Not human.

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I realized it isn't so much that I even want to die, it's that I don't even know who I am, what I'm doing here, what the point of life is. I guess I just didn't get the rulebook of life. I don't feel like I relate to anyone. I can relate to people through things, but not relate to them as people. Even my family, they *get* me, but they aren't like me at all. My mom suffers from depression but has worked many jobs in the past and isn't a threat to her life or on the spectrum, my brother isn't on the spectrum, my dad works full time at a high stress level job and doesn't have depression.

I feel literally like I was born on the wrong planet. Other aspies have ways of making a life for themselves with some specialist type job, or have bachelor's degrees or beyond, or are really really good at something and have a life for themselves and life makes sense to them as far as their own little world.

For me, nothing makes sense. I could tell you I like listening to music, like the taste of food, like playing music. But I couldn't tell you what I want out of life, if anything. I'd like a girlfriend I'm really attracted to and get along with, but first of all realize how rare that is even for "normal" people, and also, while I don't like preppy model types and can attract the type of women I like (low maintenance/cute/smart/quirky) why would she want to be with a guy whose aim in life is basically to stay away from everything and hide in the countryside somewhere? Even those type of women have goals.

The way my mind functions, doesn't even make sense to me. I think about small insignificant things from the past...not even necessarily bad things...just random things. I have HOCD (or OCD where the person at hand fears that they like the same sex even though they don't, and feels uncomfortable around members of the same sex.) My moods swift from ok to on suicide alert out of seemingly nowhere.

I feel almost like I'm a visitor from another planet, only I don't remember my past. Nothing in this world makes sense to me. I can safely say if it weren't for music and my family, I would have killed myself already, not just because I'm downright miserable, but because I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I mean, aren't humans, even Aspies, supposed to CARE about something? Aspies have their special interests they care about passionately. I really don't have an interest in anything, at least an extreme interest.

I just feel like really I'm some kind of experiment, not even human.

Hi, I relate very much. I started writing lists of what I like and what I dont like at some point in my life, because my friends discussed these things and I didnt have an opinion on most. I came up with maybe 10 notes that I like and that I dont like, so I didnt get very far. When I look at the list now, over 50% is wrong... I think Ive come to a conclusion that Im ever changing.