i feel trapped

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I feel like i want to move again. I feel isolated in this town. I never seem to be able to connect with people. I spend most of my time alone. But i feel like there's no point moving this time.its not like when i was younger and moving would be a new and exciting change. Things keep ending up the same. I am often forgotten about, lost, not invited or can't afford to go out. I feel trapped. I don't know the way out this time. I will always be alone and empty. If i move i will be alone and empty, but in a new place.

I'm sorry you're so isolated. My natural instinct is to roam also but I did go through a period after being stuck in one place a few years that I thought "what's the use? I'm over traveling. It won't do me any good." I'm younger than you but it really felt like the end of the appeal of seeking out new places and things for me. But eventually the old need to do that resurfaced stronger than ever. It just seems like you'd LIKE to move but it's the specter of isolation that prevents you from seeing this as something that would make you happy. Why have you felt unable to connect so far? I mean I guess Asperger's and its accompanying difficulties explain a lot. I guess.. what has and has not worked for you in terms of making close friends?

Hmm, i think i make friends with people who are outgoing. They talk, i listen. I'm quiet a passive friend. I wonder if people think i'm not really that interested in them. I'm not sure how to balance interest in others with prying into their lives. Never figured it out.

Changes in routine stress me out so i rarely invite people over to my house. Last time i decided to force myself to invite people over no one turned up.

I feel like i'm always tagging on to couples these days. Pretty much all of my friends are married these days. Moved on with their lives. I feel like a spare part. The other day i was with friends. Before i went home i heard the 2 couples organizing to go out for a meal that night. No room for me.

I had an odd upbringing. I always feel unable to contribute when people start talking about holidays. My family never went on holiday and i can't afford to go anywhere and i have no friends to go with anyway. Then people talk about food and shopping for clothes like its nothing. Everything for me is expensive. Deciding what to budget for dinner is a big decision for me. My family have never had money, not even a regular standard of living. Not sure what that ramble was about. I guess i just feel realy different to people so i create a casumn between me and them.

In the last town i lived in i had a friend, a lovely girl, very kind, but her friends scared me. They were so normal. I stayed over one night after a party along with several other women. I felt awkward. I didnt know what to talk about or where to sit or what to do. I wanted to go home, but i had been drinking alcohol and couldnt drive home. I had to stay. I met a new group of quirky friends and moved to this town to be nearer to them, but although we all like each other i think all of us are a bit aspieish. We never do anything. We never go out. I see them rarely. They like their peace and quiet.

Ah I know what you mean about outgoing people making friends with you and then not wanting to push boundaries and so ending up not truly getting close. I'm trying to think how and if I overcame that. Well in the cases when I did I kind of showed them my vulnerabilities first. If they weren't receptive and caring I guess that told me not to try to depend on them to talk about my vulnerabilities with them and that they probably wouldn't like being asked about their potential vulnerabilities in turn. This is often the case I found but some people reciprocated and that's how I grew close to them.

I also know what you mean about having Aspieish friends. It sounds like you want to be more open and less introverted than they are which is the case with me. Two of my closest friends who've been friends for years both recently said things to the effect of "I like it that you're my friend but you understand if I'm not available all the time. Some people don't understand that." They both seem to need way less interaction and closeness and soul-sharing (not nec. verbal but soul-sharing nonetheless than I do) and I guess I've just been so shy and respectful of their boundaries all this time they never noticed I wasn't actually the introvert they always thought I was. I need some alone/alone-to-think time but I definitely don't relish it. I like people. So yeah. That's a barrier there.

As to the money issue, yeah, my God, I didn't grow up lacking things like you describe but does money ever make a difference to what you can and can't do. And when people around you pick ridiculously expensive restaurants and activities like it's nothing, and like you can't have just as much fun sitting on a curb drinking cream soda or even ice water... you get the sense it's all about the ritual rather than any real connection between people. Huhmm. I guess what I can say is... well... the people I feel closest to are the people I've taken a risk with and just been myself with instead of carrying on some charade like I often did/do and... I guess maybe... I'm not sure if you've moved to a really small town or something where your current social circle is pretty much your only option but if you live in a bigger place maybe it would help to sign up for some groups and get involved in some different low-key stuff and just see if you meet anyone there who seems not so introverted as to not be receptive to a close reciprocal friendship but not so extroverted as not to instinctively understand your hesitancies with sociality. Broad vague advice but... these introverted people you spend time with can't possibly be the only people in your area and I guess it does take some degree of putting yourself out there to find people who aren't wallflowers (not meant to be derogatory).

This may be self imposed mental block, but when i think of going by myself to do some new activities i fear that i will look like a bit of a loser. What i mean is that i have to make this effort to find friends. I'm not sure if people in general do that. I suppose they do, but i'm the lonely spinster tagging along, turning up trying to meet people. I think i don't want to look desperate. I still feel like a wide eyed child on my first day of school when i do new activities.

And i think there's people from my past, numbers in my phone book i should try and connect with, i have to stop collecting numbers i never call. If i try and get closer to the people i already know it might break this cycle of always moving on meeting new people, not connecting, then moving on again to do the same all over again.

Someone once said to me, "you have loads of friends". I said "no, i just move around alot, i know alot of names and faces, it doesn't mean they're my friends."

#1 You're not a spinster! You're 36! If you were 56 or 76 in fact you won't be a spinster regardless of your relationship status because that's a label seen through through the (probably imagined) imaginations of other people!

#2 I see your point about the self-imposed block. When it comes to it though everyone is desperate in the sense that everyone puts themselves out there. With the really outgoing people it's such a natural thing you wouldn't think to call it making an effort to find friends, I guess cause it's not a conscious effort for them, but they sure do spend a lot of calories getting to know people and talking to them and walking over to them and hugging them and eventually going places with them. Point being everyone has to put themselves out there to make friends and risk "looking stupid" but to who? There's nobody out there not doing the same thing so no one can legitimately judge you for it. There's no one to judge you.

#3 Calling people from your past sounds like a good idea. I don't know if you're on Facebook or what but that's a low-stress way of reconnecting with people (if you're not up to calling people out of nowhere, sending a friend request or message is much less anxiety-producing).

I know it's nowhere near as simple done as said but these ways of thinking and doing have helped me at least, maybe you'll find them of use?

Quiet folks who listen intently to others, not speaking to others, often don't readily connect with other people. This happens to me all the time. I've always found it hard to just "make up" something on the spot to talk about. Or to even make an effort to stand out in a conversation short of by being a wiseass. Sometimes feels like the only opinion I engender in other people is "oh, he's that twitchy, weird, sort-of quiet, sort-of loudmouth guy..."