapists not helping... not until I started seeing the one I'm seeing now did I start to improve. Also medicine was pretty crucial in this equation for me. I know you're not enthusiastic at all about the idea of taking antidepressants or other such medicine though.

Well maybe I will run into something of intrest, I don't know I am keeping my options open though untill I figure out some sort of plan as to what to do...I just reallly don't know where to go from here if that makes any sense. I can't seem to decide on something and stick with it I really don't even know what I want in life. There are things I enjoy but none of them really provide any emotional support I kinda learned how to survive without it but surviving is not really the same as living.

Also, I just don't see what they could help me with, I mean I have tried ever since I was 15 and every time i have stopped going because it was not getting me anywhere, just gave me a place to vent about everything running through my mind but still not coming to any conclusions. I mean I was doing better at the age of 15 after my suicide attempt because they told me it would get better and I wanted to believe it so I did......and well if anything it has gotten worse. I just don't think therapists can really help with such deep issues.

Is there any way you can ask to be referred to a PTSD specialist? From other things you've said it seems like that's a tough issue you're trying to deal with... not just any therapist would do in that case.

Keeping your options open sounds good... just getting any kind of undergraduate degree is good and then if you want to specialize in something specific you could get further education to meet career requirements for that... but anyway yes it sounds like your depression/numbness is of highest priority to address at the moment.

Well until the end of the semester passing my classes is the highest priority. Not only am I concerned that therapy just does not help me I mean most counselers focus on ones thoughts but my depression and such does not usually come from what I am thinking about its just how I feel. So yeah at this point I just feel it would be a waste of money it's pretty expensive and I am not getting as much as I thought I would in financial aid and loans this semester so its really not a cost I can afford. But also I am concerned about help being too invasive, I mean I like to have my space I don't like to have people trying to regulate every aspect of my life.

Gotcha. Yes I was 0% willing to discuss personal issues until quite recently with anybody let alone complete paid strangers. I see the logic of the passing classes/staying financially "good" motives... all I can think of to say is what I've said about medicine (for depression/anxiety/etc), that sometimes that's the only thing that can help.

Well after my experiance with prozac I learned it can also make things even worse...and main thing is i cannot afford to pay back the loans and staying in college is one way to keep from having to pay it back...but then of course the longer you are in college the more you end up oweing and well its a disaster.

I seriously think it would help you to go to the student health center and explain your issues and that Prozac didn't work for you but that you are experiencing this numb feeling and feeling this bad.

The prozac thing happened like a year ago in a different state, I doubt they would really care...and I don't know that I could afford an appointment even there and I do not think they are able to do psychological assesments or anything that would really help me anyways. And as far as I know they have no counseling not that it would really help to begin with considering it has no effect.

I seem to still be able to do my college stuff for now, though I have lost most of the motivation...so I am not sure how well I will do. and I have no idea if I can even find a job so I am kind of screwed.....maybe it is better I feel numb.

All these issues that get in the way of people getting the health care they need makes me want to start a major campaign of some sort to make good-quality health care available for all.

Sweetleaf please please at least go to the center and ask what they can do for you. Maybe they can refer you to an affiliate college/university that has free counseling. Better to try than to not. Also if you tell a psychiatrist a certain medicine didn't work in my experience they believe you and rule it off their list of medicines for you to try.

Counseling does not do anything for me...as it really does not adress deeper issues, all counseling is really for is to help someone feel better about themself it does not really treat actual severe issues. And I don't want to try other medications they would prescribe because I don't want another bad reaction....I would prefer not to increase my risk of suicide. and of course psychiatrists are expensive. I guess all I can really do is keep going to college and try and find work and crap, not that it will work out but what other options are there really?

Counseling does help. No matter what there is a strong effect of having someone there in person listening to what you say and having the will to understand you and help you. Due to humans' essential need to feel understand and not feel alone. Not having someone to talk to in person like this increases the feeling of disconnection and the primal feeling that no one is with you and there to rescue you should something occur. I think that emotions get processed by the same processing centers in a person's brain that physical sensations do and so people get some or even much of the same benefit lowering-panic-and-despair-wise of having someone there when there in emotional distress as they do when they're in physical distress and need someone to pick grab onto them and pull them out of a hole or shield them from something that's out to get them. They can lessen your worry and pain and only when that's at manageable levels can you successfully apply strategies to dissolve your actual sources of stress. But again it can only happen when you trust the counselor and if you have naturally low tendency to trust other people this is helped by taking an antidepressant that works and yeah that might take a few tries to find.

So sorry that was a long paragraph but basically as I see it the necessary steps are the following

1. Trying medicine. Don't try anything with a significant risk of suicidal thoughts as a side effect. Tell the psychiatrist your concerns.
2. Seeing a counselor.

I wish I had something else to say but it seems like those are what is necessary.

I know you are just trying to be helpful...but I kinda feel better off not bothering with any of that anymore.

Oh dear

Well

I know the feeling

I just hope you find a way out of it.

I do remember reading that biofeedback is good for PTSD or any kind of anxiety. Consciously regulating physiological reactions to change them to "calm" ones can affect one's feelings and thoughts and make them calmer and safer-feeling also. Monitoring how you are breathing and whether you are tense and doing destressing exercises.