Her Dementia Is My Problem

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So my mom's dementia is getting really scary bad now. She lives with my dad, a quiet man who keeps his troubles to himself and was always "looked after" by my domineering mother. He can't/won't deal with the problem. He lets her drive him around even though she shouldn't be driving, he hasn't had her dementia evaluated by a doctor, and he doesn't make sure she takes her other medications. Now she is calling relatives at night, asking them to phone the police because there's a man in her house (my dad).
Because my dad can't/won't address the issue, people are looking to me to do something. I would like to help, but I don't know what I can do. My parents will not share any medical, financial, or legal information with me. They will not allow me to drive them anywhere. My mother insists she is fine, and my father shrugs and scratches his head and does nothing.
My own undiagnosed-but-greatly-suspected Asperger's complicates things even further. I am uncomfortable making and receiving phone calls, and when I talk to people about this issue I can tell that I'm not saying the things they expect me to say.
Even if I were to find mom a dementia-doctor (which would totally stress me out but I would still do it) I would have to make the appointment myself, without knowing whether their insurance would cover it. Then they would either skip the appointment or my dad would have my mom drive to it, which would be dangerous. I would not be able to come along because there is no way I would ride with her, and as I've said they won't ride with me. Most likely my mother would refuse to go altogether, anyway. Also, she'd get mad at me and say I was plotting against her.
Is there anything I can do in this situation? And if there isn't, what do I say to the relatives who are contacting me? I don't know how to deal with any of this.

You need to have a heart to heart with your dad with an ultimatum that either he takes over the situation within 30 days OR you will petition the courts for emergency guardianship of your mother. This situation calls for drastic action and your mother is a danger to herself and everyone else. Your only other option is to wipe your hands of it all and inform everyone of that. You have no legal right to do anything and if you try to do so right now, you will only find yourself in more trouble.

If I become her guardian, won't I be legally responsible for her care? Then everything will be the same as it is now, except that when she refuses to go to the doctor I'll be accountable.

If you are in the US, all states have Child Protective Services, but they also have Adult Protective Services for these type situations. Call them and explain the situation and ask what you can and should do. They are usually listed in the phone book under "state government". If you don't see adult protective services, try child protective services. Some places, they are called DCFS - department of children and family services, or DHR - Department of Human Resources.

Ask to speak to a social worker and then ask her advice.

Thats what I'd do. She can answer all your questions and put you in touch with the right people. Also, if you don't feel up to being responsible for your mom, and possibly your dad as well, they can appoint a gaurdian ad litum to do that.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I don't know about in your state-- in West Virginia, getting an ad litem is a real b***h. The state will hand an elderly person over to any direct relative-- child, spouse, sibling, et cetera-- regardless of that person's intentions or fitness to care for the individual in question-- rather than spend the time of a very scarce ad litem.

And a lot of them aren't any good anyway.

You might be better off picking a relative you can actually get along with and saying something along the lines of, "Look, I know she's my mother, but I don't feel capable of being responsible for her care. I'll help make doing it easier-- run errands, do busywork, whatever I can do-- but Mom needs looking after, and I can't do it. We need to work together, not point fingers at each other."

Good luck with that. I tried it with my stepmom's sister. All it accomplished was that I got kicked out of the family. But, then, your relatives might be SANE.