Rant. Rant. Rant.

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So. Not really sure where to post this, but I guess the Haven seems fine.

I have tried to avoid posting things I am ashamed of, but have just decided to give up. All these stupid paranoias about people finding me on here need to stop. It will make me insane otherwise... But that is besides the point.

So I have been bulimic for most of my life. Since I was about 14 and started going through a rough patch up until a year ago. I had always been really skinny, and was terrified of gaining some weight. So obviously, I started getting really anxious about this, and this anxiousness turned into binge eating, and this turned in to weight gain, and this turned into Bulimia. And it just became a vicious cycle. I would gain weight, do crazy extreme diets, murder my metabolism, lose a few pounds and then gain them all back. After a while I gained like 40 / 50 pounds like this. But eventually I just became OK with it. And as I stopped worrying about my weight, and my life in general, it slowly went away.

But now its back. I have been eating like a raging lunatic for the last couple of weeks. And throwing up again, and binge drinking as well. And doing all types of stupid things. Part of it is because I want to lose weight, but mainly just because my head is a disaster and I know of no other ways to cope.

Hmmm. I am not really sure why am writing this, I don't think its because I need help. I know what I need to do. Stop obsessing about negative things, and just try and focus and positive ones. The only way to get out of this rut, is to just get out of it. But it is easier said than done.

But I just needed to get this out. I feel writing things out helps me think, so I just needed to do this.

Anyone else been through these types of eating / self image / obsessive problems?? I feel that my OCD + eating disorders + horrid self esteem just build on each other and make life so much more difficult than it should be. I honestly have a good life, and nothing I should be complaining about. But my head is a terrible negative mess and is getting in the way.

Well sorry for the long rant, it is all I ever do anymore, and peace out.

Last edited by sagan on 08 Sep 2011, 1:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well you know I have the OCD, and yes, I totally relate.
Whenever I become too stressed and upset by things, usually by obsessively dwelling on negative things, I tend to turn to drink, or more commonly, trying to control my weight, to cope.

I have slipped back into eating issues myself recently. I do not binge, but tend to feel guilty if I eat normal amounts and make myself sick afterwards currently. I managed to stop the drinking (I was on 1-2 bottles an evening for some months), but now the eating issues have taken its place.

I do not know an answer really, as I am still looking for one myself.
My sense of myself, both physically, and personality wise, is appalling. I seem to lack most of a sense of self worth.
Can only suggest what others have suggested to me which is therapy, or working intensely alone on your self esteem and on the reasons behind the way you are. Also, focussing on interests, if you have any. I escape into Second Life myself.

Exactly the same here. Eating issues are now replacing drinking ones... I have no clue which is worse...
But whatever, feeling slightly better today...
Thanks Graelwyn.

Hey sagan:

I actually had a similar paranoia about posting on here; took me awhile to post things I was ashamed of.

My own dreadful ways of coping with stressors has been alcohol, painkillers, and self-harm. Stopped the painkillers, hope I’m done self-harming, but alcohol is my poor way of self-medicating.

And you’re absolutely right about:

“I know what I need to do. Stop obsessing about negative things, and just try and focus and positive ones. The only way to get out of this rut, is to just get out of it. But it is easier said than done.”

Recognizing the problem and seeing a solution are at least steps in the correct direction!

Hope you start to feel better soon! [Oh, glad you were feeling slightly better today!]

--David

I find that my obsessions help keep my mind preoccupied. But if Im really upset about something, I may be consciously occupied with another task but I am unconsciously thinking about it because I still feel like * and I can sense something eating at my nerves. So I'm beginning to sense that my conscious doesn't matter. Just because I stash away something that made me feel bad doesn't mean it's not an issue, and so I confront everything that bothers me when it comes up and I feel fifty lbs of stress removed off of my shoulders since approaching life like this. To not confront it will just let it build up, and before long, your mental and physical health is both at jeopardy.

I don't know where you live(city or country) but it helps to unwind the mind by visiting the great outdoors. Staring off at the mountains, the ocean, or the sky at night makes my mind a blank slate, and though my mind can still race reviewing something like an incident at school or work, the layers of stress are removed and is very therapeutic. Plus it's a chance to get some fresh air (or in my case, ciggerate smoke + fresh air), and get away from people as well.

a whirlpool or floating atop an infinity edge pool helps the process along even better. Or you could always go on a jog. Good luck!

Glad you are over the painkillers, those can be nasty little guys. Me too, I think I am over the drugs. Its just the food and the alcohol that still get me now and then. Baby steps...

Thanks dear! Yep, I think I will be ok, just need to formulate a plan.



I unfortunately live in a really busy city. (NYC) That might be part of the thing, no matter where you go it is really difficult to escape from everyone. And yes, I really need to get out for a while. I was on my roof a while ago staring at the stars. That always calms me down, but unfortunately it started raining... Hehe..

Well thank-you darlings.. Much appreciated.

No problem!

One thing I've done to cut down my alcohol consumption is trying to make it more controlled and "respectable" ie having a glass of wine after dinner and not a bottle of it at 11pm; avoiding vodka in it's entirety ; and trying to eliminate the binges.

Also cutting down and giving it up a la cold turkey are probably the best routes.

Again, glad to see you're doing better! Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to!

And if you don't mind answering [feel free to ignore!] what drugs did you dabble in?

--David