Waiting. I hate it.

Post Reply New Topic

I am currently on an indefiinite leave of absence from my university. I was originally going to start again last month, but my psychiatrist advised me against it, saying there were a few more issues I needed to sort out (i.e. my erratic sleeping habits and a plan in place for when I do get back). I am working on these things with her, am eating right, meditating and exercising daily. Even still, I feel sad and purposeless. I've decided to return in January, but my concern is that I will feel pathetic and useless up until then. i defiinitely feel this way now.

I look for jobs nearly every day. No one contacts me. I've been doing some networking for my autism presentation stuff, but again, no one is really showing interest.

I feel bored, listless, and most of all, useless and incapable.

I also really need money to pay for all of my school expenses and to pay rent in order to live on my own. I have a strategy as to how I am going to make this money, but in order for me to do this, I have to move out. I really need to move out of my parent's house, since we live out in the country...I can't drive on my own yet, so I am very isolated. I lived on my own for a few years before the mental breakdown that prompted the leave of absence, and I miss it. At the same time, I am afraid that I will keep screwing up and screwing up, while everyone else carries on with their lives and actually accomplishes stuff. Every few years I get depressed and collapse. My last major breakdown was in 2007. It was worse though...I ended up in the hospital.

I hate this area, and miss having my own schedule without letting my parents know everywhere I'm going. I miss the city, and taking the bus across town. When I lived there, I used to see friends quite a lot during the week, now I'm lucky if I even want to get out of the house. I hate the town my school is in. Everyone there and in my program seems to be the type I am least likely to get along with. I feel so lonely there.

I had an 88 average before I left school. All I want to do now is bounce back and show everyone how capable I am. I know I'm intelligent, but the sad thing is I will have anxiety and panic that gets so bad, that I will think otherwise. And I HATE going to class and being in a room with a hundred other students. I hate being a part of the herd. They are likely more interesting and have better ideas than I do. I hate feeling incapable. My psychiatrist is great at helping me disconnect from this though, and now that I have her, I will be better able to work though my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. One year ago, I did not have her, nor any support. and that led to my breakdown.

I hate waiting. I just want school to start NOW so I can prove myself wrong.

Hi Anneurysm. You sound so much like me. I was on an indefinite leave of absence from my university also. Technically I still am but a couple years ago I started to think... or finished thinking really that a structured teacher-feeds-students-information environment is not the place for me. The reason I wanted to get back there was so that I could live up to other people's expectations and so I would not feel lost and like I had fallen hopelessly behind other people my age and was floating off somewhere else.

But. I think I was meant to float off somewhere else.

Well it stands out to me that you don't like your university. Would you like another one better do you think, one with smaller classes and people you relate to more - would that be the path to achieving the goals you most want to achieve? Or would it be something not involving a university degree?

I wish you luck. Having too much alone time to be stuck reflecting on our own thoughts though is awful - I've been there and I know what you're going through.

If there's any way you can distract yourself do it. Reading, hobbies, anything.

Thank you for the support The university itself is not the problem, there are just certain unavoidable things there that make me anxious. My psychiatrist and I are working closely to ensue that when I go back, there are strategies I can use to feel less anxious and a plan in place in case things get too overwhelming.

As for now, I am busying myself with stuff I know I'm good at...my autism pursuits. It's something rewarding, and something people value me for. Things are looking up.

I do feel for you, anneurysm. I've been where you are now before (and still am, sometimes) and I know it is reallly, really, killing you every minute of every day. Wish you luck.