An update on my own mental illness

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Realisations:

I am God, the father the almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen, of all losers. King of kings, lord of lords. Losers pray to me for the ability to lose just a little bit more since they can't even approach my shining glory.

I am not a musician - I masturbate constantly about being one, but, I'm not. I just masturbate a lot.

I am not a martial artist - I masturbate a lot about being as such, but, I'm not.

I am not an accountant - again, I masturbate about that a lot but, I'm not. I get paid $1,000 every other week to watch Youtube. If it were a real job I'd probably be fired in a month.


Trying to stop myself from masturbating about music I buy a video game and then find out lo and behold, I'm not even genetically fit to masturbate about masturbating. I don't have the genetic aptitude to play a simple game.

F*** me sideways, make me bark. I SHOULD slit my own throat right now. I won't for whatever reason, though if months from now if anyone finds out that I seppukued myself in traditional Japanese fashion - don't be in absolute shock at least.

I'm wholly, absolutely, 100% worthless. Lebensunwertes Leben - life unworthy of life.


Why am I posting this? As a favor. For anyone who even remotely likes me as a person - you've been defrauded, I"m a f&*(ing con artist . I'm at least happy that I'm drunk right now because I have the ability to say things that I'd be too worried to say sober. Not to say I'm not lucid but....f^&*....time to stop being polite and start being real. All of the "I am a mutant ret*d loser" aspies - I am them, I am all of them, housed in one human being, one man, one person.

I've never officially lost it here but, god dammit, its about f^&*ing time. People NEED to see me for what I am. I can pick back up my iron-clad social skills and resume my dishonesty in the morning. I just wanted to make sure its abundantly clear to anyone who didn't know though - I AM an absolute nut and an absolute loser. I need to make sure these words come out and get sent before the self guarded 'me' comes back, cleans this up, and tries to hide it.

Again, I may delete this in the morning but for whoever saw this - don't ever in your lives forget that you did. Also, please keep a copy of this on pdf or on file in case I *ever* try to deny it.

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 19 Nov 2011, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your a moderator ? :s

Drink will do that, sometimes. Just do your best tomorrow.

Last edited by jrjones9933 on 18 Nov 2011, 10:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

this is disturbingly familiar. The serious tone, the crafty language, the narcissism mixed with cripplingly low self esteem, the reference to many people deep down, the reference to a real person underneath...the generally negative vibes..

Well, at least I'm not alone in the world!

You're not those bad things you say you are. I don't know the details of all that you're talking about but if you like music and try to do stuff with it, you're a musician. Same goes for any other pursuit. You're a very thoughtful person in both senses of the word. I hope you're feeling better later and can see that you're not a monster in the least, you're very genuinely good.

Lol, no. Was. Alex doesn't delete tags. I will say this in my defense at least - I only got involved with my duty insofar as dealing with external troll attacks. There was one particular point where an external site decided to bury WP in pages and pages of spam, I stayed up overnight even though I had to work the next day to make sure that as few people as possible ever found out that it even happened.

Other than that I really encouraged people to either work things out as well as they could themselves or, alternately deferred it to a higher authority. Think I did maybe one ban when a particular user was hitting the absolutes of beligerence and two warnings wasn't enough.

I won't say that I don't aim to be a good person but, I won't deny that the OP is me either.

At the same time, I feel like this is something about as apocalyptic to coming out as gay (I'm not but it feels like a similar magnitude). I'm dealing with 'something', I don't know what it is, but at the same time I feel like I've been behind roadblocks forever.

BTW - I think someone needs to sticky this. I'm a bit too crafty most of the time and and my one sole apocalyptic outburst could be lost in my guile.

I hope that you're feeling better, tomorrow.

i hope it helped you to post this, like popping a bubble. i think you are ridiculously hard on yourself, but at the same time... i know exactly what you mean.

it hit verrrry close to home on all counts, except that i am not currently working in my professional field (i am in a call centre job that requires none of my post-secondary education), and i have a defunct marriage (with a child) to also be insecure about. oh, also i get paid to go on WP instead of youtube.

really, though... be certain of this: we are all frauds on this earth, every single one of us. the successful people just promote themselves better.

Well I do not know if you where being literal about the masturbation, but that is a fairly natural human behavior.

This sounds like it's much deeper than whether you should consider yourself a musician or not.

Maybe I'm just not getting it, though.

i think he meant figuratively... people say they are just "masturbating" at something when it is only for their own jollies and has no practical purpose. but i could be wrong.

I thought you were being serious the whole time.

Sorry to be the one to do this ...

But, is mental "illness" appropriate?

It's communal/fact that autism is not a disease or illness,

It's ok to let the mask slip. I don't respect you less for posting this, I respect you MORE. I know what its like for everyone to constantly tell you how perfect you are while sometimes inside you hate yourself so much you feel like shaking them. I like to call myself a musician too but in reality I currently earn only a bit over $100 a week. In fact, at the moment I am so sick that's ALL I do. The rest of my income comes from the disability support pension. At my peak I was only earning $200 a week anyway, although I was also studying full time. The language is pretty deranged, but I think some of that is the alcohol talking.

The point, the truth, whatever you want to call it, is that none of this matters. What matters is being the best you can be while always striving to be better. Having dreams, goals and ambitions and working towards them - no matter at what pace, or with what handicaps. Never giving up hope, or giving up the fight no matter how bad things get, or how low you've sunk (I know what it's like to hit rock bottom). All that matters is you. Time and circumstance are ultimately irrelevant.

Btw, I WOULD be interested in working with you musically, I am so sorry I haven't responded yet. My own illness makes my thinking very scattered and i keep forgetting things. I am Definitly not well enough yet but I will keep it in mind.