To the OP: I wished the same thing myself about 5 years ago. I've posted this before but God answered by wish:
"I few weeks ago I had a powerful experience. I wouldn’t call it a dream. I needed to write it down so I can remember the full intensity of the experience. Also to be able to reflect upon it, both now and in the future.
It has taken me sometime to get it all down; I have laboured to get every moment, every feeling, every thought that I had during it down on these pages- there was a lot to it. It’s taken upwards of three weeks to get it all down completely. The experience started with a prayer to God I made the night previous. The prayer was; “To show me a path out of my dilemma, and to show me how I got to be where I am now.” I went to sleep that night and then I found myself in a familiar room from my past. I found myself in a spectacular room packed with Christmas presents, Christmas ornaments, and a Christmas tree. All unique in the fact that they were all composed of the same colours; black and silver. It was beautiful. It was breathtaking. It was simply astounding to be in the room.
I have a memory of being in that room, long, long ago, possibly even prior to my birth into this world. I remember being in the room and playing with many other children there, all of whom were equally astounded to be there. After playing for a while in this room the adults there began to give away Christmas presents to all of the children. I received my FIRST Christmas present there. I watched, as the other children opened their boxes and they received all kinds of toys, exquisite clothing and other gifts that were extraordinary to be sure, but I chose to wait till the end of the presentations to get my box towards the last. At my turn to receive a gift, what I found inside my box was a small floating glowing crystal.
The adults there asked me if I wanted it. I remember looking at it with intense curiosity. It shone brightly in silver, and then would fade to black- but even then when it was completely black, you could still discern that it was a beautiful crystal. Then after awhile it would lighten, it would become black for a while and then it would become somewhat silver, and then fade back some then again silver and then again black. Sometimes completely black and sometimes brightly silver. Some of the other children had received this type of crystal, as well, in their first Christmas presents. All of the crystals were similar, but each shone and faded at different intervals and for different periods of time. I examined some of the other lucky children’s crystals, some shone brightly silver most of the time, others would shine and then fade at regular intervals, others were erratic- shining and fading at seemingly random intervals. All were beautiful and all looked extremely fragile. All of the other kids who had not received a crystal were jealous of what the lucky children had received. It was like they had not passed some type of a test of character and they were not yet ready for this type of a gift. Again, the adults there in the room with me expressed some doubt, and asked me if I wanted my present? Again I looked and compared my crystal with what the other lucky children had, my crystal with this second look seemed somehow defective. My crystal had long periods where it would be completely dark, several periods where it would be between dark and light, and very short periods where it would shine brighter than any of the other crystals. Then it occurred to me that this wasn’t a defective crystal at all, but in fact, a unique crystal that was completely different from any of the others that I had seen. I said yes- I wanted my present, and this present, this present of this oddly glowing and fading crystal was actually the gift of a life in this world. I got my life out of it. The other lucky children got their lives out of their crystals as well, each life different from the next.
This time, now, that I was in the room, everything was the same except there were no other children here. I was equally astounded to be in this meticulously decorated room and yet, I had a sense that I didn’t want any of it. That it was just a memory from long ago, and that having matured to middle age- I didn’t want any of it anymore. It was like the passing of a stage. How many of the other children had settled for the shiny wrappers and the electric thrills, ornamental clothing and toys, and I, like a few other lucky ones, had waited till the last and received the most precious gift of all- a life, and now I didn’t want mine anymore!
And from here I felt I had passed a stage into another room up above the room I had been in. I was lifted up on a strange device that swung me back and forth, gradually upwards towards this other room further up above. This next room was an empty schoolroom, barren and empty except for a freshly shiny-waxed floor and a man in what appeared to be a security guard uniform. Several windowpanes let in a brilliant white light from outside that shone brilliantly on the freshly waxed floor. I was as a young adult here- where I had been as a child in the previous room down below. It was an unusual feeling because although I felt older than the child that I had been in the previous room, I was still younger that I actually am in my waking life? I took a quick glance out the window- it appeared to be a brilliantly beautiful day outside; this glance was enough to raise the eyebrows of the security officer. I then passed into yet another room.
In the next room I met a man, whom I felt I’ve known before, and he asked me “How my life had been?” I replied to him “It had been strange.” The man just shook his head in acknowledgement and we continued on. In this room there was a Janitor mopping the floor. I felt a sense of absolute calm-, which is very, very unusual, as I always have feelings of anxiety dragging me down whenever I’m awake and alert. I felt the man mopping the floor was in himself a metaphor for all of those who have contributed to me being where I was today. Of the men and women who had sacrificed and persevered for me to have the opportunities that I have today; such as the janitors who washed the floors of the school, when I was a schoolchild. I also felt a great sense of integrity in this janitor; he had a radiance of accomplishment about him. To some extent I felt in him some anguish and disappointment that I had not done anything constructive with the life I had been given. And despite this feeling, I felt completely calm.
