Why not?

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Everything seems to suggest I should just end it.

I have no motivation this semester, I am probably already way behind....I don't have any good job skills or anything so I feel like I will fail at finding or keeping a job and no college or job means no way to really survive. So what good will that do? I know my mom says I can stay at her place as long as I need to but I am pretty sure in the next couple of years she is going to pressure me to move out and stuff like that. Not to mention if I drop out and can't find work then guess who has to pay for all my food and such? my freaking mom I'll get to be a totally dependant adult with no income of their own who has revert to feeling like that helpless child I was when my parents fought every time her and her boyfriend fight. Honesty I almost would rather be dead then have that be my life. Not to mention as much as people might get sad if I was not around anymore in the long run they are only wasting resources on me.

I just feel like I am the most pathetic person ever, I mean why with all my intelligence can I not freaking improvize and figure out a way to live......I have no musical talents so I can't be one of those street musicians and make enough change for food and maybe other things on occasion. I would probably make a terrible drug dealer.... not sure how well I would do as a random bum who is afraid to approach anyone for change I mean I am really trying to freaking figure out something i could do but I really don't know.

Oh and with the addition of the horrible economy I am sure things will get so much better soon...seriously it is hard enough for someone like me to even function at a job or get a job but with that nice little addition to things that just makes it all the more difficult......I mean what is the point really?

Hey... I saw Verdandi posted the 211 number in the other thread... have they been able to be of any help to you?

Please don't do anything to yourself. You're in a lot of suffering but it's temporary. Could you call the 211 number if you haven't already or a doctor?

I can't do anything harmful at the moment I'm at my friends house and his dog does not let me out of her site for long if I feel this depressed. I have not looked at that yet, but I'll get to it....I just still feel pretty horrible.

Oh I'm sorry you feel so bad. I think it's a phone number too if you're not up to looking at a site. Please do tell someone right away if you feel like you might harm yourself.

I am more comfortable with the web-site, I mean right now I am still trying not to feel so overwhelmed and think about what is possible, but if I don't figure out some way for things to improve I really don't know how long I can live like this. I don't even know what weird effects I should expect to experiance due to my mental state.....maybe I will be so numb I don't even know what to think about, or maybe I'll get that fun detatched feeling. So hopefully that website has listings of cheap or free mental health services....otherwise I am right back where I started.

Hey Sweetleaf,

I'm sorry you're suffering so deeply at the moment and feeling like this.

Why not? Because you appear to have a supportive mother, for the time being, so let her support you. You don't know what is round the corner and it might just be better.

I know from experience that it's hard to listen to words like this when you feel as low as you do. But this is what I see.

Hang in there.

YB.

Oh - and maybe hang out with that dog more - it seems smart looking after you like that, and it's not going to force you to talk or interact in anyway that you don't feel capable of. That breathing space can be helpful.

Not really she lets me live there and obviously I can eat the food(though I buy a lot of my own food.) but she really does not understand and her and her boyfriend have a rather unstable relationship and argue a lot so it is a pretty negative triggering environment. She does not even know how bad my depression is......and I can't really talk to her about it because she does not get it and then we both end up frusterated with each other and chances are while I go for a walk around the block to smoke a ciggerette to calm down she is probably sneaking one in the back yard....I can't deal with her problems and my problems it's just too much. So it is important that I find a way not to have to need her to try and support me....

There are also a lot of negative feelings i have about her because of how she and even my dad never wanted to look into if I might have had any mental issues because they where afraid of finding out it was true. Now she is more aware but she still does not get it at all.

I usually go to this friends house most weekends because it is a better environment....and I know I can't 'end it' in front of a cute little puppy or my friend so that is a good thing.

.

You are smart enough to realise this. For this reason, you will do well. But that doesn't mean you have to do it right now, while you are suffering so much. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself in this respect.

You are also smart enough to realise that your friend's house offers a better environment.
Heading somewhere that offers a 'safe' environment, like your friend's house, where you don't feel you can 'end it' is a very positive thing.

Keep going there and use the breathing space you have there to figure out the next step you're going to take. You don't have to figure everything out ... just the next step. It might be a tiny step, but a step nevertheless.

Keep hanging in there.

Yes the only way the suffering will become less is if my situation improves trouble is I don't know how much longer I can deal with it all without things improving at all.

I am just really frusterated because I can't seem to decide or figure out what the next step is.

Perhaps the next step is: keep going to a safe place, keep going to classes (even if you can't concentrate while there, it's a routine...), keep breathing, until I figure out the next step. That's good enough for now. Seriously.

I have to go to bed now. Work in the morning. Not looking forward to it all - no motivation, my performance is terrible and to top it all off on Friday on impulse I sent an email to my 'surrogate' boss disclosing my ASD so am going to have to deal with whatever comes of that. But it's a routine. Monday means work. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. Sometimes we have to just keep on keeping on until we can figure out how to change it.

Just keep swimming.