When do I end this relationship?

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I have never really had any friends that I spent any time with outside of school but I have recently been introduced to a boy through someone at work. I didnt think he was very attractive from the start but started going climbing with him because I really wanted to go and had no one else to go with. I think it started out as "could we be compatible and have a relationship", but I still cant tell what he wants from me but my heart is saying the climbing is great the boy is tolerable.

So we have been meeting once a week and he is kind and quiet like me but one thing that bothers me is that he always seems to have something wrong with him like he's cold or feels sick or has a bad leg etc and I havent got a clue what to say in these situations, I think I need someone prettier and stronger who can take care of me instead of me nursing him.

Anyway since I started meeting him Ive had pangs of guilt and worry that I dont know if he wants to be friends or something more and I dont want to lead him on but I enjoy the climbing. The other day I agreed to go to his house after work and all the way there I had feelings similar to those I get when Im going to the dentist, like I dont really want to go Im scared of what might happen should I just not go. But I did go we ended up not eating anything all night and we watched a film. I never watch films normally as Im very active and I was bored during the film and he was huddled in a blanket feeling cold. Then when the film finished he said Im afraid Im going to have to chuck you out I have to be up early tomorow.

When I left his house I felt confused with an empty stomach but not from the hunger as I actually felt a bit sick. I was supposed to pick him up to take him to his birthday meal today but he wasnt feeling well again so he cancelled it. The stress of the situation is making me feel sick and almost in tears sometimes. Other times I think the climbing is fun. Is maintaining friendships stressful for other people too? I have paid for tickets to a show with him in November but now am wondering whether I can make the relationship last that long. And if not how on earth do I end it? because it will mean I have no friends again and cant climb. And I cant help thinking he isnt a bad person I think he might make a good friend but in small doses.

To cut the long story short why cant I have an adult relationship without feeling sick and crying from the stress?

I think your right-brain gut instincts were good. Seeing a video is a transition from being climbing buddies to more encompassing friends. And with guys, yes, I think the baseline is the possibility of romantic involvement unless they're been a clearly stated something to the effect that you're just interested in being friends.

So, you just need to come up with a decent---and brief---and matter of fact way of saying you just want to be friends.

I responded at the other palce you posted, but since this has one has your second addition, I'll elaborate here.

Stay in your role only; don't worry about his. Below is an example of somehow taking on his role as your own worry:



If he wants something more, it's his role to express that. Since he hasn't expressed that, your worry is misplaced. In NT patlance what you're doing is called porous interpersonal boundries; worrying about what another may or may not be thinking, feeling or wanting when those things have, as yet, remained unexpressed. Worrying about unexpressed possibilities within another is taking on too much. Carry your own mental & emotional load and allow the other to have and express his own. This is not mean or uncaring; it's respectful adult relating.

Leading-on the opposite sex is more explicit than what you've described so far. If you are not using salacious talk, dress, mannerisms or touch; climbing with a man is not leading him on. Since you only want to be friends with him, do just that.

I'd say not to worry and just relax while maintaining a healthy, friendly relationship. As MountainLaurel said, he hasn't expressed anything, so do not assume anything. You claim that there always seems to be something wrong with him. Have you asked him about that? It's possible he is not among the physically healthiest of individuals(even if he otherwise appears to be fit), and those problems are manifestations of that. It's also possible that those are manifestations of a panic/anxiety disorder.

Since I don't know much about him, and you've given very little, I can't say. However, to cut off ties without a true understanding because of this confusion just seems...almost cruel. He may have difficulty and is attempting to hide it in order to maintain a positive experience. Assuming that's the case, since you both may be in need of friendship/someone to be there, given your lack of friendships, I would say maintaining that friendship is better for both of you.

Likewise, if he does have some sort of health/anxiety problem, don't be afraid to ask him some questions and don't be scared off if he starts developing a crush. If you aren't interested and tell him that, I highly doubt he will cut off ties. If the friendship is important to him, which it likely would be if he does have some sort of issues, then I doubt he will act spiteful or cut contact. Friendship in that case will be more than simply a want, but a need. Perhaps with an acquired answer that knowledge would help you to relax?

Given your description you both appear to be in need of social interaction. Since you would supply each other in this regard, in my opinion it is vital that you at least maintain the friendship. It will be healthier for the both of you.

Thank you for the advice I was having a particularly low moment but now have thought the situation through a bit more . Yes I probably do NEED this friendship. It has felt so great to have someone to talk to and do things with.

I completely agree with Hero that "to cut off ties without a true understanding because of this confusion just seems...almost cruel". and I am constantly fighting the urge to do that. I think given the choice between fight or flight as the saying goes I will always choose to run away. But I do recognise that and am trying to think of the positives and hang in there to see what happens.

I myself suffer from anxiety which causes me to feel sick or get flu like symptoms when an important event is coming up. However I know this happens and so dont tell people I think I have food poisoning or that I may have a tropical disease like he tells people he has.

But now I think about it he has had his birthday, a family wedding and a job interview this week which he has been thinking about alot, so there is a good chance he asked me to leave his house the other night because his anxiety was making him feel ill. And also there's the possibility he thinks he has got food poisoning or other illnesses because he doesnt realise they are a symptom of anxiety or because he doesnt want to admit that he knows they are produced by anxiety.

Thinking about it Im not sure I do need to know why he says he is ill all the time. So I plan to reply to his messages with things like "hope you feel better soon" and not give it a second thought as it is up to him to see a doctor or do whatever he needs. I realise now my worrying wont help him and isnt good for me.

I will take your advice and try to be what I want with him, which is just friends and I will continue enjoying myself in his company without questioning what he might be thinking as that is his business/problem.

Come to think of it surely our friendship must be benefiting the both of us or he wouldnt still be meeting up with me. And if he wants a relationship he can ask and I can say no.
I think I have a way forward there, just hope I can stick to it.