I'm such a hateful person.

Post Reply New Topic

There's a monster inside me. A being of pure, undiluted misanthropy and rage. Nothing is spared its wake. Blame it on bad parenting, society, or brain chemistry. I know one thing for sure: I hate myself, and pretty much everything around me.

i kno wht u mean...

I wonder if it would help to try to tell you my story. The way you describe yourself is very familiar to me. I used to wonder at it though, in quieter moments - *why* was I so enraged? I tried every therapy and they usually did some good. I kept finding tattered scraps of my childhood (*not* repressed memories) - this went on for decades.

At one point, these scraps were all from Grade 1. It really is miraculous, the way the mind can heal itself. I found scraps from when I had done something good and it was noticed. It had the effect of building up my 6yo self-esteem. And then, when I was ready, it lowered the boom. I dreamt of Miss Murphy (bless her and rest her) whose only way of protecting me was to keep me in the gym during recess and lunch, and to announce that anybody who spoke to me would be expelled. (That settled the proof problem.)

And so I made a deal with that world - I would be lonely and scapegoated, and they would not speak to me or do anything to me.

And nobody ever repealed that rule. Nobody ever noticed that a rule that used to save my life had become vicious. Forty years later, it was so ingrained that I still obeyed it, and expected others to obey it. And that's why I was enraged if anyone spoke to me - because I believed it to be a death threat, that's why.

The glorious thing is that once I found it, I repealed it, and it dropped immediately! And now I am glad to say hello to others when I walk my dog, for example.

The specific tool that helped me the most was EMDR
http://www.emdr.com
but use whatever might help you, I most sincerely hope you find the source and demolish it. Please believe that there *is* something to find, and that your emotions are valid. Respect yourself.

... Beelzebub?? Buddy? After all my years of searching, can it really be you?
You left me without warning. I've missed you so much.
Where did you go? Back to Congress?
I see you donated your multi-trillion dollar gun collection to the killers and rapists. How very generous of you.
Are you still a card-shark on Wall-Street, betting away other people's lives to feed your gambling addiction?

I still remember that advice you gave me—really took it to heart.
I heeded it so well, I even came prepared for our next encounter.
In fact, I have a ... present of sorts, that I made especially for you.
Open wide! (and say your prayers )

(Pardon the irrelevance. I enjoy creative writing too. When the inspiration strikes, I just can't resist. )

giftorcurse you echo my sentiments exactly. I cant stop myself from utterly hating me. "autism" or whatever its called doesnt stop it from residing inside you, making it impossible to separate from your sense of self.

However when I read my own feelings from someone elses mouth (yours), it only makes me feel heartbroken for them (you). Really horrible people never bother to hate themselves. You only feel that way bc you are so broken and downtrodden by life--bc you are a decent person and strive to be something better---but just cant ever do it bc of your limitations.

I see you and you seem like such a loving deep individual who just feels alone and outcast, and it isnt a stretch to say i see myself in you. Even your SN is something I wouldve chosen.

Just today I was in a hysterical ball sobbing on the floor wishing to die. I dont know about you or anyone else but even though there is some theoretical group of us out there, I am utterly alone in who I am, how i think, how the world sees me. I dont have a single real aspie friend out there in the real world. I wish I could gain some perspective, it helps to know there are people out there just like me, feeling exactly the same way, both fighting with and loving this condition.

I know that monster too, there's one inside me, and I think inside everyone else. Its diet is hatred, fear, loathing, malice, unfulfilled desires, violence, injustice.

Some people's lives fed this monster much better than other people's lives.

I feel like I'm doing alright by people as long as I manage to keep this monster encaged.

Don't worry about it, being hateful isn't really that bad. I'm pretty hateful and I'm happy most of the time.

of course you're full of hate, the last 5 years have been the worst you will ever experience. I hope you can pull yourself out of the nose dive that is adolescence and live. It is worth it eventually. It might take a few more years to completely recover though. I wish i could go back to 13 year old me and give him five years worth of lexapro.

I've heard it before. Don't want any of it.

Then why'd you make this topic?

You could say I want people to wake up.

You could also say that you posted this to get sympathy for your 'horrible' life. Don't b***h about your life when you're not gonna listen to people who want to help and support you.

Can't stop the monster.

This is The Haven. It's not a place to make people feel worse than they already do.

To the OP. I felt the same way until things turned away for me a couple of years ago, this month. I have hopes that things will turn around for you in the future.