Well, here's what she did today

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As some of you know from another post of mine, I have stopped talking to my mother. I cannot take her constant starting up of drama and interfamily fighting anymore. She is elderly and lives alone, and I do care about her though. I had cut back contact a lot with her recently and when I found out that my son and his drug addict gf had stolen $40, 000 from my MIL, and they had my mothers bank card at the time, I informed her of it. Because I didn't want them to steal what little money she had. She immediately called the drug addicted gf and told her which started up so much crap that we almost had to call the police.

That night I told my mother I am done with her and she was dead to me. I hadn't talked to her until today. Her phone had been turned off over the weekend and so today I went over with my phone so she could have hers turned back on. She accused me of everything she could think of. Wanting something from her, no I didn't, there's nothing she's got that I want. Lying about the gf of my son, I didn't say a word about that girl there today. Thinking that she (my mother) doesn't have sense enough to use a neighbors phone, well the last time I saw her she wasn't able to leave her apartment so I wasn't sure if she could now. Etc.

I'm done with her. Really done this time. I'm sure, in the not too distant future that I will get a phone call asking me to come spend the night because she isn't feeling well. I won't go. I will call her an ambulance, I will do what I can for her, because obviously I don't want her to die, but I will no longer be some person she uses for her own psychodrama and victimhood.

She said "You said I was dead to you, I was fine with that" I told her "Yes, that's a metaphor. Without a phone something could happen and you would be really dead, and I don't want that and I'm assuming you don't either. I brought mine over for you to use." She said "I don't want anything from you!". I left. Fine. I'm so, so, very done.

Frances

It sounds like mentally you are done, but I can't help but notice that you have not drawn final, firm boundaries. You are still willing to help her out of jams (phone, medical things), so you are not really done and she knows that.

From my experience, there is no cure for people like this. They live, breathe, and thrive on the conflict and drama they create, as long as they can center it upon themselves. Like a cancer or a weed, you have to starve them of their nutrition source. Withdraw your attention completely. She's a grown woman, most likely capable of caring for herself. Her phone, her potential medical issues are her problem. That being said, there are ways you can make sure that a dependent person is cared for without getting personally involved. Her physical needs are met, and your boundaries are maintained.

I agree, there's not much you can do about people who thrive on drama and conflict. My mother was like that, and I cut off contact with her for about 5 years when I was in my 20s, then after that we had minimal contact (a phone call on holidays, her birthday, whatever, but she knew better than to start anything with me because I told her I would cut off contact again if she did). We had to maintain a certain distance in order for any kind of relationship to work without it becoming verbally abusive. We were on speaking terms, but not much more, from the time I was about 25 until she died 6 years ago. It's sad when you have to be distant from your own family, but sometimes it is necessary.

~Kate