Selflessness

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I was talking to my psychiatrist yesterday and she mentioned that I had to do more things for myself. The problem is I am not particularly good at this.

First a little background. I'm a uni student, studying Music Tech & Film/Video. I also work part-time at an accouting firm. I'm a good student and worker. I get assignments in on time and have a "can-do" attitude towards work. I also write for a website that covers local band performances in my home city (Perth, Australia, hometown of Heath Ledger). The thing is, I can do everything that needs to be done for others with aplomb, but not so much stuff for myself.

There are many things I have attempted to do that I haven't been able to do, nothing that a "boss person" requires. Things like putting a band together and performing (and one day relocating to Europe to live and gig there, because Australia sucks), finding a girl I like, hanging out with people and generally doing things I consider to be fun.

All the time on Facebook or when talking to others I hear about what other people are doing, whether it's a European vaction with friends, buying a house for them and their new girlfriend/wife or that their band is touring Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. I'm 24, which is old in musician's years.

My question is, why am I so good at being a dull servant but not a king? When will I see a reward for all my hard work (please don't say in my 60's-70's because I don't think I'll live that long - and only John Farnham can deliver a killer musical performace at that age (he's been my hero since I was two years old).

you can take some cold comfort from the fact that you are far from the only one.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I was always giving but never able to do things for myself, and on the rare occasion that I said "no" to someone, they would tell me what I terrible person I am and make me feel like crap about myself.

Eventually I learned to prioritize myself (though I still enjoy doing things for other people, work hard, help my friends when I can), but the people around me did NOT like it. They've always expected me to be a doormat, and now that I say NO when I really don't want to do something, and actively do things that I like and ask others to do things for me when it seems fair or necessary, most people tell me I'm "selfish" (probably in comparison to how I used to be). These are the same people who used to tell me I should do more for myself and not so much for others. The fact is, people want everyone around them to act like slaves. People are just selfish. They're not going to like it if you change your attitude.

However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Maybe people don't like me as much, but the positive things they were feeling before was mostly just a feeling of power and knowing you have a slave available when you want it. Now the positive feelings people give me are more respectful, even if they don't come as often.

As for actually doing it, I can only tell you what worked for me. Part of it was just absolute exhaustion. I was out of energy to give to people and when I asked my "friends" for support, they said no. It finally hit me that in the end, the only person who will always be there for you is YOU. If you don't take care of yourself, there's never any guarantee that someone else will do it. I realized that I had to start saving some energy for myself or I was going to completely burn out. As for the implementation of this little plan, I made a rule for myself. When someone asked me to do something, I paused before answering and asked myself a few questions. Do I actually WANT to do this? Would it take a lot of energy to do it? Would it be unfair of me to say no? Would this person do the same for me if the situation were reversed? Then I made my decision based on these factors.

Good luck. Treat yourself well.

[quote="Mr_Axelrod"When will I see a reward for all my hard work (please don't say in my 60's-70's because I don't think I'll live that long[/quote]

Probably you will never see a reward from others and if you wait for, it will only cause frustration and bitterness for you.

You either do more for yourself and your own interests or, you could realize that doing stuff for others includes an intrinsic reward for you, then you should go for it. Worn--out comparison, but some people, like mother Theresa, could only find their own fulfillment through service to others.

If you have any belief in karma then theoretically anything you do for another will be a thing done for yourself. I have always believed this but it took major events in my life to put it into action. now i reap the reward every day. The best part is i don't intend to do it for myself. I have lived many years as a bitter a***ole so i feel i owe it to the world to do it a service. Positivity is contagious, and it has many advantages, though it is very hard to grasp, and even harder to sustain.