Lost

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These days I've been feeling lost because of some things in my life

This is the abstract.

I came out of a very prestigious prep-school. My GPA wasn't the best, but I was the teammate of choice of the two best students there. They knew I was smart, I just neglected my homework because i didn't like the school. During the last months of my senior year I became really depressed.

A thing that I'm very pasionate about is aviation. So I went for an Aeronautics engineering major. It was awful, I felt like I learned nothing. It was so bad I actually lost my excitement for aviation, it took several years for it to come back.

I decided then that physics was my thing. I changed majors and it was awesome. For the first time in several years I felt like I was at home. I even lost about 80 pounds, bringing me down to a weight of 200. I was really motivated and getting good grades. I was basically a Misanthrope, besides my high-scool friends I never felt really close to other people I used to spend time with. But I was happy.

A girl I really liked talked me into becoming more social and open to other people. I started attending parties and talking to other people. She grew on me and that made her unconfortable, to the point she distanced herself. At that point my dad almost had a heart attack. He lost his job. I was really down, but I kept it from my friends, because I was ashamed.

Then things start to go wrong, I fail my classes, at first I started obsessing about random stuff, probably to keep my mind busy. German U-Boats, Rubik's Cube, Role-Playing Games, Horror films, German lessons. Then I became really apathetic, I started failing at almost every class I took. I gained back most of the weigh I lost.

A girl I knew and I start getting closer. At some point I tell her I like her but she rejects me. Eventhough she became really close. I would never forgive myself if I just stop talking to her. She's had a very difficult life and few people she can trust. She's really fond of me, but it's like a neverending heartbreak.

At this point I'm 23, I have difficulties at college. The people who are close to me, including her, think I'm really smart and I think I'm letting them down. I've stopped enjoying physics, eventhough at first it was really great.

At this point I'm starting over. I'm trying new stuff and it seems to be working. A friend of mine talked me into applying for an internship at a big software company. He's been there and he's confident I can do it. I started taking Capoeira lessons and I'm enjoying it. The people there are nice and the instructor really helps me feel good about myself.

The thing is I just realized that my friends have become more social. And that seemed to be the source of my problems. I can't get away from that girl eventhough I feel like crap every so often because of her. I just want to leave so much behind but it seems to come at a great price. I've sworn that I'd never attend a party again. I hate them. And it seems I'll end up as a hermit, if I carry on. Maybe that's the way things are supposed to be.

Any way, thanks for reading.