I have to let this out. (people obsessions)

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I have to let this out somewhere, and I don't want to burden any of my friends with it.
Sorry if this is long.

I like this guy.

Well, I'd say it's a little more than like. I like his mind. I like his brain. I like the music he listens to...it is so euphoric that I just want to lose myself in it all the time. I like the way he writes. I like all the things he's interested in. I like his oddities, such as the fact that he only writes in lower case. I like how he is way more intelligent and insightful than anyone else I know but he chooses to work blue collar jobs to support his music career.

I like the way he says whatever the hell he wants and doesn't care what people think. I like how he can just have a few friends over and talk to people like it's effortless and in contrast, I find people anxiety provoking and confusing. And I like how he is so goddamn f--king gorgeous and just looks so hot and perfect in every single picture of his. I just want him.

He is the most fascinating, complex, puzzling, intelligent, dynamic, creative, hottest and coolest person I know. And yes, he is my current special interest.

I absolutely do not want to date him or see him on any sort of romantic level. I have an older guy I see for that kind of stuff, and he fufills that need very well. I really like him, too...but I'm not sexually attracted to him. When we have sex, I close my eyes tight and think of the other guy.

I have wanted him ever since the first time we had sex, which was over two years ago. It was magic. Then I got a boyfriend (one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life, never dating again) and we lost touch. A few months ago I reconnected with him (through a post on craiglist confessing that I had a crush on him but only wanted sex with him again) and he seemed to really be interested in hooking up with me again. He loved our previous experiences, and even said that I was the only girl he fantasised about. (Yeah, that's not something to say to a girl who is obsessed with you...) He seemed to want me really badly.

The problem is, we have been doing a lot of flirting, and we keep trying to make plans to hook up, but he is a huge flake and things never pan out. He keeps apologizing though. I've asked him why he's been chasing me around, and he keeps saying it makes me hotter for him. Two weeks ago, he texted me (I told him I was in the city where he lives) and told me that he wanted me to come over and stay the night. I agreed to it. I texted him. I called him. No response. I had to make last minute arrangements to stay with a friend once I figured he bailed on me. I was so furious. The next dayl, I looked at his twitter (he updates every bit of his interesting life on there) and he appeared to be playing video games with his friends that night.

A person with any shred of common sense would conclude that he is a waste of time...a close friend of mine even said this and insisted I end it. But I need him just that freaking badly, and if he says he wants me, I'm willing to chase him until I get it.

Now, I have kept this fixation under a strict amount of control in order to manage it, so I don't check his online stuff that often. Today I checked his twitter. He appears to have slept with another girl last night.

I'm seethingly jealous to the point where I want to puke. I don't want to be though. I really don't care if he sleeps with anyone else. It's his life.

But for the love of all that is holy, keep that crap private and don't f--ing tweet about it!! !!

He followed me on there, so he knows that he'll come up in my newsfeed at least. Thinking about it, I feel nauseous and I want to break things. I want to drink. There was a period in my life where I missed him so much that I got drunk and slept around, because I felt like I wanted to punish myself for liking someone unrealistically.

And I confess...the reason I decided to date my ex was so I could push this other guy out of my mind. It worked...until I lost feelings for my ex and returned to my endless, pointless, idiotic, horrible, stupid daydreams about him.

I think about him every single fricking day. I fall asleep and imagine he's beside me every night. I have feelings for him, though I would NEVER tell him this. It does not make any sense to be jealous and possessive of him when I want him to be free and I don't want to be tied down and I really do desire a variety of experiences. I want him, though, and I hate that I do.

F--- people obsessions.

This is not meant to be judgmental at all, I just don't get it. Why do you see this older guy if you're not sexually attracted to him? And how is it possible to like someone so much in every way but not want to date them or see them on a romantic level?

He's my sugar daddy. It's not what you'd think, though...he has developed into a good friend who really cares about me, and I really care about him...I'd still hang out with him even if he wasn't paying me to (minus the sex).

And the guy I like would just not be compatible with me. He's way too comfortable in the world, and way too outgoing. He also does not want anything like that either, and so I don't want to make him uncomfortable or scare him away. It's more realistic for me to have a slice of the pie, rather than eat the whole thing. And I'm perfectly happy with just a slice.

Ah I see. Hmm. Well. Here's what comes to mind, take it or leave it cause obviously you know yourself best. Have you considered the possibility that you might not be allowing yourself to think you can have what you really want? I mean outgoingness doesn't have to be a barrier. In my opinion differences in personality make things interesting. It seems like you might be sublimating your own desires because you so fully empathize with the guy you admire and don't want him to have to compromise. Sure he might not want to settle down but that doesn't mean you have to tell yourself you don't want to either cause that's what he wants.

I am aware it is not very possible for people outside a relationship to appreciate it the way the people in it do. I just wonder if you might possibly be happier, or able to see your relationship with this older guy in a different way, separating finances from love... I mean you seem very smart and like you could do whatever you wanted occupationally to buy what you need/want.

I have to sublimate these desires because it is what I truly want (and I am separating myself from him here). It is not realistic for me to be in any sort of dating relationship with anyone...I've tried that in the past and it just made me exhausted...I just don't like talking to someone or trying to take their perspective every day or even every few days. It is exhausting. The thing I have with my sugar daddy is what I would call casual dating (he has a wife and girlfriend who are open to it, and a life apart from me), and the reality is, that's all I can handle from anyone. I am a loner at heart and do not like a lot of contact with other people apart from spending actual time with them face-to-face.

I'm not sure what you mean by separating finances from love...should I just focus on the pay and not worry about our relationship? Or something else?

Intelligence does not always equal mental stability. I have been afraid to get an actual job because they all are stressful, and I've had meltdowns in every place I've been employed. There are also catty b***ches no matter where you work, and I've had issues in the past where I've had breakdowns because of them...in one case, one was even a supervisor. Plus, I have plans to return to school this coming May and since I've been rejected for student loans, I have to save up the money myself. It's quick, easy, and I never regret it.