Dealing with death.

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I hope this is the right forum for this thread. In October my Grandfather on my dads side passed. This was the first time anyone I knew died. I was pretty upset, though I didn't know him as well as the rest of my family as they live a 12 hour drive away. Also, my dads side of the family does not believe in mental illness at all, so I have been ostracized by them because of the fact I do take meds and I do have issues, still though, it was difficult to deal with. My dad has bipolar and aspergers, but he lived with them without meds till he was like 56 so he has control of them rather well. He is the strongest, most stable and reliable person I know and to see him break down was just, horrible, but he's strong and we got through it.

Thing is, my other Grandfather is now slowly passing and I'm very scared. I went and visited him in the hospital yesterday and though he was doing a bit better an still looks healthy, he was so frail I could have picked him up with one arm, and he said goodbye to me in a way that scared me when I was leaving. He has always been special to me, he's as strong and amazing as my father, he taught me how to play Baseball, Basketball, Soccer, and he coached and trained me whenever he could when I was playing in leagues. I'm really frightened, because not only will is passing be extremely hard, but my mum is going to be in a lot of pain emotionally, and she already has Chronic Fatigue and MCS,and I don't know what to do. I know how situations like this affect me, I have had a substance abuse problem a few times in the past with prescription opiates, to the point that when I moved back home for school my dad took all my meds and he doles them out for me. I'm really not sure what to do, I keep thinking I'll just focus on work and the gym and it'll help, but I still know it's going to be rough. Also, my mum and sister are also go to inconsolable for who knows how long and I want to be there for them, but I have no friends to talk to and who'd be there for me.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just really don't have anywhere else to turn, and I don't know what really to do. I won't be popping pills all the time thankfully, but, smoking will get worse, and alcohol is easy to get, and I can get pot from my sister (She self medicates unfortunately) easily, and I'm worried about going overboard, affecting my job and stuff. Anyone who's had a death in their life that really affected them have any advice, it's appreciated. Thank you for reading through all this!

Its tough to deal with. My suggestion is probably to distract yourself with other things that would better your life.

Take in as many distractions as possible whenever you're feeling down, nothing negative.. nothing that'd make that person worry about you if they were still here. Chances are.. anyone you genuinely mourn for would care greatly for you and not want you to be hurt or upset because of them.

The selfish part of me still grieves for my grandmother, yesterday I teared up a little because the littlest things remind me of her. After her death I couldn't stop randomly hitting things, randomly crying.. feeling very resentful that she passed before she could see me have children, or get married, or graduate from college. That she couldn't quit smoking which eventually worsened her health to the point that her passing was made very stressful and painful. I tried to get her to stop smoking for years, since the 2nd grade.

She was always the person there for me when no one else was, she was the person who would at least try to put away her selfish desires if it meant making me happy.. so she did try to quit smoking several times but never succeeded. I really loved her.

Things will get better with time, your plan is a good one, going to the gym, focusing on work.. thinking about how they'd want to be remembered and that they wouldn't want you to suffer.. are effective. I don't know if the pain ever goes away, it just gets a little better from what i've seen.

I really appreciate the advice,and I try to do as you said. You actually nailed one of the points that is upsetting me. I know my Grandparents love me and my sister, we're their only grandkids, but I feel so bad that my Aspergers and other stuff have kept me a little behind other people my age and I really wish I could have given them great grandkids.

Thank you though for what you said, I know it will be hard, but I've got a good support team with my family, and then I have the forums and everyone here are always willing to lend an ear or advice. So thank you

I would suggest doing something now to help you get closure when it happens.

Make sure you tell your grandfather how much he means to you and how much he loves you. If he mentions that he won't be here long, acknowledge it. Don't pretend like it's not true. If he seems to want to talk about it, then talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel. Show your emotion. It's much better if you do that now, so that you will be able to remember him comforting you, rather than just showing your emotion at his funeral while thinking of words unspoken.

As for your mother, talk to her. I'm sure she knows whats going on. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you are worried for her. I'm sure she will be touched by that very much. Talk to her about it.

The worst thing people can do, when someone close is dying, is to pretend it's not happening. The dying person may have things they want to say but are afraid to upset the family. The family may have things they want to say to the dying person but they are afraid to upset him. The family may have things they want to say to each other but they are afraid to upset each other. So, it ends up with everybody walking around upset and trying not to upset the already upset other people.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

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(((hugs))) i am sorry to hear your grandfather is not doing well. i agree about how important it is to take the opportunity to say goodbye, if the chance is there.

when my dad died almost 4 years ago, i didn't really get a chance to say goodbye and the guilt and sadness stayed with me for a long time. he died on the table during surgery (well he had a heart attack during the procedure and was on life support). i lived a 7 hour drive away from him and he didn't want his family gathered around for his surgery as it made him worry too much. he said thta having everyone in town made it feel grave and serious, and he wanted to be optimistic.

so i didn't come to town for his surgery, and so i missed him when he briefly woke up during recovery and made his final brief communications to family. the last saw him before that was for about 10 minutes over the christmas holiday 5 weeks earlier. i couldn't really visit him at that time as i had the flu and my dad was afraid to get sick so he didn't want he to stay in the house for long. so i just dropped off the presents and left. he got angry when i asked for a hug.

i spiralled downward after that, both because of my dad's death and because i lost my job (i was "laid off" but someone replaced me). i ended up abusing some substances as a coping mechanism and i was a bit of an emotional mess. but i turned my life around and things got better with time.

going forward, i knew my triggers and i was better able to cope with my mother's death less than 3 years later. you are in a similar situation, where you are aware of what gave you problems last time so you have a bit of a road map this time around. it is still going to be hard as hell to handle this situation but you are stronger because you have proven that you can get through an extremely hard time and ultimately cope with it okay.

try to take care of yourself as well as you can, and remember that you won't be a help or support to anyone else if you end up coming part at the seams. remember that you are not alone in your family and that there will always be people you can talk to about your feelings if you get overloaded.