Just a horrible day

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I am staying with my grandmother today and this morning the news story about the boy who was bullied because he's gay and made a video about it, was on the news. My grandmother proceeds to call him nasty, disgusting, and go on about the bible. Which just makes me think. God hates gays, but is okay with incest? This leads to her then getting on me (i'm not out but I don't see the point in saying i'm gay) about the way I act and speak and I told her my issue is that she always insults me. She says the way I talk is disgusting and nasty and I sound like a "fa***t" or "poof" she then asks me. "Are you gay?" over and over to which I just laugh and say, that isn't the point, the problem is the way you speak to me. She has been like this towards me since I was 14. On the bus one day she went around saying quite loudly how I must be gay, as if dealing with my sexuality given my family wasn't already enough.

After going on and on for 2 hours, she then calls my mother. My mother gets upset and hangs up on her, I tried to take the phone away from my grandmother because I knew it would just upset and stress out my mother and she threatened to call the police on me, to which I said. "You talk about me cutting you off, but if you ever pulled something like that on me that would be the end of it, and it would have been you that cut me off."

My mother calls me with her on the line and my dad and they're all talking to my grandmother about how people thought my dad was gay because he's quiet and how it's just them all being judgmental because they think that all straight people must act a certain way and my mother is like I know you're straight (how?) and I'm like whatever, because I don't just want to tell her while she was at work still and... just a sh*tstorm. I've literally been stimming for the past 8 hours now and just so incredibly stressed out. It's just ridiculous.

My mom then goes on about how dare she even think I'm gay, or even ask if I'm gay, it's just close minded to think I'm gay, and all, basically it just sounded like me being gay would be like a "oh no!" type situation which.. just doesn't make me feel any better. The 13 years of being hit, called fa***t every damn day, pushed down stairs, being attacked by a homophobe with a knife on a subway, just being attacked in general, people talking behind my back when I was back. People guessing "im' that fa***t" or "he must be a fa***t" I'm just f*****g sick of it.

Even if I come out not a damn thing will change because the issue is that I am gay, which will never change. The world in general will still act the way they do. I'm not even in, I'm so damn gay, it's so obvious. I TOLD MY MOM I WAS GAY WHEN I WAS 16. Everyone is just in damn denial so I already came out... They shut the damn closet door when I opened it.

If you're 21, why do you have to visit your grandmother anymore if she's such a b**** to you? Also, why don't you move to a place that's not full of idiots?

I hope you feel better. I never had to deal with people being mean to me about my gayness.

It sounds like they're being idiots, in so many ways... I always hated it when my family got all weird about something. My father used to think because I liked to read fantasy I must be a Satan worshiper. And he used to give me a hard time for things he wasn't any better on. He hated all authority, but I was supposed to obey like he was Hitler and I was some brainless storm trooper.

About the only thing I agree with them on is that it is ridiculous to label someone gay for anything other than their sexual preference. I happen to be straight, but I was called a "Q" (short for "queer") and "fag" throughout school, no matter how many girls I was drooling over. I'm not saying that being gay is terrible. Just that it's absurd to think that if you're straight, you automatically like sports, or if you're gay you automatically like poetry. Or any theories like that. I've worn white socks for years, and I still prefer women...

But in your mother's case, it doesn't sound as though she really grasps the absurdity of this, just that she happens to have found no other way to hide from the truth. I don't understand what it would be like to have to hide the truth of something basic like that from your family, but I do have to say that they don't sound like people I'd be comfortable sharing very much about myself with.

I do have to add one thing. Just like straights aren't all one way, and gays aren't all one way... Christians aren't, either. I won't pretend to speak for God, since I don't, but the best I can figure it, God does not hate gays, and the "Christians" who say that he does have never actually read the Bible, just pulled out a few verses they can throw around to keep everyone distracted from their own problems. Which annoys me, because then if I say I'm a Christian, everyone jumps on me for things I don't even believe - things that aren't in the Bible. I kind of wish I could have a good argument with your grandmother, except most people like that just ignore anything that doesn't agree with them, anyway.

My great step grandmother, who married my jewish great grandfather, and probably attended no more than 5 days of church in her life, went off on me once for saying how stupid it was that Jesus was always depicted as a European and proclaiming that Jesus probably didn't have blue eyes.

She responded rather loudly "OH YES HE DID! He had light brown hair and blue eyes just like it says in the bible!"

No, the bible said he had hair like wool, and skin like bronze (what race does that sound like?)

I refrained from replying because I did not see the value in plastering my 87 year old great grandmother with my in depth knowledge of scripture and the demographics of the biblical middle east. My great grandmother lived in a world where Jesus was European, contemporary music was crap, her dog agreed with her...on everything, and polyester was always in style. If that was where she was happy, I saw no point in trying to move her.

I would try not to care too much about what your grandmother thinks. There are plenty of people who don't care that you're gay, and plenty of people who do, for the right reason. We live in an age where in many places, gay people can live openly and happily with their partners.

There are a lot of jerks in the world, and just because we are related to someone and love them does not exempt them from being a jerk. It sounds like your family is being jerky about this issue, which is understandably, a big issue to you. I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this.

Have you called any LGBT support groups around there? Many times there are hotlines you can call and talk to someone. I don't know if that would help, but to know that others went through it and how they survived it, can sometimes help someone survive something that's hard to get through.

I would suggest not going to see your grandmother anymore. She did mention cutting you off, so if you are depending on her for support or for money in the will, you might keep trying to go and find ways to deal with what she's saying, like telling yourself that she's probably got a bit of dementia or something. If you aren't depending on her for support now or inheritance later, then stop going. Even if you are depending on her, maybe you can cut back on going. Be busy doing things, or have other plans, etc.

I don't know what to say about your parents. Mothers have a clue a whole lot of the time, but are in denial. If your parents are very religious, or very right wing, or are overly concerned with what others think and their "group" would look down on them, then it might cause more problems than it's worth to come out to them. Believe it or not, some people are happy and have relationships with their parents when they aren't out to them.

I have a friend who fits absolutely every stereotype of a gay man there is. It's extremely obvious. A deaf, dumb and blind person who has no idea of what gay is, would know he was gay. His parents do not. He said he likes things the way they are, and so do his parents. I asked him once "how do they NOT know you're gay?" He said "Oh, they probably do. There were hints, they would say things trying to get me to confirm that I was straight. I told them that if I were gay I would never tell them anyway and of course never put it in their faces". I am paraphrasing him, but that's the gist of what he said. Maybe thats the situation with you. If your parents or grandmother start in on gays again, say something like "I'm for gay rights, I know a few gay people and they are just like you and me. If I were gay, do you think It'd tell you anyway? I would never want someone who acts like you to know I was" and leave it at that. If they want you to deny it, and you are comfortable with lying to them about this, deny it and then say "No, I'm not gay. Now never ask me again or bring the subject up again please" Maybe that will please them.

I cannot imagine a parent being that way over something like that. It doesn't and shouldn't matter if you are gay. They sound like they put being gay in the same catagory as having your arms and legs amputated and replaced by slinkys. Something they just cannot imagine their child doing. If one of my children were gay, I would only be concerned with the same things I'm concerned with now. That they have a good, happy and successful life. I would be more concerned about them riding in a car at night on a date, because there are lots of drunk drivers out at night, than the sex of the person they are on the date with.

Again, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Please look up some LGBT support groups in your area, maybe getting encouragement from someone whose been there themselves will help a lot more than I can.

Frances