Does it ever end?

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Ok so obviously I am not doing so well, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I keep obsessing about how negatively everyone will react if I pursue psychological help. I mean I was taught to ignore/hide my problems and act like everything was fine...I mean even my mom one time basically implied it was my fault everyone was picking on me and generally making me feel like crap. I also have never really been able to keep the few friends I make so I am worried even the friend I have now and people who are not quite friends but are aquantinces I feel positively about will abandon me at some point as that is what I am used to.

I tried looking up places in my area to go for a psychological evaluation or whatever....but all I can find are numbers to places and talking on the phone is really stressful for me especially about things like this. I could always go to the disability office of my college and ask there...not, I am too freaking worried about getting weird looks and making an idiot of myself to even go in there.

And that's not the worst of it then of course I am afraid of what kind of help I will run into, I am also worried about certain people in my family finding out things I really don't want to disclose to them......if I do end up building up enough confidence to call somewhere or ask at the college disability office if they know of any resources, how can I be sure I can get help without my family getting too involved?...I mean I am 22 so I have that right don't I? Its not really about hiding anything from them, its more like I can't deal with the drama that will come with everyone finding out about everything I am dealing with. Both my parents and lots of relatives have quite a few problems of their own, but they are still pretty judgemental because in most of their minds they are doing fine so why shouldn't I be and regrettably it probably is partially their fault I am so messed up.....and deep down inside they know it so that is probably why many of them might not approve and give me crap about it.

I know this is long but I am really struggling with this, I know I need to take some action but I don't want to be viewed as the mentally ill f*ck up of the family.

I think if you feel you would benefit from medical help, then you should seek it. I don't know where you live, but my first step would be talking to my general practitioner about it and then maybe getting a referral to a specialist.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad.

My college didn't contact my parents when I went to the counseling center or the disability office. I'm pretty sure they only do that for students under 18.

I highly recommend you go to the counseling center, I think they'll help you.

I know it is hard when the people closest to you don't understand mental illness. Please don't let it stop you from going to the center though. Mental illness is misunderstood and attitudes will change for the better as they tend to but in the meantime since you know what would help you and the counseling center knows what would help you don't let general ignorance get in your way.

If you don't want to have to explain everything you're thinking up front (and who would?), just tell them you you're having some real problems with depression and you need to see a counselor for that. Then once you get to know the counselor or therapist you're going to be dealing with, you can explain to them what else is on your mind and tell them you'd like to be evaluated for AS.

If you're over 18, no Mental Health professional is going to involve your family if you ask them not to. In the US, that would be a HIPAA violation. They can't disclose anything you say, or any information about your condition to anyone without your written permission.

When I was in college, I went to the guidance counselor many times. She was invaluable; many times I went there to have a good cry. She just listened. Once when I was really depressed, she lent me her walkman and a tape of relaxing music and instructed me to walk on campus and just listen to the music. I felt so much better. I'll always remember her.

uhh what general practitioner? I don't have one nor can I afford one. hence the reason I am trying to find something availible to people in my financial situation. Besides a general practitioner would not do any good as they are not as knowledgeable about psychological issues.

Well that is only part of it, no matter how much I convince myself I should every time I just walk buy the building and don't go in, I mean what if that is not the place to ask about that kind of stuff.

Alright well that is a relief that if your over 18 they cannot disclose information to others without permission, but I don't want to see a counseler I want to see a psychiatrist or psychologist that can actually diagnose me. Counseling provides little if not no relief or real help, I need to know what I am dealing with and have some documentation of it.

I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be. I think it's a good idea to go to your college's disability office; if only to see what they have to offer.
When I was diagnosed I thought I would lose friends, that they would think I was a freak. My real friends have stuck by me.

Any way I slice it I should go to the colleges disability office......I mean I can hardly concentrate on my classes I feel like I am already way behind. I don't know if I should even bother continuing this semester....but then I really won't be able to afford to pursue a diagnoses or anything because college loans/grants is my only income. I mean I am trying to just force myself to start on more of my college stuff.......I have done most of the reading and have done all the weekly quizzes but I've barely started any of the little written assignments and I have a freaking final psychology paper due next month.......I don't even know what topic to do...uhh at least last semester I was able to still do most of the work, get it in and though it did get pretty stressful towards the end I still managed to get A's but for some reason no matter how much I try to motivate myself I can't seem to freaking start on anything.

I mean at least last semester I still had college going for me......but now I even fail at that, I guess I knew this would happen sooner or later if I kept putting off taking to someone about this, but that does not make it any easier to deal with. I mean if I can't hold a job and now I can't focus on college what good am I?

School is hard even for people who aren't having problems. Trying to deal with getting better at the same time as studying is a lot to deal with. The disability office is the best place to start. If you can find the right person to talk to, it can make all the difference.

I feel like regardless of what I do I wont do as well as I did last semester, but I do need to address these psychological issues more than I 'need' to pass my classes. I don't feel like I will really get 'better' I feel like its too late for that....but I just really want to know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe it is just the combination of AS, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, its just hard to say exactly......I just don't know how I go from struggling but still managing to focus on homework and in class long enough to get my stuff done and still end up with decent grades.....to not even seeming to comprehend some of what I am supposed to do because of all I'm dealing with.

I am also afraid of what will happen if I try and get help and it further frusterates me...I mean I can't lie to myself about things I have done or the fact I would do it again if the oppurtunity presents itself. Yes I feel I got a chance to try and get back on the supposed right path and so I tried to find employment, did not find any and re-enrolled in college which was great the past two semesters but now even that is failing me....sometimes I wonder why I didn't just freaking cut off all contact from my family instead of running back to them when things didn't work out.

Navigating medical bureaucracy is frustrating and it takes a long time. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 39 (when I was a kid, even the doctors hadn't heard of AS.) Just keep moving towards making things better. Things will never be perfect, but they can always be better. Going to the disability office is just part of the process.
Do what you can with school and see how it goes. It's still early in the term.
I'm sorry your family isn't more helpful. You can't change them, but you can take care of yourself.