Crippling fear of the unknown

Post Reply New Topic

I'm in such a horrible situation. I never go anywhere except for my church, and I just can't go anywhere i'm not already familiar with. I'm all alone as of late; I can't find love, and I can't find a job. There's just so many variables that I can't predict that I have a panic attack. It's making me feel so worthless that I just sit at home whenever i'm not at the church, and it's just spiraling out of control. And I'm already on an antidepressant and seeing a therapist.

Why can't I just have some acceptance in this world? I'm not worth anything to other people, i'm not worth anything to myself. I have no intentions of suicide, but I feel as though this world would be better off if I had never existed.

I accept you.

Is there someone from your church who could accompany you to a place that you may not feel capable of going alone? I know if I go somewhere with someone else, it helps with my level of anxiety. I have a case manager through a mental health organization and she has come with me to go grocery shopping or even for coffee when my anxiety is bad. I'm not sure if you have access to a case manager where you are, but it might be worth asking your therapist.
And also, I accept you as well.

When it comes to daily tasks away from home, such as going to the store, I can generally manage. The people that work at a store or restaurant are employees of an establishment I am doing business with as a consumer. So long as I am on my best possible behavior and follow general etiquette with regards to things such as tipping (in restaurants anyway), there's a guarantee of acceptance from the staff, and I need not interact with other customers.

In a social event (like most of these "take up an interest" ideas that people tell me to go out and meet people), there is no such guarantee. The risk of rejection is so high that I might as well say that the rejection is assured.

Also, in the former, there is a clearly defined objective for which I am there to accomplish. The latter has no such objective, and leaves me adrift, unable to accomplish anything.

I'm so pathetic...

I can certainly identify with the feeling of being adrift in social situations, although I must admit that I am unlikely to be of much help in that area as I have no friends or acquaintances. I do not, however, feel you are pathetic.

Do you do anything that causes others to reasonably reject you?

I know what you mean, I go to 99% of places alone too. I am so used to being alone that it would be kind of weird if I wasnt. I am not really sure what to do about it. Perhaps I might try out some new social groups or other things, I dont know.... I dont think you are pathetic anyway.

Nothing that I see, but i have to be giving off something because most people think i'm creepy, especially when they don't know me. Those that get to know me better, like at the church and a couple of restaurants that i frequent, warm up considerably, but the general public thinks i'm to be avoided.

Normally i'd be fine with just the small number of acquaintances from the church; i'm not necessarily hurting for that level of friends. But the hole in my life runs much deeper, in a place in my heart that only a lover could fill. And there are no suitable candidates at my church, since most well-adjusted people leave when they go to college and don't come back until after they're married. The throwaway line I hear at this point is "then just expand your social circle", but that is impossible for me... I can't go anywhere new without pants-shitting fear.

This. People always ask why I have no problems generally going out. There have been a few exceptions of unprofessional harassment tho.

A girlfriend or intimate relationship might do you well. Sometimes people generally are just handmade for that type of thing. My fear personally wouldn't be that you couldn't get one but that you get one and find out it has its own challenges as well. A human doesn't stop being a human because of a few words or a ring on the finger. We're heavily flawed and sometimes just downright insane (by our own general standard) individuals and the mask comes off indoors.

You think I don't want a relationship? That's probably my greatest desire in this world. Just one person that I can connect with on such a deep level. Someone that's there for me when the entire rest of the world isn't.

Oh, and i'm a sucker for affection too... it's like my drug.

All that said, people keep telling me to "expand my social circle", as if that was the easiest thing to do in the world. But I just plain can't... it's so crippling to even go out into unfamiliar places by myself. I can introduce myself to people easily when i'm in a familiar place, and I can go new places surrounded by familiar faces... but I just can't let myself get surrounded by unknown (and thus potentially hostile) people...

Not at all, I think you do want a relationship. You're probably absolutely correct as to what your wants are. But are you this is the only thing needed to "fill" the place in your heart? Is what I was asking.