Well, my life at the moment.

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I have a slight anxiety problem that really just makes all this worse but I am a strange individual who cant help but care for other people. No matter what I cant leave someone who is suffering and alone, honestly helping is what really makes me happy. My friend has(so far undiagnosed)schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. She was getting better but now her immensely f****d up family(which is the reason she has all her problems) is taking its toll on her again and she is getting worse. I take it a day at a time, she improves and get better but at the same time just as many things happen to knock her down. She already attempted to kill herself once. Im split between this horrible limbo of knowing that there is real hope for her but there is just as much of a possibility she may attempt and succeed to kill herself in the future. Shes only 16 and at the mercy of her f****d family for another 2 years. Im one of the few people she confides in. I talk to her everyday and help her tremendously. She calls me when she is in a bad place and I calm her down and bring her out of it. It makes me happy to help, but it dose effect me. It takes its toll.

Im going out with her ex(she has no problem with this. They had a nasty ugly relationship that ended terribly). Its a complicated relationship in that it is a relationship in every way but name. Im moving back to where they both live(close to their houses) in the beginning of January. He is taking it slow, and I have no problem with this because I think its wise. We are both the type of people that could easily get carried away and he learned from his past mistake why rushing it dosent end up well. The two of us are both plagued by stress at the moment and jumping into a full on relationship when everything in your life is crazy dosent always end up well. Moreover this is my first relationship and that fact that I have very mild aspergers makes it all seem very daunting. Honestly Im sure it will all work out well, and the slow element is crucial in that because I know when I think of it all at once I nearly have a panic attack and I know he dose too. We want to move in together at some point, whenever we can afford it. He really shouldnt stay in his house with his drunken looser of a mother and I want to start my life. I cant do that without a roommate and he is the only option and the option I want.

Im moving back in with my parents because living with my grandparents in a different state so I could get into college didnt work out. I got accepted to my art school twice but I simply cannot afford it, its very unlikely I will be able to afford it anytime in the near future because its tuition is far beyond what I can get from financial aid and although I would have gotten almost full tuition with the scholarships I would still have some leftover I just dont have the money to pay what would be leftover. When I took a trip back to see my friends I saw how successful my fried was. She was so successful she quit her job and dropped out of college because it was distracting from her consulting business she had only just started up. She can help me market myself(Im a struggling fashion designer). However besides that I just realized my life was back there with them, Im going no where in the east coast. I live in a retirement community with my grandparents, I was only here so I could get to college. So thats why I decided to move back to the west coast. My life is there and a possible connection(my successful friend) can help me succeed.

All in all this is all been very stressful for me and has caused my anxiety to spike. Ive lost plenty of sleep over it and general interest in all the things I love. But Im getting it all back now, Im starting to feel better. Typing it all out at once really relays my whole situation and makes it seem less daunting to me. Im really just posting this for the hell of it, just with the intent to get it all out.