I'm 25 and I'm still bullied by kids

Post Reply New Topic

I need advice.

When I was younger, I did have a few bullying experiences, but nothing too bad really - I was lucky enough to have 2 or 3 decent friends to make my life at school bearable. But the bullying that did happen has shaped how I perceive the "kids" who like to stand around on street corners for seemingly no reason at all.

I am petrified of them. That's no exaggeration. Walking home in the evening is a deeply traumatic experience sometimes. Although most of the time it's just kids 'noticing me' - yet inexplicably failing to notice the other stranger, sometimes it's insults - sometimes it's inane queries such as 'how old are you', 'what do you do', and a lot of the time it's just insults such as 'twat' or 'dickhead'. It has never really been violent, except once.

A couple of years ago, something happened which has really reduced my confidence. I was walking home from work, when about 6 kids who were probably playing football in the street, aged from about 8 to 14, suddenly started insulting me. All that was going through my head at that time was "why!?" I'm an adult ... why me!?" I just continued walking, ignoring them.

They were taking delight in the fact they could insult and hit me (though not very hard) without me doing anything in retaliation. One even spat on my back (really nastilly). I did nothing to these people - I just wanted to walk home in peace. They don't know me, they don't appear to do this to any other strangers - why me?

I never understood why they did it. Other kids aren't as bad but the barbaric mentality is still there. Perhaps I reacted in the wrong way ? Perhaps they're expecting a joke or something interesting from me ? Perhaps instead of ignoring them I should try to act interested in them - which is impossible because I can't do this with people I like. I don't know.

When I walk home and I pass kids, I very often attract some kind of attention. I can't think of any major reason - (apart from my AS, which they cannot know about) - why this happens. I have small shoulders - that's about it - that's all I can think of.

What am I doing wrong? Should I take off my glasses? Should I work up some muscles? Should I hit back? What the hell can I do? I'm a nervous wreck - when I see a bunch of kids - of any age - I am in petrified.

I've tried taking alternative routes home from work but there are kids everywhere. I can't afford to drive, and I can't afford to move.

I guess it must have something to do with my AS - as well as my fear - am I giving off bad signs? Should I make eye contact with them, frown at them, insult them back, confront them?

I have a terrible fear that when I reach my 30s this will continue. I'm very depressed by this.

There's something about us that tends to draw these kinds of people towards us.

The same thing happened to me when I was younger circa 1993. I would be riding my bike somewhere and people whom I've never seen before would point me out and stare or laugh at me.

I always theorized that everyone who was 13 and 14 years old in town had been shown my yearbook picture (which is why you won't find mine in any of my high school year books) and were told when they saw me to laugh, stare, and make fun of me becuase I deserved it.

Well now I know better. I was probably giving off some kind of non-verbal signal that said I was vunerable and should be made fun off.

Confronting people though, hmmmm, thats always gonna be a tough one. The easiest thing to do is not let them start up on you to begin with. Once an antagonist gets his ball rolling one somebody. Anything he/she may do to try and stop such an act, short of exchanging fists, is only going to have the opposite effect.

Just how to achive that though??? That's the $64,000 question.

You speak of feeling of trauma when you walk home. Have you ever considered being evaluated for PTSD?

Those kinds of people can feel the cringe, it provokes them. They're wrong, of course, and morally defective, but that's an aspect that can be dealt with. I'm thinking of martial arts. Not because you're going to do anything to anybody, but because it would automatically get rid of the cringe. You wouldn't be thinking, "Why? Why me?" - you'd be thinking of the moves you've learned, which ones you're good at, and so on. Your 'vibes' would be different, they'd pick that up and move along. That's what I believe, anyway.

