I feel more alone than ever

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Apologies in advance if this post ends up being too long, but it seems like I have no one in my life that I can talk to openly even though I'm surrounded by people. I've been in yet another depression spell that I'm just sort of coming out of, but I still don't feel better. I've told a few people that I considered to be good friends that I believe I have AS, and only 2 of them really listened, but neither of them are convinced I have it. Everyone else just dismissed it or told me I should go talk to a professional about it (obviously), which I assumed was their way of saying they didn't want to get too involved with it. Isn't that what a friend is for? Someone you can say exactly how you are feeling to without feeling like you're bugging them or something? I wasn't necessarily looking for someone to give me advice or tell me what I should do. I wanted to be able to be honest about how I felt about myself because I haven't been able to for so long. Am I wrong for reaching out to my friends about this? I have family, but my mother and I are nowhere near close. In fact, I find it hard to believe she's my mother sometimes. I don't feel emotional connections to people very often, but I've never felt one with her. My family has spent most of my life making fun of me and lowering my self esteem because they don't understand me. My sister and I aren't very close either, even though we get along.

I've been talking to this lady at a community psychology program that's run by Antioch university. She's a grad student, not a professional yet, but it's the only counseling I could afford since it's sliding scale and I don't have medical insurance. In our first 2 sessions, she asked me what brought me in to counseling, and when I told her I suspected I had AS and began describing why, she stopped me and said "...Let's put that on the back burner for now" and began talking to me about other things (my family, etc). I was really taken back and really annoyed by that, although I didn't say anything. She made me feel like maybe I was over exaggerating my problems or just being a hypochondriac or something. It's made me reluctant to go back to her, but I haven't found another place I can afford and I can't keep bottling this up or I think I may go crazy. I already feel like I'm crazy.

I feel disconnected from everyone around me. Hardly anyone that I have talked to about it has asked me how I've been doing or showed any interest in what AS is all about. I can't talk to them about everyday things we would normally talk about because this problem is basically the only thing on my mind, and it's even more difficult to put forth the effort to socialize. It has always felt like work to me before, and it feels even more so now. Realizing that I very very likely have AS has made me understand that I've been living my life completely wrong, in a sense. I've spent most of my life trying to emulate others because I never felt I had a real personality, or that what actually was my real personality wasn't good enough. I've always felt different from my peers, and really just wanted to fit in. I have vivid memories of mimicking people that I felt were cool or popular because I figured I would also be popular if I looked and acted more like them. Even when I was young, I thought it was strange that I did such a thing, but I didn't know why I did it and couldn't really keep myself from doing it. Being older now (26), I realize it still happens, but I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore until something happens that reminds me that I'm still different from everyone else.

So now I feel as though I've been living my life based on things that aren't really connected to my natural self, if that makes any sense at all. Like I have been a "poser" this whole time, and just never knew it. I'm not sure if the people I call my friends are really my friends or if they just learned to deal with me because I keep hanging around them. Or if I just misinterpreted my friendships as being closer than they actually are, and thus my expectations are skewed and I'm let down when they don't do certain things that I expect a friend to do. I have always felt that everyone else is closer to each other than I am to them, a conclusion I've drawn from being extremely observant of everything.

It's a strange feeling though, because while I want so badly to find someone to have a true connection with, at the same time I don't really want to be around anyone at all most of the time. I would always be so annoyed with myself whenever my friends were all out doing stuff, and I chose to go home. I couldn't understand why I didn't feel motivated to go out and socialize with everyone. Or I would go out with people when I could have, and probably should have, been doing something more productive because I didn't want to be left out. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm the kind of person who does not become energized by being around other people. Socializing is really tiresome, and my wanting to be at home isn't because I'm lazy or uninteresting (as I began to believe). And while in many situations, I can get through social gatherings without feeling or seeming awkward, it's becoming more and more difficult. I'm seeing how I don't really know how to start a conversation or keep it going, and my hatred for small talk is growing. Whenever I do go to parties, if I don't know many people there I'm totally lost. It'll be a really long time before I actually get the courage to speak to someone out of nowhere, if I do at all, and I sometimes get weirded out if someone just starts talking to me out of nowhere. I tend to cling to whoever I'm with because I'm too nervous to socialize with others, even if they seem nice.

The problem with all of this, it seems, is that no one can tell any of this about me because I guess I've gotten good at hiding it. Either that, or they just don't say anything to me about it. Over the years, I've purposely put myself in situations that involve me interacting a lot with others (volunteering, interning, college groups, etc), and it's forced me to learn to socialize and I've been able to pull it off (some times more gracefully than others). But those situations often never turned out the way I thought they would; thinking those situations would result in me developing close friendships or at least close working relationships and they never do. I always seem to end up on the outside looking in. People hardly ever turn out the way I think they will, and it confuses me. I'm starting to see how much I really don't understand people and all their complexities, and it makes me isolate myself more.

I feel like my identity is somewhat lost, and most of my relationships are somewhat artificial. I'm stuck in this ridiculous funk I can't seem to get out of. I know I need to make some serious life changes, but am not sure where to start.

Apology Accepted , it's way to long.

Yeah, well. Like I said, I don't have anyone to talk to. This is one of the only outlets I have. What else am I supposed to do.

This sounds exactly like what I have heard from friends I have told about my suspected AS. The response always seems to be, "but you seem so normal", or some variation of how I couldn't possibly have AS. Like you, I've learned to understand and participate in social conversation and superficial interaction; this is far from *enjoying* social conversations though, this however, they seem to not understand.

I would not read too much into the counselor's approach in your first appt. I've been to three and have had some success talking to them; after understanding that they too are people who are following a certain "protocol" to interacting with people. You have to understand that a large percentage of their clients come from broken/abusive homes, etc. That is why your family life is often the first topic; this is despite anything you may want to discuss. They just need to eliminate things from the standard checklist that applies to most people.

You say you need to make some serious life changes but do not know where to start. The hardest part for me when I have a radical realization about who I am and where I am in life is realizing that it is going to take time to process everything.

Just thinking about things and time - these are the only things that usually help. It is often the case though that these are the hardest things also. Hang in there.

I feel you will like to be around people as soon as you find people who are like you. Being around people who are like you makes the world of difference. Also being around people with a certain maturity level really helps. You always have the people here at WP.

I guess in short, Autistics and NTs don't mix well.

I've felt exactly like how you've described in your letter above, it was not too long- it was just right. Don't feel alone, others like myself have thought the same way at one time or another.

'NT's', ie, normal people, can't think beyond a few simple concerns. They all seem very shallow and superficial to me. I'd much rather have a lenghty indepth conversation with someone 'real', who actually has a few thoughts in his head that take more than a few sentences to spell out!

As for the therapist, try to get in with someone who has ABA training; this is best for Autistics. I've had it myself and it has helped enormously. They go through your whole life story, and don't just focus on a specific problem, as most concellors do.

Good luck!

Thanks for your replies everyone. They're extremely helpful and uplifting. Just what I needed

I can really relate to that OP. I've struggled with depression myself for 5 years(I started getting over it 3 years ago) & your experience with the counselor is like mine with them & psychs; I started feeling better after I quit going to them. I quite trying to have friends offline a very long time ago but I find posting about things on certain forums(like here on WP) & having a few people I can chat with online helped me find myself & understand things & feel a lot better about things. Your welcome to message me if you'd like to have an online friend to talk to.