I REALLY need some help...

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my paternal grandmother, my ninny, and in some ways my mom passed away two days ago. I was taking it OK but now... not so much. I don't connect to ANYONE really in my life... but for her I waited to get married and she was there for everything to me. She was my center. Next to my husband she's the only one I will truely have issues losing and she's gone.

I understand the "not feeling anything really" I've felt that for the funerals in the past.... but how do I deal with this... death of the center of my world? Has anyone felt this way? How do you survive? Please, help.... I'm newly diagnosed and I'm so clueless as to how o get over this. my 6 year old cousin "wants to see ninny" soon- but he's OK with tomorrow and I really feeel like I need time with her today.... we'll see if I get it or not.... but has anyone gone through this? I just neeed... help. thanks.

I'm so sorry for your loss, losing somebody important to you is the hardest thing in the world whether you're Aspie or not. However I think our perseveration adds another dimension to grief because we torture ourselves with the same painful thoughts over and over again.

Don't be hard on yourself, if it's only been two days it's still really really soon, and if as you say you've been "taking it ok" then I think you've been in the shock stage and your real reaction is only just starting. I think it's important to grieve in whatever way you need to, shut yourself away and cry, punch walls, go and sit by a lake and contemplate the water, whatever, but know that with time it will pass. It might take months for you to feel ok again, and you will never really get over it, but you will learn to deal with it because life carries on. You are fortunate to have your husband so do reach out to him and let him comfort you. It might help you feel closer to your ninny to hold something that belonged to her and keep it with you. Know that although she may be gone, your love for her never will, nor will her love for you, and immerse yourself in the happy memories and be thankful for the time you spent with her.

I don't know if this helps any but I hope it does. My thoughts are with you.

So sorry to hear this. There are no words that will fix it, though I wish there were.

You have to let yourself grieve - that means feeling whatever it is you feel, whenever it is you feel it as this is something unique to you. There are no timings on how long it will take, only that in time it will ease but this is of no help just now.

I would agree with Pinnygig - have something physical to hold onto, something that reminds you of their physical presence, something tangible to cling to & if possible, something you can squeeze tight when emotions run high, sleep with (so an item of clothing maybe or soft toy?) & preferably something that carries their smell as it will comfort you in some small ways.

Take care x

Pinnygig- Thanks so much. I realize that this has just started. She was diagnosed with Stage Four Lung Cancer about a month ago. Just finished radiation after being home for a week. We think a blood clot caused the final blow... it's been a bad 3 weeks or so and I've spent every second that I could with her until I got the flu cause I didn't want her to have to fight that as well.

I KNOW that I'm only really starting to take it in. I was suprised, knowing how well I know myself, that I didn't have a total shutdown the moment I heard, or at least the moment I understood what was said. But for the last two days' I've been supporting my family and sad, but OK. I had to help two younger cousins (6/7) hear the news and deal with it.... then yesterday I started breaking down. Thank God for my husband! He held me till I (almost) fell asleep and when I woke up (I'm still dealing with lingering flu symptoms) I went and cuddled with my mom. (mental issues def. but probably undiagnosed BDP) I love my mom, really and honestly I do... but if I had to prioritize my connnection so somone could understand- my "gods" (highest possible level) are Ryan (an ex) my Ninny, and my Husband. They hold me to thius earth and I will more or less die when all of them are no longer here. Then there's humans whom I love- mommy, daddy, my internet friends, sissy, ect.... and then there's everyone else. My mom doesn't like my husband... he has had a hard time getting a job and that to her is the most important thing. but for me matty is my everything (especially now). And while Ninny was here I could deal with their animosity... but now that she's not I can't take it. I need a support group and I need mom and matt to acccept one another. so I said to my mom today "Mom, you have to love matt because without him, and with grandma dead, I would be nothing. He holds me to this earth. You can love him for being able to have me." And she just freaked out and exploded. I curled up into a ball and jlistened to it, doing my best to let it go in one ear and out the other. My aunt took me out of the house when I could barely walk and got me to my hubby and I'm kind of scared to go back to ninny's house but I have to cause it's my home for as long as the house is still ours.

