Help?

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I really don't know how express myself properly, but WP is full of the smartest people I've ever encountered, so maybe someone can figure out what I mean.

I don't know what to do... about anything... at all... ever. I have zero motivation and virtually no desires beyond basic biological functions. I feel very little. I can imagine any number of possible futures, but none of them seem compelling to me. Conversation seems banal. Art seems shallow. Food is uninteresting. Sex seems totally alien.

Background: 30-something male aspie. I've dealt with mild depression and moderate social anxiety on and off over most of my life. I think I've coped fairly well. In my twenties, I became a paramedic, which turned out to be a poor career choice. The stress sent me to a pretty bad place. In my late twenties, I began developing symptoms of the same genetic neurological disorder that my mother deals with. It causes joint pain and distal neuropathy. Symptoms are degenerative and progressive. About six months ago, my partner of 11 years left me. We parted on reasonably good terms, but I haven't talked to her since.

Over the past year, I've taken steps to deal with these issues. I found a good neurologist who is working with me to treat the neuropathy. I take medication that manages the symptoms very well, and I quit using alcohol for pain relief. I began seeing a psychologist who helped me with my anxiety. I'm now relatively stress-free, and I don't have panic attacks any more. I've though a lot about my ex, and I've realized how unhealthy our relationship was. I understand that we're both better off apart, and I've overcome much of the guilt and feelings of worthlessness that stemmed from that time in my life. I started working out and eating better. I've lost weight and repaired some of the neuromuscular damage caused by the neuropathy.

In sum, I've done a lot of work over the past year to remove a lot of pain from my life. But now that the pain's gone... there's just nothing left. (Dear god, that sounds so f*****g emo.) I recognize that my feelings are symptomatic of depression. My psychologist was ineffective at treating that. I hesitate to use any kind of antidepressant medication, as they can interfere with the neuroleptics I take. I just feel like I need a direction or a goal, but everything I think of seems pointless or contrived or silly. I'm no good at lying to myself. Slogans and platitudes do nothing for me. Every reason I can give my self to get up and move seems hollow. Everything is just another way to waste time.

I'm not good at talking to people about emotions... mine or their's. I can't imagine how I would even begin to explain this to a friend or my family. I just don't know what the f**k to do, or why I should do anything at all. I'm no good at asking for help. I feel like an attention whore for asking here. Please forgive any typos. If I reread this, I might delete it.

f**k.

I don't believe that all of us need great dreams or lofty goals. I don't have them and am fairly content to scrape by. I go to work, grateful to have a job (though many would call it a dead end job) and am relieved when I get to go home or have a day off. I do look forward to my visits with my adult children who live in other states and enjoy short visits and encounters with friends.

Marbledog, you've worked hard. It's too bad that a little contentment is missing from your life.

Do you mind if I dig a little; ask questions?

Do you have a job? Do you have a dog?

I don't suppose I need a lofty goal. Just one that seems worthwhile. A purpose, I suppose. Perhaps that's just another dodge, though.

I have both a job and a dog. My job is painless, mindless, and pointless. I don't hate it.

My dog is wonderful.

I like being able to support myself and that is a source of satisfaction for me. Last summer my adult daughter stayed with me and so did Crosby her like-a-lab. I never had a relationship with a dog before and was completely taken with Crosby. At the time, I had a home business and my daughter was working at a company. So Cros and I had time togehter. (He loves chicken skin, butter slivers, tennis balls, car rides...)

Crosby figured my work routine out in one day and lounged when I was working but the moment I took a break, he was up and alert to my every signal. I have never been taken so seriously by any other individual in my life. I'd like to have a dog but honestly cannot afford to take care of one. There'd be no money for the vet. But I'm glad to know about wonderful dogs now, it's enriched my life, just knowing.

What insight into life does your dog have for you? Simplicity, gratefulness, trust, a need for more natural light in winter? I dunno. But a wonderful dog might know.

Marble; do you know how to train dogs? I've become fascinated with working dogs and their trainers. Especially cadaver dogs and search & rescue dogs. I am enthrolled with the idea of man & dog working together, the dogs giving us their valuable contributions from their talents, athleticism (like sled dogs) and know how.

I was following the Casey Anthony trial in Florida. One of my favorite quotes in the whole trial was from Kristin Brewer one of the cadaver dogs' handlers. When asked by the defense attorney; Ma'am, do you give your dog treats when he gives an alert? Her drawled response was; No Sir, Bones gets treats just for bein' a dog. Gerus and Bones both alerted on the same spot independantly. Some stuff; dogs just know.

Crosby is from the South. Born & raised in South Carolina. He was up here for 15 months in 2009-10. He coped with a very sloppy inconvenient winter 2009 in a neighboring town. He's back home now in SC.

Here's a dance for you; Carolyn & Rookie:
http://youtu.be/kDqFZoSCkPY

I can train a dog for simple stuff: housebreaking and basic commands. Training a working dog is a whole other matter.

Dog training is actually much easier than it looks. Dogs were the first domesticated animal. We have been living together for at least 10,000 years. Their primary evolutionary strategy is their ability to please us. They are very good at interpreting our desires and intentions. If you get a dog young, you can train them to do practically anything, so long as you don't exceed their mental capacity.

If I've gained any insight from my dog it's this: unconditional love is easy, if you're willing to surrender yourself to another.

There's an old joke that goes thus: Place your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and lock it. Wait an hour... then open it. Which one is happy to see you?

It's silly (and a little misogynistic), but it illustrates the point. No matter who you are or what you do, you're a hero to your dog. I've read that Hitler had dogs. To them, he was the greatest man that ever lived. That kind of love requires at least a little blindness. To truly and completely love another person, you have to accept and love everything about them... warts and all. Once you make that surrender, commit yourself to loving that person no matter what, everything else is easy.