getting help

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After a very long time of not realising I am depressed, I have come to terms with the fact that I probably do have it and I have finally started talking about it with my doctors. But even though I've talked about it with them, I haven't managed to get them to prescribe anything for me and I think part of the reason might be that while I'm okay to admit that I have depression now, I am still not really honest about the way I feel.
At the moment they take my medical problems very seriously and it took a while for me to find doctors who would find out what was wrong with me medically so I think that now that they realise I am sick, they put my depression symptoms down to that. I don't want to change their perception too much because I think it is important that they continue to take my symptoms seriously so I am afraid to tell them how bad my depression is.
I'm also really ashamed of the idea of taking antidepressants and have been scared of them. But the thing is pretty much everyone who knows me knows I'm depressed so there's no secret there and perhaps if I actually took antidepressants then it wouldn't be so noticeable! And now I have had to take other medications so I guess I'm a little less precious about what I put into my body.
I still feel like I can beat this on my own but the thing is I have really tried everything over the years and I guess I feel why not try something different - it's pretty much the only thing I haven't tried.
I am particularly afraid of admitting that I have suicidal thoughts - mostly my thoughts are that I feel so sick and so incurable or unfixable I just want to kill myself.

Mental health is something that many people feel bad about being honest about, the feeling generally being that 'a person must show themselves to be okay', this leads to a feeling of shame around needing some help for a mental issue.

It takes a lot of courage to admit to feeling mentally unwell because of this. Be aware that you have every right to feel your feelings and to show them is brave of you.

Would it be possible to try track how you came to feel this way?
I know with me, I tracked my suicidal thoughts to my anger being internalized and once I started to realize this my suicidal thoughts started to lessen (about once every two or three months now). Perhaps tracking where your suicidal thoughts come from would help you in a similar way?