How can I explain this?

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I have just discovered that I hate girls. Not women, mind you; mature, intelligent women are fine. And ladies who are fairly masculine are also fine - I even have a few of them as friends (though not many). But girls. Maybe I should say "girls." The sound of their voices, the way they look, their body language, that stupid laugh they all have, the things they say, the clothes they wear, absolutely everything about them sends me into a rage that borders on murderous. I don't want them near me. I don't want to hear or see them. I certainly would never let one of them in my home, my safe space. They don't even seem human to me. They're like horrible manipulative parasites that would be better off exterminated.

Normally I am an extremely calm, patient, pacifistic person. I don't kill spiders and I break up arguments and fights whenever possible. But girls... girls are something different.

I realize that this is irrational, maybe stems from something in my childhood or blah blah blah, but that doesn't make it any less intense.

Unaware of this feeling in myself but well aware of how I feel when girls are around me, I made a rule with my flatmate when I moved in a year and a half ago that if he wants to bring home a girl, he has to warn me in advance so I can get the hell out of here. He readily agreed although he didn't really understand why it bothered me so much (he thought it was just the noise of people having sex, which is not at all true). This happened after the one and only time he slept with a girl in his room (his bed is right against the wall where mine is, the walls are made of paper, and there's no way to stop the sound). Since then he has always gone to the girl's place, warned me in advance, or on one occasion when I came home and the girl was already here, he made her leave in order to keep his promise to me. I really appreciate him doing this and I'm always sure to thank him.

Tonight I came home from work after a long, bad day, feeling terrible and looking forward to relaxing in my safe space. He came out of his room, drunk, and chatted with me a few minutes, then went back in his room. After a few minutes I heard him talking to someone and imagined I heard a voice responding, very quietly. I yelled through the door that he'd better not have a girl in there and he came out in a rage. He said she'd been there for hours, they wouldn't be shouting or f*****g or making any crazy noise, and I needed to just relax and get over it. I felt like he had punched me in the gut. I couldn't breathe, I felt like puking. One of those THINGS was in my space, wasn't leaving, and not only had he broken his promise and not warned me, he actively tried to hide her (which is stupid, given the papery nature of the walls). I saw him with her earlier today and I immediately feared he would bring her home. She was giggling like an evil little harpy and hardly wearing any clothes (her shirt wasn't even buttoned and she was basically standing on the street in a bra).

We had a screaming fight (something I don't think I've ever had before) after which he went into his room and slammed the door, and I heard him talking to her about how crazy I am and how stupid my rule is, to which she readily agreed, stupid evil little succubus from hell that she is. I tried hiding in my room for a few minutes but the sound of her voice was too much to bear, so I stormed out, slammed the door behind me, and had a beer on a bench in a small park near my building.

The thing is, maybe he doesn't understand, sure, but if he isn't willing to follow this rule, why did he agree to it? Why now, after all this time? I'm moving out in less than a week to get my own place - he couldn't have waited FOUR more days to do this? I'm so angry I want to go in there and beat his face in.

After one beer, one hour, and two calm, rational text messages asking him to please get her out even if he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, just keep his promise and I'll be gone in a few days and he can do whatever he wants, which he did not respond to (probably didn't even read), I got too cold and came home. Everything was as I left it, which means she's still in there, but it's silent, which means they're asleep. I really want to storm in there and throw dishes and silverware and glass at them until he makes her leave, but I can't. I have to go to sleep soon, I have work in the morning, but I know I won't be able to sleep knowing that horrible THING is on the other side of the wall, asleep or not. I know they'll wake up in the middle of the night and start talking and making those horrible lovers' sounds and trying to have sex as quietly as possible, and I'll come raging out of my room with tears streaming down my face and knee that bastard in the nuts as hard as I can.

So here I am, writing this with headphones on blaring music I don't even want to listen to just in case they make a tiny sound in there and I lose it and bust in and try to kill them both.

Last edited by kotshka on 05 Oct 2011, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well we had a couple more screaming fights where he told me I'm completely insane, f****d in the head, need to see a psychologist immediately, then went in his room and talked to his girl in his stupid drunken horny voice about what a nutjob I am. I yelled in that he has no right to say things like that about me to someone who doesn't even know me - the two of them were in there laughing while I was out here sobbing my eyes out. What kind of girl thinks it's funny to torture someone like that? Finally it became clear that she was going to stay all night, and I had nowhere else to escape to. I knocked quietly on his door and begged him between sobs to please at least stop talking so I could try to get some sleep, since I had work in the morning. They were in there laughing and he said fine, they would be completely silent. But they kept talking in those horrible horny-flirty-after-sex voices and I could hear every sound. I asked politely once more a while later and he got angry that I wanted silence, but when I begged him to just let me sleep (still crying), he said fine, they'd stop talking, just go to sleep. They still kept talking for ages. I had to bang on the wall about five times before they finally shut the hell up, several hours later.

