More depression...

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And the only thing I can think to do is self destruct....all the methods of suicide I can think of are either far too painful and would be likely to fail or I don't have access to any weapons other then a knife.....but my boyfriend gave that to me to defend myself just in case so I can't use it for that. plus I guess I am still kinda curious to see what happens in my hellish life.

But I see no real reason to start working on my diet to try and get above underweight, half the time I am too depressed, anxious or numb to enjoy food anyways. I see no reason why I should not start drinking more again....at least I feel a little better if I am regularly drinking. Also, if I enjoy the feel of toxic ciggerette smoke in my lungs when I take a drag......why should I quit? Maybe if I just live a lifestyle that insures I probably won't live past 80 if even that might be the best way to go......besides I hate myself, and I feel like I will fail everyone. I don't know why I decided to get into a relationship when I know how mentally f*cked up I am....I'm just going to ruin it cause he's depressed to but he still wishes it would get better........I'm past that point so what optimistic words can I possibly offer when he feels depressed or anxious?

I was just sick of being lonely.....I didn't know I would get attatched so easily this time once again. So yeah to put it all simply my life seems like a really bad trip.....and everyone knows bad trips aren't very much fun.

It sounds like you are not able to enjoy much of anything cause of how depressed you are - food, your relationship, nothing. Except smoking, maybe due to its addictive quality? I empathize... I just feel like only something medical could help at this point. I just started taking the maximum dosage of my medicine cause I've been feeling so horrible and it's better than the lesser amount I was on, which is better than the next-to-nothing-of-it I was on before, which is better than no medicine at all. I feel like if you are unable to get pleasure out of the most basic things it's necessary to seek medical help, cause what else could make you feel better. It's an an illness, it's not just having a bad day (every day)... it needs all the treatment it can get.

Well I enjoy the relationship......makes me less lonely and I feel I have a pretty connection with the guy I'm in a relationship with, but I am just afraid I am going to fail at it cause I'm so depressed and f*cked up I feel I'll just make things worse. Honestly I just don't know I have the energy for any sort of treatment or the financial means especially considering its possible I could fail this semester of college and be left with close to nothing then I really can't afford treatment.....its funny I'm too depressed to do my freaking schoolwork which means I'll fail, which means I'll probably get cut off from financial aid which means I still wont be able to afford any diagnoses which means I might as well not even apply for SSI again since you have to have at some point been able to afford a diagnoses and thus official documentation that you have some problems to get approved for SSI no matter how much you despretly need a little income.


It would probably be easier for everyone if I was dead....thats what I am starting to think.

Oh and now I feel even greater since my boyfriend does not want to hang out till thursday now since its too much of a hassle for me to have to only see him for a while tommorrow usually I just stay the night and so its no problem....I'm probably just jumping to conclusions but now im worried he does not want to hang out as much and trying to break things off or some sh*t.

Seriously WTF! i suppose I gotta talk to him when I do see him on thursday and see what exactly is going on.....because I really can't deal with it if I don't know what the hells going on I guess.

It would not be easier for everyone if you were dead. That is a result of depression. I'm sure your family and your boyfriend would be devastated, but I understand you yourself are in pain, so most importantly, you would miss out on the future you said you were curious about. You had said you had an interest in psychology or sociology and I really think you could do a lot of great work in those fields given your personal experiences with mental illness and Asperger's and your desire to help others (like your boyfriend). Whatever field you go into you're a great person who deserves to be happy and can be happy.

Could you see if the student health center does diagnoses, or if they could refer you to a place that does? I know I keep talking about your student health center but mine was really helpful and had a lot of resources, I'm just thinking it can't hurt to see what help they can give you.

Oh sorry I posted without seeing this. Auggh. It is really frustrating to not know what's going on in that realm. I know it's hard but try not to let that stress you out too much, for your own good...

Honestly sociology and psychology are just helping to drive me insane........I am supposed to have a psychology essay done by thursday and I have yet to start because I chose PTSD since I already did Depression and I should have started months ago. I really screwed up this semester because of how useless I am. And all anyone wants to talk to me about is how I'll somehow make it through and should focus on what I want to do with college(according to the disability department). I've already ruined this semester probably and am burnt out on college and no one can seem to understand that....no one seems to understand college means nothing to me anymore I don't even know that it ever did.

and sure those people might be 'devestated' but less pain for them in the long run........I mean I would rather them see me dead than so mentally messed up I can't freaking function and that seems to be the direction my mental health is going I mean I can't even right that essay especially by thursday and thats a rather large chunk of the grade so I'm screwed.

Also when my mom finds out how horribly I did this semester she's just going to accuse me of spending too much time with my boyfriend and being lazy......when I've been really struggling ever since the second week of this semester before I even met the guy hanging out with him made me feel less lonely its not like I was going to spend the time I spent with him doing anything other then struggling to just get a few assignments done for some credit and then sleeping or sitting there doing nothing with a blank stare on my face cause I'm either spacing out or stuck in my head with all my negative thoughts/feelings and emotions.

Its alright I am probably just overthinking that bit, all that happened was he asked if i wanted to hang out for a bit tommorow, and I said I would like to but might not be able to unless I could stay the night since the bus system kinda sucks and I would end up only having a couple hours and then having to go all the way back to my house and get up for class the next day.....so he suggested thursday.