I know there are tough times ahead... I just dont' know how to deal with this all and I wanted/need support wherever I can find this

oh, and my mom has her issues and she's dealing with them and she's not come to a total acceptance/realization of what my being an aspie neeed (if she ever will) and is saying often "Shayna, I cannot deal with your being an aspie rightnow" or "your problems" or whatever. gah. this is all so very difficult.

Giving advice isn't my strong point but all I can say is I feel for you. Just do whatever you have to in order to get through, whether that be crying or yelling or squeezing your hubby near to death. It's not a sin to break down. It's not weak. It sounds like you're already going above and beyond the call o duty by being as strong as you are. Cut yourself some slack honey you need a rest!

As for navigating the problems with your mother...you don't know just how much I wish I knew what to say. Just remember it's not your fault. If she's difficult, look to your significant others for support. If she doesn't like your hubby and is set in her views about him then you and she will just have to agree to disagree there. He is married to you not her, so ignore her protestations.

Apologies if this sounds too forward but I'd offer a hug if you'd accept it.

Thank you so much. I know I am far stronger than I should be... I inherrited that from my ninny who was as stubborn as a bull.. but it does feel weak to not be strong...

And I totally understand not-knowing what to say.... I feel the same onl not knowing what to do. I've sat down and talked to my family and I think we're all going to start working to make life livable. the problem is that up to now (I'm 22) we've opperated with her thinking I'm a normal person/child and I'm not. and I've tried to be a normal person/child... and I'm not. and from here on out (according to our talk) we're going to try and work on living under the assumption that I am "different" and have "different" wants and needs. it's a tiny start... but hopefully it will all start being better.

It's not weak to break down, even if other people perceive it this way (not saying that ones you know do, just saying in general), and least of all amongst people who should by all means love and support you. So if you need to cry, do it. Do it only in close company if you must, but if you feel you have to let it out then let it out. Forget what anyone else may say; let them handle it however they see fit, but you are you and you have to cope with grief in the way that's best for you. Please don't feel guilty for doing so. You are only human. You are not letting your ninny down in any way shape or form.

It's good that you're managing to work things out with your family. Obviously I don't know your exact circumstances but from what I can gather you seem completely NT in your behaviour and emotional intelligence (please don't take that as an insult to Aspies; it's not. It's just an objective observation) and you appear to have the 'normal' trappings on an NT life. That said, I've met many Aspies who, like you (or like you seem to me) live completely NT lives to the nth detail, and you'd never know they had autism unless they told you. The flip side of seeming completely NT but in fact not being so is that people, even loved ones, can find it hard to accept that you are actually 'different'. You have to go out of your way to remind them how and why you think and see things differently than they do. They're so accustomed to just assuming that you're 'normal' and suddenly along comes a diagnosis that turns their world inside out. You may have felt it all your life, but they're coming to acknowledge that they don't really know you as well as they thought, and that's pretty daunting. But don't worry; although it's a steep learning curve you're making the best possible start by tackling it together.

Yeah.. not much to say here other than I hope you get through it.

My grandmother passed away a couple of months ago, she was one of two people I have, (my girlfriend the other). I don't know if anyone really understood some of my deeper issues more.

I agree, I don't know how you're supposed to go on when you lose such people.

greatsharkbite- it's almost impossible to explain some of the thoughts in my head. I am sorry for your loss as well...


in general- to the person who said my reactions seem very NT- therein lies the problem. I have NO DOUBT that NT's feel like this after anyone close to them dies... thats all good and well but the problem is that I don't know how to deal with such intense emotions. My mind has basically settled on "it's a play gone horribly wrong and eventually someone will yell "cut" and we'll start again from somewhere before she fell...." granted intellectually I KNOW that won't happen.... it seems to be my minds coping mechanism and I don't know what else to do/think.