I have been diagnosed with Asperger's three times (2000, 2007, and 2010), and the last two psychologists (the last one was state appointed for an SSI examination) reported that I had anxiety disorder. I don't know. I mean, ever since I was little I have been anxious. In the fourth and fifth grades, I would walk around the class room with my ears covered, picking up stuff off the carpet almost fastidiously, because I was afraid of the fire alarm going off. The problems got better in junior high and high school, but got worse after my parents divorced a few months after I graduated high school. The object of most of my anxiety is my little sister, whom I live with in the same house (since I live with my dad until I graduate college). I can't look her in the eye. Although she gets a lot of my dad's attention and financial dedication, she thinks I am treated like a "prince" (because she thinks I'm closer to my dad, whom she hates). She also thinks I am using Asperger's "as a crutch." She acts like a bully and is rude to me. I was always afraid she was going to say derogatory things about my anime interest (when she finally did, I broke down). Every time she walks by me, I feel even more uncomfortable than I do when I am in crowds. It feels like I'm always getting in the way of other people way when I walk around (there are times a stranger and me will try to pass each other and I misjudge where the other person is going). Since she had her kid 16 months ago and I have taken a large role in babysitting him, I feel even more fearful because I am constantly trying to keep him out of danger (if I try to pick him up and he starts crying, she often gets mad and seems to imply that I am not watching him).
Another person who causes me stress is my dad. It feels like he is always going behind me and picking things up and this makes me feel like I am not doing things right. Then I feel like I'm always asking questions to him about my sisters schedules. Lately, my other sister has been working later (I am afraid I will be saddled with baby sitting after 10 PM, since my youngest sister goes to sleep early and my dad usually gives him his bottle). Another thing that scares my is the possibility that my dad will die and I will end up babysitting my little sister's kid while she goes out with friends.
Anyways, it feels like I've become more nervous about my family life since my parents divorced. My dad took me to a psychiatrist and she prescribed me prozac. It seems to "take the edge off" of my anxiety and depression, but I still felt anxious. The only thing that seems to make me less anxious is talking to myself about my family issues. I keep telling myself that things will get better after I graduate, but I'm afraid they won't. I'm getting even more anxious about graduating and finding a job (because I want to move out shortly after I graduate).
Am I anxious because of my psychology or my family? Am I deluding myself that moving out will improve my anxiety?
17 Dec 2011, 2:49 am