I walked along to the next room, which was significantly larger than the previous room, and we immediately came upon others working in the room. In this room, the man I was walking with showed me several men milking male goats for sperm with a bizarre and repulsive machine, and the man asked me quite frankly “Don’t you want to know what there doing, and why?” My response was ‘that there is a time and a season for everything’, (from Ecclesiastes), it must serve some purpose for someone; somewhere at some time-I expressed to him that this is something fundamental to my outlook and to my belief system. He acknowledged this, and then he asked me IF I wanted to look closer at what they were doing? But my reply was that I found what they were doing was unpleasant, and obscene and that I didn’t want any part of it. He asked again. I took a glance over; the men would grab the goats by the throat and lift them up into the air while the machine tore away towards their abdomens mechanically like it was about to rotor-till a garden. As I looked on I was immediately disgusted and repulsed by what I had seen, I looked away. I then said firmly to the man that I didn’t want to know what they were doing and why? And I didn’t care what they did so long as I was not involved with it. I then felt that this was a metaphor for the sins of my life, particularly of the sin of buying and watching pornography, and of contributing to a culture of the degradation of women. It then occurred to me that the money I had spent in my life on pornography- WAS the reason that these men were doing these degrading things. That I was the reason why they were doing what they were doing, and that all of this obscenity was of my fault, and of my doing, for my purposes. I then felt that in the real world these things I have contributed to have real consequences, for real people- even if I wasn’t aware of them! With that insight it gave me passage into the next room.
We then passed into a lunchroom that was vacant except for a few women working tending to and putting away, what appeared to be coats and jackets. For a moment I felt I recognised some of these women, and for a moment, I felt the mood of the man I was walking with improve and lighten up. The man then departed for a moment leaving me alone with one of the women who was working tidying up. The woman asked me how I had been. ‘I said my life had been really tough and I was having an impossibly hard time coping with the stresses I had to live with.’ Other women then entered the room and proceeded to help the woman with her work. I tried to grapple with the feelings that this person with whom I was just talking too was someone I knew very dearly and someone I was very close with at some point before. Yet I couldn’t fully remember who she was? The man then returned and we continued walking on.
In the next room, it was a kindergarten classroom from the school where I went to when I was a child. The man then asked me what I had done for charitable causes in my lifetime. I told him other than giving occasional gifts in kind or in donating my computer time to scientific research programs; my resources were fully committed to my actual expenses. He again shook his head in acknowledgement. There were several people there, in this room, men and women working on strange machines. Which is odd because as an adult I could not identify what these machines were or what they were accomplishing? The man then told me firmly; ‘things have changed since you have last been here, we do things differently here now.’ I felt strongly that this was a suggestion that this is a place from the afterlife (or the beforelife) where I have been before; and things have changed markedly there since I have left. Then the man asked me a strange question; he asked me ‘if I had ever been murdered before?’ I replied, perfectly calmly, that other than a few suicide attempts in this life the answer was a definite no. Then the man and in fact, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and looked at me. The strange machines they were working on were silenced. Then suddenly I felt the presence of hundreds of other people in the room. Each one of them looking ghostly, with faceless heads and torsos- yet real people none the less, wearing only what appeared to be pale green sheets. Then, despite being absolutely calm, I felt a sense of foreboding... would the end of my life be as a murder victim?? I then wondered if I had answered the question honestly- have I ever been murdered before in a previous life? Have I actually ever lived other lives before that I can no longer remember, previous lives ones to the one I’m currently living?
Suddenly, there were more people in the room than there could possibly be inside the room given its size and dimensions. I felt all these people here had contributed to my life in someway; at sometime and at someplace and that these were their spirits in the afterlife. The spirits of the doctors who had developed the immunizations that had kept me healthy and alive, of the teachers who had educated me, of the soldiers who had died fighting in wars for the freedom I enjoyed, and of the farmers who had grown the food that I had eaten, and, in fact, of everybody who had ever been there for me in some aspect at some time, but only of the spirits of the ones who had since died. I then felt that I had some kind of an obligation to live up to, that all of these people had contributed to me in some way. I then knew if it wasn’t for their efforts I wouldn’t have been where I am now. I knew then that my life would have been far, far worse off if not for their efforts. But again, I also felt perfectly calm, and then I had a profound insight, I felt as if I had the singular ability to stand on the shoulders of all of these men and women from my past, and that I have an opportunity to accomplish something in my life after all, using the opportunities that they have provided me as a platform base to work from! This was one of the most empowering feelings I have ever known in my life.
There was something I needed to do in order to cross out of this last room and to go outside- into the actual afterlife. The man then said to me ‘Is it time for us to go outside?’ the man then started to walk me to the door. My last comment to the man was to ask him if I could have a candy before we went. This is reminiscent of the candies, which would be handed out at the end of the day in kindergarten class to the children who had behaved the best that day. Even though I thought this was humorous comment and that I was in earnest, the man shook his head in disgust and disappointment that I did not understand and that I could not interpret the metaphor of this last room. (Of what the machines were and of what they, and the people who were working with them were accomplishing, and of why all these thousands of spirits were watching me). Then the experience ended. I didn’t get the candy that I had requested; I didn’t pass this test of character of this room that I had been in. I wouldn’t get to leave this final room until at some later point in my life that I could pass this test, and that I could make the conceptual leap that I needed to make in order to move forward.
...
I felt, and still do feel that this experience was the actual answer to my prayer of the night before. The record has been set straight; I now know where I stand. I am in a place in my life where my crystal is completely black, and yet where I can still discern that my life is still that of a precious jewel- having the potential to once again shine brightly as it did before.
To know that I knowingly and willingly accepted this life as a gift, knowing that it would have long periods of darkness, punctuated by periods of great joy and light. Also for me to have received the knowledge; that my gift was unique, and different from all the other gifts that had been received. This was in itself an answer to some of the grief of my life"
I hope you can benefit from this, it helped me. May God may show you your purpose as well!
03 Dec 2011, 1:26 am