Did I do it myself? Of course not. I'm afraid to go! I'm old and fat, and those classes are full of energetic young people ...

yeah these kids have a geek radar, they dont know your an aspie, but they see it.
i would go psycho and smash on or two of them.........they wont do it again.
but you see because i "would" do that and even be prepared to do that.....they woudnt hassle me cause i give them the "not today look" and i would back it up with action too.

you give them the "victim" look without realising it...tough call dude.........maybe one day you need to stand up to them ..........bullies see this and respect it.

This is realy hard - like donky said these kids (like all kids) have a geekdar!

I know how you feel - I was actually bullied realy badly at school, every day of the week! And I was at boarding school! So make that 7 days a week for months at a time. I was a wreck when I left.

I am now 38 and I still get the spookies walking past kids or teenagers who look like they have street cred. I can feel anxious about it, and try to avoid eye contact and stuff.

I have tried to trhrow off the radar a bit, and it can work. Walk with your shoulders set, your head high and your chest out, look confident, not scared, as that is like a red rag to abull with this type. Practice looking mildy pissed off in the mirror, it is easier than trying to look tough, but has very much the same affect on others who can rarely tell the difference in my experience.

Don't go thumping them, they are teens, your in your mid twenties - you don't want to have some kids big brother or worse, dad waiting for you next time you go by! BAD IDEA!

Practice walking with confidence - go to the gym and build up a bit of muscle if you think you can do it (I hate the gym!) Stride allong like you own the place, looking a bit pissed off, don't obvously avoid eye contact, but don't look at them as this is an invitation for them to shout at you. If they ask you stupid questions, give them mean answers "How old are you" Answer - old enough, but say it like you are trying to say something else a lot tougher, if you can. "What do you do?" - Whatever it takes!, with a mean glint in your eye!

Or try being friendly - How old are you - "Old enough, what you got in mind?" with a big cheeky smile! What do you do "Whatever I can get away with", like you are making a joke - try and be conpiratorial, like you are joining in with them.

I know how hard all this is, it has taken me many years. You know what I did when I was 21 - I joined a group called the Guardian Angels, patroled the London Underground with them for about 8 months. Safety in numbers, and all that - it gave me confidence.

I am tallish but very skinny! Not a tough cooky, 5 foot 10 and 9 stone! But for some reason, a lot of people are scared of me - even my wife sais my looks scare her when I am pissed off! And I get looked at by these types, but left allone. I supposed I have developed an aura. If the worst comes to the absolute worst, I'll come for a walk with you!

Any way - only tryin' to help! My ideas may be good, or may be bad. Let us know how you get on....

Take care, and walk with confidance! (Or, Walk like an Egyption )lol

Don't worry about it. Kids are just stupid.

Kid 1: HAHA!! You're a twat!

Kid 1: HAHA!! You're a dork!

Reckoner: HAHA!! You'll be working at McDonald's when you're fifty!

reckoner

I think trying to ignore kids who are rude to you is probably a mistake. They are trying to get attention, and ignoring them - will inspire them to escalate their attempts to get your attention. Avoiding eye contact, hunching your shoulders and turning slightly away, could be interpreted as a sign of fear.

At the same time you probably don't really want to challenge them with too much eye contact. What I do is make sure I meet the eye of the biggest/dominate one and then look back to where I'm going - if he or she says hi, I say hi back - its rude not to and that gives them an excuse to be rude to you. If they start asking questions, I say "gotta get home, later". If they ask a rude personal question I answer "how rude! none of your business". But they almost never do.

And there is a certain advantage to acting or looking slightly crazy - doing stuff that is a little bit unexpected. Crazy people are feared by most everybody. Being just a little bit louder or more in their face than you should. However I'd save this for after I'd done some regular self defence training. When I'm walking, I try to keep an eye out for escape routes, ambush places, other people who might help if trouble starts, and I never try to ignore the scary people.

A couple of basic things that might help are some mirror glasses, so they can't see your eyes, they can't tell if you look at them or not, and a hat with a (narrow) brim - also makes it hard for them to read what you're doing. I found I get a lot more respect from people when I wear mirror glasses than when I don't and they can see my eyes and know I'm not paying due attention to them.

