life keeps going downhill....

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...I have always been a lonely depressed guy. I can remember back to when I was a kid, I never remember feeling happy. I was always quiet, and whenever I tried to break that and expand, the other kids hated me, so I learned to stay quiet.

When I was 11, I had my first crush on this girl. To make things worse, she was in every one of my classes the whole year. I never could talk to her or say anything. I just couldn't. It was a terrible feeling.

...The rest of middle and all of high school, I was just a loner who had no friends and walked around by myself at lunchtime, because I had nowhere to go. I cared too much about what other people thought of me. There was just too much going on and I had no idea where I stood in the midst of it all. I felt really down about this inside, but I still didn't really have the same concept of "self-esteem" that my peers did. I didn't fit in anywhere. I just didn't mature as the other teenagers my age did. I can't really explain it. I missed out on everything......really everything..........it feels so f*****g sad to say this but I really mean everything. I could have done so much better in school...........

I then moved away to college. College as the "next step" being iterated from my parents, high school teachers, media. I thought that I would mature and change and be a different person and really come out of my shell. I thought it would be my time to shine and flourish. I was wrong. I tried to come out of my shell, but some weird things started happening, I started caving in to some peer pressure and started drinking and smoking weed, going against my straight-edge high school ways. How much this affected/hurt me I don't know. I really wish I would have just been honest with myself, I am a nerd/dork/different person. I am not nor have ever been anything ever resembling the average red-blooded American frat guy. If that isn't you, there really is no excuse for not getting good grades, and making friends with the right people. I dropped out a few years later. It was a complete waste of time socially, developmentally, academically.

I ended up just ended up on my computer 24/7, which now, has taken over my life. Now I have zero friends no girls past or present. All I f*****g wanted was just to have a sweethart. And Yes I did have that chance numerous times, but I got scared. I just didn't have the experience from high school, and all of the sudden I am 19 and in a class and this quiet skinny girl is sending big messages to me. I just didn't know how to react it just hit me, so I just faded back into obscurity. That time and several other occasions I could have gotten a girlfriend, but much of the same transpired, and now I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reall really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really f*****g regret it. I don't know what they were thinking, but I think they are were lonely girls, and maybe part of the reason I was scared was that maybe they were just too needy. I couldn't be what they needed, I just didn't have that confidence. This makes sense now, but back then all I felt was that scared feeling hitting me in the head and paralyzing me.

Worked a couple jobs after that last semester. And that is it....that is all I have done in the past 3 years. No girls, only a couple friends(who aren't friends anymore). Now what do I have to show for it.

My whole life I have just been chronically depressed and lonely as f**k. Like I said earlier in High School it felt awful, but I did what I could to try to think of a better future. My parents told me things would get better.

I just have never been honest with myself. How could I? I have to do so much escaping and imaginative day-dreaming just to not constantly think about my wretched depressed lonely existence every f*****g day. Y'all don't know how many f*****g days weekends, months, years. It just feels so unreal.

But now it has all caught up with me. Every cringing memory of my past, every lonely night. My life just feels like a nightmare now, as in I just can't believe how unreal it is. It feels so f*****g strange, and I don't have anyone to confide in. No health insurance to pay for therapists/counseling or doctor visits.

There isnt any amount of alcohol that could make me forget for 1 night how much of a waste my entire life has been, how many years even though I am still young, have waste, opportunities missed.

I have zero polarity in every regard. Nothing and I can't under-exaggerate enough how nothing in my life makes/feels sense. Nothing feels natural. Nothing I do feels natural. My life feels like a sham. I am still not "there" yet in the least sense.

The absolute worse growing up and even worse now is that I don't talk to my parents. They say they care about me, but its obvious they never had a f*****g clue who I am and what i have felt. I realize that sounds somewhat normal and alot of young adults/teenagers say that about their parents. I beleive they hadn't the slightest clue in the same universe what exactly the hell i have felt. It is just frustrating beyond belief trying to talk to them about my "feelings". Not only is it not "acceptable" behavior for a guy to talk about his "feelings", but whenever I tried saying i was feeling down, they ask 'why" as they have absolutely no clue in the entire f*****g world. it just doesnt make any sense how completely far apart emotionally we are.

Anyways i have been thinking about suicide alot lately. I know ultimately that 99% chance I won't ever be able to do it, but my life really feels f*****g grim beyond a thousand metaphors.

I constantly feel paranoid as f**k. It feels like someone is always watching me, always judging me.

Nothing ever got better for me, nothing progressed naturally for me like you hear people say. i just didn't get there. If i could flip a switch and reset my life completely or become someone else, i would do it in an instant no hesitation.

How the f**k do i make friends? How do I get a girl? I haven't a f*****g clue. All i know is stupid "NT" like behavior that i have tried my whole life to mold myself into doing. But really, it doesn't work. Being over the age of 21, now I have be this "mature" man, not a boy to attract someone. Its obvious how far away from that I am

I could scream and shout a million times that i just don't know.........I just dont know nothing makes sense. I have tried getting help, and it hasnt worked. It was a waste of money. I can't afford to keep wasting money

It is just the most cringing f*****g awful f*****g nightmarish feeling inside of me that I am a million miles away from where I want to be, and a million miles away from who I really am. I cannot explain it in words.

It feels very scary. There are probably alot of wikipedia /dsm terms that would describe me, but I think that is besides the point

What are your interests? Do you have any hobbies for which "childishness" and "immaturity" are positive attributes? such as creative writing, poetry, visual arts, music, breakdancing, etc. etc. ?
If not, maybe you should pick something.
Practicing my hobby is the only thing that ever game me real happiness and kept me sane.
Plus it gives you access to friends with similar interests who have a reason to talk to you.

What I said must sound really obvious,
but I say it anyway cuz it's true in my experience.

playing guitar and computer music stuff, and mountain biking are my only real hobbies. Other than that.....

Have you thought about searching/posting craigslist or networking sites to meet with local guitarists? bikers? etc.
(I mostly used the college clubs for that purpose, so I'm not too familiar with the online protocol.)

I have constantly looked online to find drummers and people to collab with and start a band. most people are flakes or they already are tied up in another band. Seems like musicians network and know each other and its like f**k.....one more club I am not a part of.

You might try meetup.com. I don't know where you are in the world, but if you're somewhere were someone could ride a bike to grab a Coke and a slice of pizza, you can probably find a group of riders approximately in your vicinity.

Not much in my area, but there are a few groups that i joined.

it is sunday night, where can i go to meet people? Everything I think of sounds like a long-shot because ultimately i am going to go by myself, and that is a tough deficit to catch up.

Bars/clubs?.........I need alot of energy to attempt that, and kind of drunk too. Too much people too much lights the atmosphere is too much.

walk around by myself until i find a party?.........