I don't know why I would take that as him wanting to hang out less, he probably just has stuff to do or something.....if it is more then that I guess I'll find out but should not jump to any conclusions or stress about it right now.

Hmm, well is the disability office separate from the menatl health center? If so I would try to go to the mental health center cause their goal would be mental health rather than success in your classes necessarily.

If I were you that's what I would do first thing tomorrow. In my experience it's pretty impossible to try to get things done when you're just not feeling good due to illness. I know how it is with people not understanding that depression/anxiety is real and incapacitating... I'm not sure there will be an immediate turnaround in your mom's mind over these issues since it's just so ingrained in the minds of society at large that mental illness is not real illness but weakness/laziness, but official documentation from a therapist or somebody could only help I imagine.

It's really good you've found someone who brings some amount of happiness/relief/understanding to your life. I know it's not a cure but loneliness compounds depression so that seems really good, even though relationships can bring their own kinds of stress... I am glad to hear that that's a spot of niceness in your life. I have to say you definitely aren't useless at all, you have written about how much you care about your boyfriend and it definitely makes me feel less alone to communicate with someone (you) who goes through the same sort of struggles I do... I think you're just a very relatable person, and that's one strength of many no doubt, and inability to finish schoolwork due to illness doesn't change the fact that you have many strengths.

Ah gotcha. Yeah, sounds like you might be worried in general and worrying about something that is actually fine. Your plan sounds like a good one.

My college does not have a mental health center anymore because they cut the funding for it...which is just wonderful right. But yeah maybe I should just go into the disability office and not sugar coat it this time.........last time I said I was struggling with my classes because of my depression and anxiety and they gave me tips to maybe manage my time better but that did not really help.........so maybe I should just say its half way through the semester, I've have not gotten much done at all and am so severely depressed I probably am not going to make a come back towards the end of the semester and then ask what they suggest.

Also I sometimes wish I did not care about anyone........I mean what good does it do if I care about my boyfriend or anyone else when I am so afraid people will just abandon me I mean its only happened lots of times so I can't even trust that any relationships I develop will last at all. I feel like even family members of mine don't really care that much anymore my mom seems to but there is so much she does not know about me that it does not help much.

replying to myself again...anyways I will probably feel guilty about it tommorow. But I am drinking a beer and might have another one because at least that feels a little better then I feel now. I would just smoke some cannabis but its rainy and cold outside and I cannot very well smoke a bowl in my moms house........she would not be happy I can garantee that.

I'll feel guilty because I hate drinking to feel better.

It sounds like a very good plan to go to the disability office and just tell them what's what. I really hope they are of help to you.

I know what you mean. I worry about being abandoned too and have a very hard time trusting that people won't abandon me also. I know it's hard to say "it's worth it" when it causes so much grief and never-being-relaxedness... I don't know, I find that the only remedy is to trust even more, even though you don't have a reason to, and just put faith in the conviction that things are good and will get better, because otherwise you are walking around with the weight on the world on your shoulders. You have to have somewhere to put that weight so you are able to be relaxed and happy. Obviously that's the thinking part of it and the medicine part is another crucial part of the deal (for me anyway).

I'm sorry about the drinking deal. I just hope they can help you at the disability office so you don't feel the need to resort to drinking again cause it doesn't make you feel better. For what it's worth I always feel incredibly guilty after I drink for some reason, so you're not alone in that. I know you know that the reason is you don't like drinking to feel better... maybe that's my reason too, I myself don't even understand why people drink if not to feel better/in a more magical realm... probably a bad sign huh. Anyway yes I just hope the disability office can help you.

Well drinking is minor compared to some things.......last time I was feeling like this I was not actually feeling like this because I was on drugs most of the time. I was certainly drinking but I was also tripping on shrooms more often then anyone ever should, tried extasy, vicodin, acid and towards the end of this part of my life I decided to get really f*cked up while I was drunk and took 60 mg of adderall and some shrooms and then proceeded to go four days with no sleep with the help of more adderall. Then I ended up having to move back to my moms place and soon after decided to go with my dad who recently got out of jail and was heading back to Minnesota on his families property and was going to help with construction and painting of his parents house for a bit of income and said I could come with and help well I am pretty sure I spent more time drinking and smoking cannabis then helping with anything because his side of the family are a**holes and where making me feel like crap so it was easier to be stoned and drunk all the time so it did not effect me as much.

That all took place before I decided to start college again and now its been three semesters and for the past month I actually have hardly drank at all, I had one strong imported beer a couple weeks ago and the two Coors lights I drank tonight.....But I guess I might as well tell the disability office whats going on with my grades because they're going to suck so bad I probably will not want to look at them at the end of the semester.

Sounds like you have been faced with a LOT. It seems like since the disability office is the only thing available at your college you should tell them about your depression/PTSD/other issues too and see what referrals they can give to you. It is unfortunate there's not an actual mental health center at your college anymore... but hopefully they can help you at this office.

Yeah its worth a try I suppose....though I don't know if they can do much more to help honestly, but yeah its just really frusterating.