But if these kids really scare you - definitely do some self defence classes - how to get yourself out of trouble if there is any, and you should be a little more confident, and the problem should reduce.

That's bad to hear. I used to have this problem too.

Maybe you should work on your body posture? As people projecting "vulnerable" body language are usualy just picked out imediatly.

Reckoner, hi - just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I'm 32 and this still happens to me - not as much as it used to, if I'm honest, but still does happen. I can never figure it out either, what seems to attract them to me. I see other people sometimes, who, for one reason or another, would seem to be a far more obvious target, and they're totally ignored; it's me who gets it every time.

I can suggest a couple of things that are probably a passive response and not as good as other people on this thread have come up with, but nevertheless:

If there are other people around, walk as close as possible to someone else going in your direction. I can virtually guarantee you no kid is going to shout anything, because of the risk that the other person near you might think it's them they're shouting at and come over and belt them even if they think you won't (so if person #2 is a reasonably hard-looking guy, even better). In fact, they're not going to do *anything*, because kids like these are cowards, and they're only going to make a move if they have you isolated.

Wear earphones. You can always see the wires of someone with earphones on quite clearly, and what idiot of any kind is going to waste their breath shouting at someone who almost certainly can't hear them?

I also know how you feel. I am 20 and I am still bullied by kids and teens. I think it is because there is written on my forehead "YOU CAN PICK ON ME IF YOU WANT", and all NTs can see it. They all react differently, some of them make fun of me, some of them ask "what's wrong with you?", some of them ignore me, some of them say "That's cool, I've never seen a person with such thing on her forehead before, do you want to be my friend?" Do all, or most of aspies have this thing on their forehead?

I got mp3 player with earphones this summer. I walked down the street once, I came across a teen gang. They started to make fun of me, I couldn't hear them, but I noticed their body language. I just stood there and stared at them, they didn't seem real to me, because I couldn't hear their words. They couldn't see my earphones because of my long hair.

What does the word "geek" mean? I looked it up in a dictionary, but I can't understand, can you explain it more?

I was in a Grocery Store with one of the more hip Staff from my Clubhouse, quite a few years ago. Two Chinese men were looking me and one of them said, "Look at that Nerd, over there." Than they've walked past me, and that same man yelled, "Nerd!" I've started laughing, because the word, Nerd reminded me of Austin Powers.

I had a problem with this one kid where I used to live. I was about 30 years old, he was 11.

He had taken a dislike to me, and had no respect for me.

One day he was with a friend when I walked past them. After I passed them the kid started throwing rocks at me. I knew if I did not stop it right then and there, the harrazment from this kid would take no end.

I turned around, knew I had to confront him, and started walking towards him, rocks hitting me in the face, on the body. I was scared but also angry. Luckily the kid got scared also and ran, shouting names at me. He never bothered me again.

I think people have given you some good advice here.

I don't get teased by kids very much. I do get nervous when I get near them. I was in Spokane last week and I was walking and one of the kids yelled something at me from the car she was riding in as he went by and it made me jump and she laughed. She looked to be a teen. There was a guy that yelled boo but it didn't scare me and then there were these group of little kids under 12 and one of them kept trying to scare me by yelling boo and all but I ignored it. I didn't take it personally. I just said "Kids," and moved on. I don't know if they do it to other people or just to me because they saw something about me that was different. I was having too much fun to even worry about it.

Hey I wanted to thank you all for the replies. Some of them were really good and I appreciate the good advice. When I said 'traumatic', that might be an exaggeration - but it does worry me a great deal.

I took a long hard look in the mirror today and decided I could definately do with improving my posture and start to work out a bit - though I've never really 'worked out' in my life, I think it's time I did something about it.

It also helped me to realize that if I'm giving off all this 'wrong' body language to kids, everyone will be picking up on it.

Once again thank you all.