I slept a grand total of two hours and I heard him letting her out at 6 this morning. A bit later I heard him get up to go to work. I got a text message from him that it's unfair that my mom can be here for a week without problem (actually it WAS a problem, but in a different way, it's GIRLS that I have this particular problem with), but his "friend" can't be there for one night without it "taking my space." I don't know how to explain this to him. He's not a very understanding person when it comes to emotions. He's seen me cry many times before and his reaction is always to just yell at me about how stupid and illogical I'm being. If he doesn't understand the reason why I'm upset, he assumes I shouldn't be and just yells at me as though that will help.

I don't know what to say to him when I see him this afternoon/evening. I wrote a response to his message that I'll try to explain later but I don't think he'll understand, but I'm not crazy, it's to do with autism. I know he won't understand and we'll just fight again. How do I explain to him that having a girl in my home violates my feeling of safety in my space? That I have to deal with people I hate all day every day in the real world, and I can handle it because I know I have my safe haven to go home to at the end of the day and there will be none of these awful people there.

I know he won't understand. He'll just tell me I'm being illogical, I have no reason to hate these people and therefore he will refuse to do anything differently or even apologize. Maybe he'll even bring her back just to prove his point. Last time I was this upset (it only happened once before, again about a girl) and crying and melting down, he just screamed at me that there was no way he was ever going to apologize for my "womens BS."

He also said during one of our fights that he never promised to warn me if he'd have a girl over, he only promised he wouldn't f**k anyone if I was home. I said no, that's not what I asked at all - certainly I don't want to hear him sleeping with a girl in there, but the problem is not just about sex at all. Obviously this was a miscommunication between us. He really is a good person overall (otherwise I wouldn't be living with him) and in the past when he saw how much these girls upset me, he always made them leave and apologized for breaking his promise. What happened this time? I know he doesn't understand how badly he hurt me. If he knew, really knew, what he did to me last night, he would never have done it, I'm sure of that. But he doesn't know and I have no way to make him understand.

Sorry for the rantiness of this. I would be very open to advice though, if anyone has any. He's not a bad person, I just can't make him understand.

I personally wouldn't sweat it if you're going to move in less than a week anyway. Unless he's moving in with you this is a very short term problem.

You'd probably be able to convince him to not bring a "girl" over (does a maturity level make a difference?) for the last week that you'll be staying there. This is because I doubt he wants to fight or have a shouting match anymore than you do over it. Before there weren't any consequences, now he knows there are.


Are you worried about the friendship?

I understand that completely, I face a similar dilemma when getting a job. Not really "awful" people in my case, but I like a relaxing environment, home should be a haven, not a chore.

That said I don't know a lot of people who'd have agreed on the whole no girl policy if only because they weren't sexual and guys were allowed over. But yeah you're not insane, this is a preference and one he agreed to, but you'll have a hard time arguing the point if he really thinks the agreement was simply not having sex while you were home. Also the way he handled it was immature, good guy or no.

Part of me thinks he remembered his promise and chose to conveniently forget--just because he rushed the girl out so quickly last time.

I've changed the thread title because I'm done ranting and am now actively seeking advice. How can I explain to someone my need for a safe, predictable personal space? How can I explain that I am comfortable with most men and masculine women, but that "girls" are to me like horrible evil inhuman creatures from hell, and that having one of them in my space means I can't relax, can't sleep, don't feel safe, often can't even stop crying?

Anyway it turns out I'm not the only person he angered last night. I guess he was even drunker than I realized and went into a shop owned by a mutual friend of ours and took wine off the shelf and said he'd pay for it later, then tried to hide the empty bottles on the rack so no one could prove how much he'd taken. He was being obnoxious and scaring the customers and refusing to leave when asked. I knew something was up for sure when I came home and he had that big drunken grin on his face and he said "I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm not so drunk. I'm not the Hyde. I'm the Jekyll. Right?" then asked for a high-five. He only says these things when he's way over the line into blind drunkenness. So that explains why he was such a jackass, and also why that girl was so into him. It seems these girls are absolutely infatuated with drunk, smelly, obnoxious, drooling idiots. Or at least that's the conclusion I've come to after seeing how they react to him when he gets this way. No one ever seemed interested in him when he was sober (and quiet and polite and kind).