Not as helpful as I thought.

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So yeah I went to the disability office at the college, and I feel like other then discussing dropping a class and finding out I still have the required credits if I drop it, it was not very helpful. On the campus they have a cheap counseling service, I am really not intrested in counseling but maybe if I go there they would be able to point me in the direction of where to be psychologically assessed/diagnosed. Or I can try the mental health center kinda close to where I live and see what they have to offer......but yeah I feel like even if I drop that class I still won't do very well in my other two because the motivation is still not there. And though my basic mood has been a little better this week......

I still feel like I can't adequately concentrate on anything even something as simple as cleaning my room a bit so I can have a more pleasent homework environment. And I feel I am quite vulnerable to severe anxiety attacks like on thursday it started on my way home on the bus I suppressed it as well as I could but I was sweating, my heartbeat was quicker than it should have been, and I was doing my best to look like I was just cold and shivering a bit...rather than freaking the f*ck out. Then I got into my room and sat in the corner for a while because I could not seem to do anything else. I feel angry at both my parents and cannot put my finger on exactly why....Other than that I kinda just feel numb like nothing really matters.

It's the numbness that is really getting to me right now.

Glad to hear you went to the disability office. Even if they weren't very helpful, it's good you had the guts to go. Getting help is a process and that was one step of it. I think you should try the mental health center next and see if they are more helpful.
Hang in there!

Yeah I guess, it just feels kind of pointless I mean even if that is more helpful.......it does not make me feel any better in the end and does not give me any more direction in life than I already have which is not much. I mean even in the disability office when the conversation went beyond just how much I was struggling with paying attention and concentrating....I mean this is not like me usually I can focus on things that intrest me at least...I mean its ridiculous every time I try and sit down and just let everything else go for a while so I can at least start on my assignments I can't seem to keep track of my train of thought long enough to do anything so I just get frusterated and give up and repeat the process every time.

How do I go from getting A's regardless of being under an unholy amount of stress, to barely being able to motivate myself to even continue living life?........I know its bad when I have to fight through a bunch of stressfull, anxiety inducing, obsessive thoughts of all the bad things that anything i do could lead to every time I even want to just go out and enjoy myself......I have a few concerts I want to go to coming up but I still know I will not enjoy it as much as I would like to.

But yeah so anyways the person I talked to at the disability office was talking about me coming back again once I have tried what she suggested and just tell her how I am doing.......you know so I could plan out my goals for college ect with her help and stuff and I heard what she was saying.......but when she started talking about any hope for future plans and making goals she kind of lost me I mean I heard everything but I was not hearing it or taking it in because I was feeling more like 'yeah if I even make it past the rest of this semester.' I feel like I'm freaking litterally losing my mind....I mean this society freaking disturbs me I doubt I can do much to change anything and I feel so freaking isolated in the midst of it all.

I can relate to what you said about feeling isolated. I don't know why it is so hard to get help. I tried to get help for years and my condition kept deteriorating. It's like the doctor's won't help you until you've reached rock bottom; if they had helped me when I first asked I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. They were so reluctant to consider that I had a real problem that needed treatment.
Keep trying - it took me 39 years to get a diagnosis, but I'm glad I didn't give up. There are some competent people out there who can actually help.

Someone should have helped me when I was 15 and attempted suicide, but they just had me go to counseling....which ended up causing me more pain because a girl who I thought was my best friend tried to set me up and then told the freaking cops that I had plans to murder people at the school in my notebooks the counseler told me to write all the negitive thoughts in my mind down to get them out of my head. I had no such plans and nothing ever came of any of that but it was really stressful to have to deal with that when I was already down.

I mean yeah for a little while I believed it would get better, but it never did get any better. I mean I don't know quite what is going on with me anymore it just feels like It's getting worse so I will probably keep trying to find some sort of help......I just feel like my time is limited and that it could already be too late I mean with how quickly things seem to be deteriorating I don't even know what to expect in the next week.

Not to mention it freaks me out....its unpleasent to think about, so of course I end up looking for distractions I want to forget about it and enjoy the concerts I have planned next month and I am hoping things go well with a dude I've been talking to online and plan to talk to in person next week....though in reality do I really need to be trying to bring more people into my life? I mean do I really want to be a burden to even more people provided this person even actually likes me to begin with?

For now I am just trying not to beat myself up over not being able to focus on my school work, and trying not to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy myself a little even in the midst of all this turmoil.