hello darkness, my old friend

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I realize that the way I've been thinking lately, which is really cynical and bitter, is depression that just crept up on me. I've been waking up every morning thinking about how I hate my life, and really just trying to have some kind of compassion for myself. I don't feel any better after getting a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, except that maybe thinking I'm not a total jerk for being exhausted all the time. People have a way of making you feel awful about yourself for not being just like they are. I'm in college but feel like it's only making me feel worse. I try to socialize in class but wind up zoning out from the midpoint till the class is over. Girls try to talk to me and it feels nice but then I just want to vanish after class. I notice that I'm getting really tired of talking. You know, the physical act of making words come out of my mouth. I wasn't like this before but then again I didn't care about how I spoke back then. Now I have to watch my words in order not to be misunderstood. I really prefer being quiet most of the time now. I have to force myself to talk to my mother. I hate people who are always fishing for compliments and needing constant reassurance of their appearance. What a f*****g burden. As if life didn't suck enough. It feels like vampirism and makes me want to go to sleep for a thousand years. I can't see anything good about anybody around me and that makes me feel ungrateful. That's why I just want to stay away from, pretty much, everybody. I think I may have been happier with chemicals in my body. I'm sick of all the noise that's going around me all the time. My ears feel like they're been raped from all the constant plugging up and headphones. K, that's all for now.

I understand how you feel because I have been there. I can really relate to your statement of wanting to sleep for a thousand years. As a child, I actually fantasized about being Sleeping Beauty because the idea of being able to sleep for a hundred years sounded so wonderful. I still struggle a bit but I feel more even with meds. I understand how it feels not to want to talk to anyone because it takes so much effort. Anyway, you do sound clinically depressed. It's a medical condition. Are you getting treatment?

Thank you Aimless for your response. I am so glad I am not the only person that feels too tired to talk. You don't know how much better that makes me feel. I'm glad meds help you to feel balanced. That is good you have found something that works for you, you're lucky. Unfortunately they don't help me. I've tried that route far too often with the utmost disappointing and detrimental results, so I'm taking the long way with my condition. Pharmaceuticals are truly not for everyone, I'm afraid. I am scheduled to see a therapist this next week, so that may help alleviate some of my experiences-- I hope.

Not to harp on the pharmaceuticals, but when you mentioned the "noise going on around you," I can relate. A couple of months ago I tried Seroquel and it has really helped to reduce the mental noise I have experienced my whole life. Of course, medication affects everyone differently, but I thought I'd mention this. It has helped me to be able to be calm enough to stay in uncomfortable situations longer than I have ever been able to.
I can relate to your post. I had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago and have not been very verbal since. I'm starting to become comfortable with silence when before I would have said something stupid to fill in the space. I think this might be a good thing.
I hope things go well with your therapist. Things got a lot better for me once I was diagnosed.